This is How Emotional Abuse Affects Your Body – Joyce’s Story

Betrayal Trauma Recovery - BTR.ORG

Emotional abuse affects your body in a variety of ways. Many women in The BTR.ORG Community have experienced devastating emotional, physical, and mental symptoms. Here’s Joyce’s story.

Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions are here for you if you’re experiencing negative health affects of emotional abuse.

Transcript: Emotional Abuse Affects Your Body

Anne: I have a special friend who came to my house today. She is in my basement recording with me. We’re gonna call her Joyce. She’s a member of The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community, and I know her in real life. The story takes a dramatic turn.

We’ll start with her story and then near the end we’ll talk about how all how emotional abuse affects your body and your health. When you met your husband, soon to be ex, Joyce how would you define his behavior?

Joyce: We met on Tinder and I had actually canceled our first date because I was getting very exhausted by dating.

But when I got home from my first date, I thought he was so nice because he told me that he had picked a smoothie place because it was public and it was short and there were cameras. He thought that would make women feel safe. In my mind, I thought, oh that is so considerate. This guy is looking out for women’s needs. Awesome.

Anne: Man

Joyce: Within a month, we were dating, and within three months, we were engaged.

Anne: I, too, had a very quick engagement. Ah.

Even First Time Emotional Abuse Affects Your Body

Anne: When did you start recognizing that some of his behaviors weren’t what you were looking for?

Joyce: You know, I struggle with ignoring my first instincts. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Even while we were dating, there were times where I was like, that’s a little odd. I am better at doubting myself than doubting other people. I remember he got really angry at a bill on one of our dates. He thought they had overcharged us and he apologized to them after. It was not something I was comfortable with and didn’t really know how to address.

If I’d known better or was more comfortable with accepting that something is a red flag, I would have made different choices. Even first time emotional abuse affects your body.

Anne: We’ve all been there. You just don’t know what you don’t know, right? Right. Yeah. You get married and when you start recognizing things are really kind of strange, what reasons do you give for this behavior?

Joyce: Yeah, it happened really fast.

Honeymoon Red Flags

Joyce: On our honeymoon, in fact, we went to Hawaii, his choice. At a restaurant, I ordered a ginger beer, which is a non alcoholic beverage, it reminded me of my childhood. My dad would get us ginger beer around Christmas, it was fun.

The drink cost six dollars, it infuriated him that I had spent that kind of money on something. He wasn’t yelling, but he was very stern in the restaurant. When we got into the car, he wouldn’t speak to me.

A tactic that he started using then and used throughout our marriage was to say, “Help me understand why you made that decision, Joyce. Why did you do that?” I said, “I don’t understand what the big deal is. I I don’t know when I’m coming to Hawaii again. It’s our honeymoon. I just thought it would be fun. Why you’re so upset about a drink.” He apologized.

I think that’s one of the few times he apologized for an overreaction. I know it’s triggering to say overreaction, but it is actually an overreaction. Oh, for him, yeah.

Joyce: Yes, for additional context, I paid for the meal. I was not putting an expense on him, I was paying for it. The next morning I was still feeling unsettled, emotional abuse affects your body. He was still asleep. I went for a walk around the block and I thought, okay, this must be what marriage is like. It’s going to be fine. It was in fact, not fine.

Anne: It was not fine, but you didn’t know that. Right, you didn’t know that.

https://youtu.be/twBoXh_OABA

Marriage & Emotional Abuse Isolation Begins

Anne: Did you tell anyone about this back then?

Joyce: No. For context, this was his second marriage. He was married before, very briefly in his mid twenties. Other people potentially inferred he was the issue. He said he was very uncomfortable with us talking about things to other people.

He started putting restrictions on what I could and couldn’t say to people very early on. The restrictions increased. Anytime he caught me talking to someone, or if I said anything out of line, it would result in a serious argument.

Anne: Okay. An emotional abuse episode. But you didn’t know to call it that back then? No.

Joyce: Yeah.

Anne: What did you think about him? Did you think it was you? Did you think it was him? What was your thought process back then?

Joyce: I one hundred percent thought it was me. Absolutely, I thought it was me. I’d never been in a long term relationship. He seemed more well spoken than I, and he framed himself as more intelligent.

