Episode 76: Set the stage for the teens years with these pre-teen tips!

The Be THAT Mom Movement Podcast: Protecting kids in a digital world

As parents we often dread the teen years, but having a plan for the digital things in their pre-teen years can set the stage for a smoother ride through the teens!

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Full Transcription:

Speaker 1 (00:00):

So is it the teen years that we need to be dreading? Is there something that we can do to where it makes those years less difficult? That's what we're going to talk about today. And I'm going to give you a few insights from a different perspective that you may not have considered. All right, stay tuned.

Speaker 2 (00:19):

Welcome to your source for tips, tools, and support to help you be that mom that is tuned in and proactive for yourself, your family, and for the wild ride of raising kids in this digital age, inspired by a mother's love with a relatable real life. Proud to be that mom flair. This is the bead that mom movement with your host, Dolly Denson,

Speaker 3 (00:44):

Holy Molly. Check this out. If you were a mom that is looking

Speaker 1 (00:46):

To give your kiddo a phone, but you don't want to open up the world of the smartphone to them yet, check out the pinwheel phone. The pinwheel phone is the latest and greatest for dumb smartphones. It gives you absolute control over what they do and who they can contact, and we'll help them to develop healthy habits around using a phone, check out [e-mail] use code be that mom 10 for a discount. So I was sitting with a friend last night, her and her family came over to our house to swim and spend some time. And we were talking about our children and the maturity stages that they go through. And her children are a little bit younger. At least the set of children are a little bit younger than mine. She has some older ones that are already grown up, and then she's got three younger ones that aren't yet into even the middle school years.

Speaker 1 (01:38):

And then as you probably know, if you've listened to this podcast for any length of time, my kids are teens and older. And so the perspective that we have is a little bit different. She's got some experience with the older ones and some experience with the younger ones. And so we were talking about, oh, the dreaded teen years, you know, my husband asked her how old her daughter was. She said 10. And then we were all kind of like chuckling a little bit under our breath about Ooh, three more years until the teen years, you know, the dreaded years. But as I was sitting there talking to her, I was like, you know, I honestly think that those aren't the hardest years. I think they are complicated in made harder in today's digital age. But I actually think that it is the middle school and even the upper elementary school years that are the place where we really need to be focusing some concerted effort in what we're doing and being mindful around things to set the stage for those teen years so that perhaps they don't have to be as difficult.

Speaker 1 (02:38):

I do think that us as parents in this new realm of parenting in the digital world, we are facing new and unprecedented challenges because of the impact and the influence of allowing our kids into the digital world. And then not really having any guide or like map to follow when it comes to giving things, you know, we was like, we were a part of a massive experiment that's happening over the last two decades as the internet emerged. And then all the digital things emerged, the internet expanded and became more pervasive. And we all thought it was benign, right? At least if you have kids that are my age, we didn't really know the impact or what was going to happen with that. And so it's like, we've been part of a massive experiment. And so if you yourself are listening to this and just trying to get a grasp on things and your kids are younger, like, you know, in the zero to 10 year old range, you have a leg up on this.

Speaker 1 (03:35):

And I would definitely band together with other moms that have older kids and have had their own struggles in this space so that together we can help navigate this better. And so the impact on our children can be in a more positive trajectory for the generations growing up now. So I definitely think if your kids are younger right now, in one sense, it's harder because there's so much more to worry about and it's ever changing and ever evolving. But in the other sense, you have so many more tools at your fingertips. You have a generation of parents that did it the hard way. And so we're here to link arms with you and to help you in this. So that's what I want to talk about today a little bit. So that kinds of sets the stage for what I want to talk about, but when a dial it back for just a second, and then I'm going to give you some tips at the end for just some basic guidelines for you to use or to share with moms that you know, that have younger kids, so that this next generation that's going to go through the middle school years.

