Mustache Sweats

Instead Of

Have you ever woken up from a nap with lasagna on your shirt and when you look out the window you see a bunch of chill-looking attractive people across the street hanging out and having a great time? With Tapan, Mike, and Josh's Certified Rager Total Party Solution™, you don't *need* to be invited. As cool guys ourselves, we combined all the sickest elements of the dopest ragers we've ever been to in our proprietary CRPTS Party Matrix™—from multicolored waves of pulsing light to free mushrooms. The result is a perfect party, every time. With Certified Rager™, don't watch your next party... *be* your next party. Other stuff covered in this one: Josh's impudent imprudence draws the ire of a prudent merchant, Mike sweats wrong, Tapan Kazoogles in the key of flavor, and we all ride off into the Atacama sunset, never to return.

Pairings: a ripe, juicy new passport; boogers, as ever; the latest noise from DJ Also There