He’d been married before. Right, more experienced. I felt, I thought, oh, it must be me. I don’t know what I’m doing. He would frame my friends and family as weird or odd. I didn’t have good influences. I didn’t know how to appropriately, in his words, behave.

Anne: for the amount of time I’ve known you, you are always behaving appropriately. I can’t even imagine what he would be talking about.

Emotional Abuse Affects Your Body: Sexual Coercion

Anne: Did you know about any porn or infidelity

Joyce: Yes, shortly before we got engaged he told me that he had a porn addiction that had surfaced after his first marriage. He told me it was not a problem while he was in a relationship.

Only when he was not in a relationship did he have this problem. In other words, in my mind, if he’s getting his needs met, if you know what I mean, then it’s not a problem. I just responded with empathy and I said, I know it must be so difficult. Is there anything I can do to support you? He said, that’s it.

That’s all you need to do. I did go into the marriage knowing he had a porn addiction.

Anne: Did he use that against you? Threaten, like, you know I have a porn addiction if I don’t get sex?

Joyce: It was definitely implied that if he was getting his needs met, then he would not have that issue.

The pressure definitely was on me and if I didn’t comply with what he wanted, then I was the instigator of his porn addiction at that point. He would use it as a tool to manipulate me in other ways. Like if he wanted privacy, he would accuse me of spying on him, which I was absolutely not doing. I would just come in to see him and say, Hey, how are you doing?

Psychological Abuse Affects Your Body

He would be in his office. He said, I don’t like it when you do that. If I’m in here, you have to knock. If I don’t give you permission to come in, don’t come in. Otherwise I feel like you’re spying on me, which out of context is insane. In the marriage, it just made me feel like, oh my gosh, I’m the worst wife ever. That he thinks I would spy on him.

Anne: He knows by now that all wives observe their husbands. So, he had something going on that he didn’t want you to know about.

Joyce: I do believe that now. I have no proof of that. I never spied on him. Never opened his phone, his computer, anything like that. I have no evidence of that, but his behavior would suggest that, yeah.

Anne: Well, and he told you that.

Joyce: Right. Misplaced trust as it turns out, but that’s how I thought about it.

Anne: Had you done any research about pornography addiction? Did you know how it affected people or how they acted when they were using it

Joyce: All of my information on that was just anecdotal stuff you just pick up along the way. People talk about it. in passing and whatever he told me, which was not much.

Anne: Okay, not like, oh, I’m going to research a ton about this.

Joyce: This is why the accusation of spying was really jarring for me because I try so hard to give people emotional space and I didn’t even research porn because I thought, well, he’s an adult. He can talk to me about it. We’ll go from there.

Exploiting Your Weakness

Anne: Do you think you’re naturally that way to give people space, or do you think some of it was him manipulating you to back off?

Joyce: I think there was an element of that, I had some abuse from a caretaker when I was growing up, that made it easier for him to feed into. It’s like your insecurities. Yes. I had insecurities.

Anne: He was exploiting your weaknesses. Instead of loving you and supporting you in your weaknesses.

Joyce: Interestingly, when I opened up to him about the abuse, said that I must be exaggerating. That didn’t happen. He, in fact, did not believe me, which is very odd.

Anne: Yeah. Or not so odd since he was an abuser.

Joyce: Right. And that actually makes more sense now. I thought, why don’t you believe me? Why would anyone tell you that?

Anne: What do you do to try to solve quote unquote, your problem that’s really his problem?

The Pain Of Emotional Abuse Affects Your Body

Joyce: I went to therapy. So much therapy, including couples therapy. None of which helped, because it wasn’t me. I spent years, I went through three therapists, personal therapists, in our marriage. I was convinced it must be me. The first one was not super helpful. She just told me to journal, and never gave me any other insights. The second one I called to cancel a session.

I was distraught after an abuse episode with my husband. I couldn’t deal with it. My husband called me to try to, “work it out.” My dad was listening at the door. I think he started to get an idea that things were abnormal. They weren’t marriage growing pains or things like that. He talked to me after and said, he’s putting everything back on you. Is that normal?

I made excuses and said, no, no he’s right. I’m overreacting. I went back the next day. I found a different therapist, because he wasn’t comfortable with me going to that one anymore.

Anne: Okay. I think it’s really telling of the state of therapy that so many therapists have a really difficult time helping people identify abuse. They don’t want to make the wrong decision, like, maybe this person is the abuser, so I don’t want to say they’re being abused. Even if that person is the abuser. Wouldn’t getting their victim away be helpful?