Speaker 1 (04:32):

And the teen years will have a little bit more guidance and, you know, a map that they can follow so to speak. So when I was preparing for today's podcast, I was looking for like stats on the influence of a smartphone or the digital things on the middle school years. For me personally, my kids, I do feel like those were the most impactful years because we gave the smart phone at the start of their middle school years. I mean, it typically for most of us, it is that sixth grade year where they're going to be in more activities. They're going to be away from you more. They're going to be with their peers more. They all want to connect with their peers more. I mean, it's just like the age where we have to change how these decisions are made and we have to spread the awareness that they're not benign.

Speaker 1 (05:19):

So I went in search of stats, something that could show me kind of what I'm thinking is true for those years. And I came across this study that was actually of children in Korea. And while I think that different countries have different things and Korea's social setting with their children and their education system can be quite different from other countries. I will tell you that my podcast as a whole, when I look at the stats on where the listeners are from, I have listeners worldwide. And in places I did not ever expect to have someone listening from. So wherever you're listening from, I believe we have a universal struggle that it doesn't matter what culture you're in or what setting you're in. We have a universal struggle when it comes to the digital things and the influence on our children. So I went ahead and looked through this study for Korea.

Speaker 1 (06:12):

Okay. And you know, if you have any experience with looking at studies, you kind of always have to look at what they find, but also the limitations. And is it generalizable? I don't know if that's the correct word, but are you able to take that and put it into other settings and will it still apply? And so while this study might have a few limitations, because the culture in Korea may be different in terms of the approach toward education, how much time they are required to spend studying on things versus other countries. I still think this is kind of a universal thing that can be generalized to some extent. And I'm going to just give you some of the points from the study that I think you can take moving forward. As you make the decision to give a smartphone, to give more access to digital things, to start allowing your kid, to dip their toe in the water of all the digital stuff and give you a place to start as you do that.

Speaker 1 (07:03):

Okay. So as a little background, this study was studying about smartphones and the use in children. And as we know, young people use these digital things like an extension of their hand, right? Us that are older. We did not grow up with these things. And so our minds are a little bit or brain development's a little bit more set in place and completely developed. And so learning new things is harder for us, for kids. It does become an extension of them so very easily, but it is also their place for connecting with the world, communicating with friends, finding information in the world, the day of the card catalog, where you had to go to the library and look something up, or the micro fish that you had to go through in order to find a paper or an article or something like that, those days are gone.

Speaker 1 (07:51):

And so our kids are used to that very much at our fingertips information and, you know, just being able to connect to anything in everything out there. Some stats that were noted in this study was that worldwide in 2014, smartphones were used by 1.8, 5 billion people. And then this study was done before 2020. So they estimated that by 2020 smartphones would be used by 2.8, 7 billion people. And then what they found was that in 2015, a median of 54% across 20 emerging and developing countries use the internet and occasionally, or sometimes had a smartphone, whereas 87% of 11 advanced economies, which include the U S and Canada, and then some major Western European nations, such as Australia, Japan, South Korea, and Israel for them, 87% had smartphones. So in the survey that they did, they found that in, they conducted it over 40 nations that South Korea showed the highest rate of smartphone ownership, which was 88% followed by Australia.

Speaker 1 (08:58):

And then the United States at 72%. So the study summarized just looking at smartphone addiction in the age group of early adolescents and the middle school ages. So what they found was that they are a high- risk group for smartphone addiction, and that it does affect them socially, psychologically, and health wise. So they did notice that they, it affects them in those ways. And it also affects them that once they are addicted to the phone, that it affects them when you remove it. So, you know, if you've listened to some of my episodes, I talk about I self coined it, the teen tantrums. So basically it is when they are their brain and just them, their activity in general gets used to that stimulation from a phone or from a game or something like that, that they will experience a withdrawal like a true withdrawal when you remove those things, when they have not become accustomed to regulating themselves or having time away from them, if you're allowing them to have a ton of time on those things.

Speaker 1 (10:06):

So the study found that there are effects of allowing it too much and also affects when you withdraw it. So of course, if you were already in the space of you have allowed this, and now you're trained to course correct, they will survive the teen tantrum that withdrawal I've done it myself with my child, but just being aware that that is there. If you haven't yet, given these things is a way for you to be mindful as you do proceed through this, that it is not benign, that it actually does have an impact. So when you can be aware of that, you know, that's our starting point with all of this. So what they did find was that the children that they did study, they risk stratified them and different things like that. But I won't go into those details because I just want to stay with the most pertinent things that you can use today and moving forward with your kids.

