I Think I May Have Just Murdered Myself
Manage episode 315445934 series 2937376
After a disturbing alcohol related injury, it was off to my very first outpatient program for addiction. The outpatient group, at the time, was five days a week, and it was good in that it gave me something to do every day and bad in that it gave me something to do every day, in that it seemed to excuse my otherwise minimal participation in my own life, a crutch I would come to rely on to give my life structure and meaning.
I did want to get better. I was suffering. But I also couldn’t imagine a world in which better also indicated completely without alcohol. The only time I felt a bit ‘better ‘ had something to do with alcohol, even though every time I felt awful had something to do with alcohol too. One being true didn’t make the other one less true. I also didn’t know what ‘better’ would look like. There was no point of reference for a non self-destructive me. I reverted back to eating disordered behaviours to manage me emotions as a consolation for my reduced drinking.
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Here is a list of suicide crisis hotlines by country:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines
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https://12step.org/social/online-meetings
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https://www.smartrecovery.org/community
Refuge Recovery
https://www.refugerecovery.org
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