Joyce: Yes, I honestly think it probably stems from people being afraid of lawsuits or losing their license and ability to practice. One hundred percent because their license is a marriage and family therapy license. They could lose their license or be sued. They can’t really help people identify abuse, which is awful.

Undiagnosed Abuse Affects Your Body

Anne: People can go to therapy for years and years and years and not know they’re a victim of abuse. That none of it is their fault and that they don’t even need to be in therapy.

Joyce: That’s probably why there’s such rampant abuse, and such negativity toward women. Right.

Anne: If he did go to a therapist, it wouldn’t help him though.

Joyce: My soon to be ex, he went to therapy, probably just to tick off the box. He went to two sessions, said he didn’t like the person, so he was not going to look anymore.

Anne: Right. Well, even if he had found one, I mean, mine went to therapy consistently for seven years and the therapist loved him. They thought he was awesome because all he did in the session was convince them that I was crazy.

He didn’t get any help for himself. I became more and more of the enemy, because what he was telling the therapist wasn’t true. You can’t get help if you’re not willing to tell the truth. He loved going to therapy and lying to the therapist and having the therapist tell him what an awesome guy he was.

Joyce: Makes me so angry.

Anne: Thank you. Sometimes you gotta hear it. You heard it from her. She knows me in real life and apparently in real life, I also am not crazy.

Joyce: Very sane.

Realization That He Was The Problem

Anne: When did you realize that your efforts to fix yourself, they’re not helping your marriage and they’re not helping you?

Joyce: Horrifyingly, I only really realized that within the past six months. I felt like a more capable person than I had been in a long time emotionally. The fog was lifting. I was thinking, wait a minute, this is not me. I’ve done all this work. I’ve been doing this work for years. Things started to click that no, it isn’t me. We don’t have children. We have dogs. I was taking one of our dogs to the vet and the words came into my head.

“You can’t rely on him.” That is the first time I realized that I cannot rely on this person for anything. To be emotionally available, to treat me with any degree of kindness, to be an equal partner in a marriage. There was no equality in our marriage ever. That was a really stark realization. It was at that point that I started thinking, okay, so what are my next steps? I didn’t know what to do. I talked to my family.

Yeah, once you realize there’s a problem. The next problem is figuring out what to do.

Finding Help For Emotional Abuse

Anne: That is where BTR comes in. First, educating women about identifying emotional abuse, psychological abuse or sexual coercion. Then helping women know what to do. If you’re wondering, what do I do? The Living Free Workshop is a great place to start. If you have kids, it is really important to know how to communicate with them. The Message Workshop is important.

Most women who come on the podcast have listened to the podcast and they meet me through BTR. We met in an unusual way. We have a new member in our congregation, my junior high choir teacher. He asked me where my husband was. I said, I’m a single mom. He found out that I do abuse stuff. He said, my daughter is in this situation and maybe you can help her. I said, have her call me.

Joyce: This choir teacher is my dad. Right, so I did not know her at the time.

My dad had been concerned for some time, but it was, like I said, only recently that I had been having conversations with him about it. My spouse had isolated me from family and friends. They were not allowed to come to the house. There was limited time that I could spend with them. If left for more than a half an hour, he would start calling and checking in, seeing when I was going to come home.

Physical Intimidation Affects Your Body

Joyce: My soon to be ex had gotten angry and told me that I was holding him back in life. That I was like the person who abused me. I said, why would you say that to anyone who has been abused? That is not okay. I said, if that is how you feel, we should not be married. He got furious. He broke a TV tray.

Anne: Physical abuse in the form of physical intimidation, people aren’t educated about that. They don’t know that it is physical abuse.

Joyce: Yeah

Anne: Right

Joyce: It was scary, right next to one of our dogs. I said, stop, you’re scaring everybody. Please stop. He turned it on me and said, this is your fault. You’re the one making everyone upset. This goes on for a couple of hours. My spouse had been showing me a video of one of our dogs on his phone.

We were sitting in bed. I leaned over, looking at this video, and then some time went by, a few seconds, maybe a minute. I felt him grab my face and shove me back. Hard, I had a shooting pain in my neck. I asked him why he did that. He said, oh, you were in my personal space, he was very calm. He wasn’t angry. This one frightened me because he wasn’t angry.