Speaker 1 (10:54):

But they did notice that children that had prolonged use of their smartphones had more behavioral problems, such as nervousness, a more anxious, temperament, and distraction, like mental distraction, not being able to focus on things. And this was seen more problematically when they had been given a cell phone or a smartphone at an earlier age versus when they were older. They also found that depression and anxiety can cause, or be like a causing. Cause I don't think I'm saying that right, but can be a factor in causing the addiction, but it also can be caused by the addiction. So you see there's this back and forth kind of everything ties together, somewhat in the influence of it. So they did find that what was used most as these kids had more digital addiction behaviors was, and just in general was the first thing was mobile. So things like someplace where they communicate so WhatsApp, I don't know if they use Facebook messenger, the ones that they studied in this study, but some form of mobile messenger in order to contact their friends.

Speaker 1 (12:06):

The second thing that they used most was the internet look. They called it internet surfing, but, you know, looking at at different websites, the third thing was gaming. So it was playing a game in an app, something where they're just playing a game by themselves or with other people. And then the fourth thing used most was social networking through social media sites. And what they found was that predictive factors for smartphone addiction was the duration of how long they were able to use their smartphone each day and then how long they were allowed to be on social media. And then the third thing was their awareness of game overuse. So when they could recognize that they were using it too much and take themselves off, they were less likely to have the addictive patterns in the addictive behaviors. So as you can see, and as we probably are all pretty much aware, there is an addictive pattern to this and it is kind of insidious, but there is an impact and it's not benign.

Speaker 1 (13:07):

And we cannot just move forward into these years, handing a phone over and calling, you know, that it, as far as guidance, here you go, here's your phone have fun, which is what I did. So if you've done that know that I have no judgment for that, I'm just here to help connect you with the tools that I wish I would have had. So the teen years are definitely those years that we dread and they are more complicated by the digital things. But if we can be aware of these things and have a game plan, then it's going to make them easier. So I'm going to give you five points that I want you to just consider as you're moving forward. If you have younger kids or you're needing to redirect, or you have a friend that has younger kids and you're trying to help them out or want to just share this information, certainly share the podcast.

Speaker 1 (13:52):

So let's lay the stage for those 10 years and what five things we can do. The first thing is simply to recognize that this is something that needs to be openly addressed and is something that can and will influence them. If we leave them on their own with complete online freedom, it just absolutely will make that impact. And it needs to be something to be openly discussed and addressed. When we decide we are going to move forward with a phone, even if it's not a smartphone, like I mentioned, all the time, a pinwheel phone, a gab phone are much better options starting out. So that is one way to make this a little bit more simplified is having something that has some safeguards in place for you and gives you kind of an extra layer of protection. The second thing is to remember that we are the adult, we are the parent, and no matter what they say, you can just, it's a given, they're going to tell you all the friends, all my friends, all the kids in class have this app had this blah, blah, right?

Speaker 1 (14:52):

You're the parent, you're the one that is sitting here trying to make sure that they have a solid foundation for their childhood. And so you make sure that you stay in that place of parent and don't just try to be their friend because they do not have a fully developed brain. And therefore we have to make decisions for them right now. Right? Okay. So then number three is make a flexible plan. Moving forward as a family unit. I understand this can be complicated if you have, as parents, you're living in separate households. If there's step-parents involved, if there's a difference of opinion, but ultimately if you can kind of try to get on the same page with those that are involved in guiding the child through their childhood years and make a flexible plan with the plan of, if this doesn't work out, if we see this or that, then we may backtrack and, you know, make a new plan.