Anne: Would you say overall, just for our listeners, 99 percent of the abuse was emotional and psychological, and sexual coercion, right?.

Joyce: Yes, he crossed a major line. I don’t know if there was some residual anger. I really don’t know. His physical attack truly affects your body.

Anne: Knowing a little bit of the story, I think he’s sensing that he’s losing control. He’s trying to assert control again.

Physical Abuse Affects Your Body

Joyce: Yeah. I knew that was a turn in our marriage for the worse. The escalation in behavior that I felt was inherently violent. There was a violent undertone. Not to mention this, this was physical violence now. I have an injury, I told him, Hey, that really hurt. I have some pain. Why did you do that? Can you please promise me never to do that again? He said, I’m sorry, your neck is hurting.

That’s the only apology, by the way, I ever got.

He said that I need to stop talking that way, because if someone heard me, they’d accuse him of doing something wrong. They would take away his guns. The minute he brought the guns up, there was a shift in the atmosphere. I thought, okay, this is a problem. I don’t know what to do, if that is where his head is at. Not that he just did something uncalled for and physically injured someone he says he cares about.

He’s worried about losing access to firearms. That’s a problem. I’m trying over the next couple of weeks to sneak things out of the house so that I can leave. As I mentioned, I don’t really have much time or space to do that where I’m not being observed. It’s not going well. I had been meeting my dad for lunch when I was at work. I was starting to tell him things are very bad. Then my dad gives me your number and I call you.

Teaching Safety Principles To Women

Anne: We deal with emotional and psychological abuse here at BTR, and safety is up to the woman who’s going through it, our only goal is safety. Divorce isn’t going to solve the problem in so many cases. If you get divorced and you share children, the abuse will continue after divorce. Finding safety is different for everybody.

All this to say, I teach women, safety principles and how to be safe and what safety looks like, have them take The Living Free Workshop, consider their options, take small steps to discover what’s right for them. I knew she’d be calling me the next day, and I could not sleep, I was thinking about all the things her dad had said, over and over. I felt like it was the spirit telling me, she cannot go back home.

She can only be at work once a month, sometimes, or maybe once a week. If she doesn’t get out tomorrow, she’s going to die. Like she’s in serious danger. Having a friend of mine have her son murdered, murder is an issue, like the Josh Powell story, he was never physically abusive that we know of until he murdered his wife. Then he murdered his children.

Michael Haight, I talked about him on the podcast earlier. Same thing with the dentist that I talked about. They’re not murderers until they become murderers. By that time you’re dead and they’re not.

Urgency And Alarm Bells

Anne: Alarm bells are going off in my brain. I’m not the kind of person who says, you have to get out right now. That’s not how I do my job. I’m thinking, this is weird. The panic bells are going off for me, even before I talked to her based on what her dad had said.

Joyce: Right. My spouse was being nice. I don’t know, sometimes you just feel like something is different. I felt like that and I couldn’t put my finger on it. To validate what you were feeling, I definitely was sensing something.

Someone was going to ask me, did he do anything? Did you say anything? No, but I’ve been married to him for several years. He was odd. When I went into the office around noon, I called you and you said, would you be able to leave work right now? I don’t really think I thought about it. I think I just said yes, let’s do this.

Anne: The things that she described check off all of the boxes on the lethality assessment. I was thinking it should be a no-brainer for her to get a protective order if we go to the domestic violence shelter, I remember you saying, what am I going to tell him? I said, you never have to talk to him again, ever.

You don’t have kids with him. You literally never have to talk to him again. Just leave work, come, leave all your stuff at home. We can figure that out later. We’ll get you a protective order and then you can go back with a police escort and get your stuff. I’ve been trained in the state that I live in, I know what I’m doing, I also know how hard it is.

Seeking Protection From Abuse Affects Your Body

Anne: It was still Shocking to me how bad the local services were. We do Individual Coaching Sessions and BTR Group Sessions every day and women get help in the form of support and validation. All our services are online. We help victims navigate local services since they’re usually so bad, and what they can do next. I have never had somebody in my car driving them around.

Joyce: I was pretty much in a state of shock the entire day. I was terrified. Absolutely terrified. I was afraid of what was going to happen when he found out. Just grabbing the lifeline, hoping that it was going to work out. The anxiety and fear really affects your body.

I let my work know that I had an emergency and needed to leave, I met you. We left my car somewhere, and drove to a resource center, which we struggled to get into.

Anne: They wouldn’t let us in.

Joyce: We got in, eventually someone came to the desk. They handed me some paperwork. I’m not really sure what the paperwork was.

Anne: It was to get services as a victim of domestic abuse. We walk into this domestic violence shelter, which also gives services. Not because she needs shelter, she can live with family, but because that’s the place you go when you need local services. There were no services. I said, “She needs a protective order right now. She’s checking all the lethality assessment boxes.”

They’re acting like, we don’t even know what that is, she needs a protective order! They said oh, thanks for the paperwork. You’ll hear back from us in a couple of days. Both of us look at each other.

Hospital Visit: Emotional Abuse Affects Your Body

Anne: We know he’s coming after her and he’s tracking her. He has left the house. That’s one of the lethality assessment boxes to check that I’m talking about. I’m thinking we need a protective order now. This is going to become an incident. We need police protection now. She was saying, Oh, we’ll call you in a couple days. I was like, no, no, I can’t take her home.

At this moment, I am the domestic abuse expert, and Joyce, is like, out for the count. Emotionally, physically, she’s just like, what is happening? All of the stress and fear really affects your body. My husband’s coming after me, he’s got guns.

I made a decision to take her to the hospital. I know the ER has social workers, security and people that can help her. That she will be safe there for hours. Hopefully she can just sit in this ER and be safe and he won’t know where she is until things can get settled. Then at least we know she’s safe for a while.

Joyce: The hospital’s probably the best thing that could have happened, because I had not received any treatment for my neck for a couple of weeks because I didn’t dare. They were extremely kind. They asked a lot of good questions. It was probably the least stressful experience I’ve had with a doctor, which is bizarre. They didn’t pressure me for anything, hey just asked me questions and they said, this is what we’re going to do.

They got me in and scanned to make sure there weren’t any severe injuries. I told them what happened. The social worker came in. Eventually a couple of police officers came in as well. They were all really good, matter of fact and extremely patient.

Emotional Abuse Affects Your Body: Safety Concerns

Joyce: I was an absolute mess. Meanwhile, Anne was coordinating with my dad to make sure that he was safe. Obviously, I’m worried about my safety, I’m also worried about my family’s safety.

Anne: She has reconnected with friends. We’ve been hanging out now that she’s my neighbor. We’ve been going to the movies. She came to my daughter’s play last night. She’s amazing. At the time I met her, she had been isolated and in the fog. The nurse asked her who is this? While pointing to me. She cried and the nurse said is this your friend? Joyce just nodded.

Then, the nurse said, is she your best friend? Joyce said, yes! I thought, I am! I am her best friend right now, I am also her only friend right now. She’s been so isolated. The emotion of that moment and knowing that you didn’t have anyone else except for your family. I had to leave because my son had a band trip. I was a chaperone.

The bus was leaving. I called a friend, Leah Moses, who is such a dear friend of mine, can you get to the hospital? I can’t leave Joyce by herself. Thank goodness Leah could go. I left Joyce at the hospital. Before I went home, I drove past Joyce’s dad’s house. I’d just seem like a soccer mom driving by in a minivan. Guess who’s in the driveway. Two of our city police with her dad.

Police Intervention

Anne: She didn’t have a protective order, we couldn’t get one. Her husband is on speakerphone with our city police. This police officer says to her husband, you are not welcome in our city. If you come here, we will arrest you. Do not come. Her husband responded, oh, really? Can you tell me what’s going on? This doesn’t sound like Joyce. Maybe she’s having a mental health crisis.

I thought, he’s a full-on abuser. This is exactly what they sound like. This is what emotional and psychological abuse sounds like. He sounded nice and calm. Then he said stuff about your dad. I’ll call him Bob. Is Bob okay? Is his health okay? I don’t think he would be like this. He’s always welcomed me to his home before. What’s going on? I’m so confused.

Then the officer said, “You are not welcome here. You will be arrested. Do not come, and hung up.”

Immediately after, your husband texted your dad, and your dad pulled out his phone. There’s a text saying, “Hey, Bob, are you doing okay? What’s happened? I’m confused. Why are the police calling me?” I’m thinking, you know full well why they’re calling you. I was thinking block him, don’t talk to him. I said if he shows up, and the police are nodding their heads, do not talk to him. Don’t open the door.