Speaker 1 (15:43):

So that is the plan for now. We'll see how it goes. The fourth thing is plan for progressive independence as they show maturity with their decisions. I am not one to say that we should need to, or we should hold or withhold everything possible until they turn 18. I do not think that that personally don't think in with the experience of my children, that that would be the best path, because at some point they have to learn how to navigate this stuff. I think that it is a progressive independence that needs to happen as they show maturity and how you gauge that is partly what I'm going to say with this. Number five is you need to preserve the non-digital activities and other childhood interests. As you step foot into giving smartphone or a dumb smartphone, and you're giving more access to gaming and things like that is you need to preserve the time and the space for things that aren't digital and make sure that they are still doing things where they communicate in the real world.

Speaker 1 (16:47):

They are actually doing things that are like actual physical things in the world. And not everything just with sitting in front of a screen or with a phone in their hands. And once they can demonstrate some regulation with that, then you can make decisions to move forward with more independence. That's personally what I have done when we course corrected. And then we started providing that is I allowed to have the child to kind of test the waters of boundaries and what I personally went through and what we have found is that when we withdrew the complete freedom with the digital things, set down, some limits, set down some boundaries, as far as putting it away at night and it not being allowed in the bedroom at night. And those types of things is there was a rediscovery and almost like a re-igniting of past interests and new interests.

Speaker 1 (17:42):

And realizing that the time suck on that device was sucking time away from other things that were exciting and fun. You know, that childhood excitement before all the digital things suck your mind in and you get addicted to them. So my point would, number five is preserve that time, set up boundaries for them to still be physically active, to do things where they are face-to-face with other kids. And then they are actually using their hands and doing things in real life, such as when they were very young and growing up where, you know, it was all about putting it in the mouth and, you know, putting in their hands and then learning to stack blocks. That type of development doesn't end at a certain age that continues to progress. It just becomes more complex. And I believe in what I've said before is once we give them the digital things, I think it can very easily stifle that development.

Speaker 1 (18:39):

So if you can preserve that space for them, then they can demonstrate responsibility around setting their own time limits and not letting it completely obliterate everything else that they have interest in, in their life. Okay. So I hope you found that helpful with those five tips of things that you can use as you're moving forward. So ultimately we can make it to where this raising a child in the digital world does not have to be an all uphill Rocky road. They may not understand it completely. There may be times where they are very mad at you, and they are convinced that you are a mean mom. And why do you have to be that mom? But I can guarantee you that as they get older, at some point, it may not be until a long way older, they will realize that you putting your foot down and being that mom today and now in their younger years was actually the best thing that could have happened to them as they got older.

Speaker 1 (19:38):

And that what you're doing as being that mom is actually helping them to be more successful in life. I truly truly believe that at my core, that the digital things are hindering our child's development and their potential in the world. And so if we put our foot down on this and admit, we're not perfect and admit that there may be some stops and starts and redirects and you know, course correct. But the bottom line is you are there to be the proactive mom that realizes that something has to be done, and this is ever evolving. And there's always going to be changes in this space, but once we can, you know, just establish that with them until they can establish it for themselves in terms of responsible and healthy tech use, we have to be that mom for our kids. We truly, truly do. Okay.

Speaker 1 (20:30):

So it's my belief that the teen years do not have to all be Rocky. And it is my belief that we are setting the stage in their late elementary and middle school years by the decisions we make with the digital things. So please proceed with a proactive that mom's stance because you are the, like the guide and the thing that is going to help your child to take that next step into the world. Okay. All right. Hope you found this so very helpful today, and I will chat with you next time. I'm going to be bringing some guests onto the podcast. I've been wanting to do it for a while, but summer was busy. Everybody was busy. It was hard to set up a time for these guests that I'm going to be bringing on. So those will be coming soon. I don't know if it'll be next week because I still have a busy work week this week, but I have some free time next week. So I may be setting up some of those interviews and bringing you some of that. So you can kind of get that perspective of some other people talking instead of me, always talking and get some conversations going about different topics that I think will be of interest to you. Okay. Alrighty, thanks so much for listening, chat with you next time.

Speaker 2 (21:37):

Thanks for tuning in being that mom isn't easy, but together we can be that mom's strong. Don't forget to leave a review, connect on social and join Dolly's free community till next time.

Speaker 3 (21:51):

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