The police were amazing. I was so grateful that they did that and your dad felt better. A protective order is just a piece of paper, but with it you can call on the police. The police telling your husband, “You’re not welcome here.” Is just as effective as a protective order.

Support & Gratitude Affects Your Body

Joyce: Your friend was amazing, I just want to say thank you to her.

Anne: Yeah, she’s amazing.

Joyce: To come help someone out when you’ve been through that, I can’t even imagine. I was very lucky that day. I was at the hospital for several hours. Eventually they discharged me. I called my sister and she was able to come get me. The rest of the day, I was just a mess. I was scared. To some extent angry at myself, which I’m only saying because I think that is probably common.

I was angry that I couldn’t find a way to get out without a fuss, I felt so guilty for all of the people who had been put out by the situation. I felt like I should have been able to handle it. But the truth is, I couldn’t. If I could have left, I would have. I really did have no way of getting out. There were cameras all over our home. As you said, we knew he left because I got an alert telling me. I don’t think I could have gone out any other way. It had just affected my body too much.

Anne: He also would not have been surprised because you didn’t even know.

Joyce: No this was not the plan. I was starting to think oh, I need a plan, but I definitely didn’t have a plan. I now have a protective order. The Victim Advocate has been amazing. An officer went to my spouse’s house, asked him about the incident, and I think he still must have thought he didn’t do anything wrong.

Consequences & Emotional Abuse Help

He told them exactly the same thing I told them, and that’s an assault. He’s being charged with assault, and because of that, the courts put in place a protective order. Which has helped me relax a little bit. All the stress affects your body so much one day I’ll be able to fully relax. That day is not here yet, I’m just trying to take everything as it comes. I am so grateful to have met you. Thank you for being there.

Anne: Thank you. You didn’t put anybody out. I’m just grateful I was there to help you. The abuse had affected your body so much. I mean, that is serious stuff. To have the honor of helping you. Thank you. I think everyone felt that way. It was an honor to assist you in your time of need, you cannot do this alone.

For women listening who may be making steps toward emotional safety using emotional safety strategies, but intend to remain married. If you don’t have anyone, our BTR Group Sessions are awesome. Reaching out for help is also a way to really realize if it is abuse.

If you’re wondering, is this abuse? Is it not? Being educated about abuse does not create abuse out of thin air. It helps you realize whether or not the thing that’s happening is abuse. The abuser does not want you to find out that it’s not you, it’s him.

How Emotional Abuse Affected Joyce Physically

Anne: The title of this episode is How Emotional Abuse Affects Your Body. Can you talk about how abuse affects your body when you were going through it and you didn’t even know? Then about how abuse affects your body now during the recovery from these emotional injuries? I say emotional and psychological injuries because although her neck was injured, you had many emotional and psychological injuries as well.

Joyce: The neck injury I could not excuse or reconcile in any way, shape, or form. It had taken a turn into physical violence. I don’t think you will come back from that.

Anne: Right. This is seven years in, this isn’t like the first few months into the relationship.

Joyce: It took a turn that I was not expecting. Throughout the marriage, the psychological, emotional, and financial abuse was pretty severe. I’m gonna be dealing with that for a while. Longer than I’m dealing with the neck injury. My body was telling me something was wrong before I let myself accept that on a mental level.

Abuse affects your body in so many ways, my hair was coming out in chunks whenever I washed my hair, just like handfuls of hair would come out. I talked to my doctor about it. She said, Oh, it’s probably stress. Great. Awesome. I don’t know how to fix that. My nails, like my middle fingernails, split constantly no matter what I did.

I was exhausted, constantly exhausted. My spouse put a lot of shame and guilt on me for us not being at our optimum health. I am in worse physical shape now than when we got married. Part of that was he wouldn’t let me go to the gym. I had restrictions and didn’t have my normal avenues of being healthy.

Health and Recovery After Abuse Affects Your Body

Joyce: My body was just breaking down under the psychological, emotional, and financial abuse. I’ve got a heart arrhythmia which is getting better. My dog, he was my dog before we got married, is now with me. He was diagnosed with a heart murmur a couple years ago, and they don’t really know what caused it. My dog had a vet checkup about a week ago, it’s gone. He doesn’t have it anymore.

He was subjected to emotional abuse as well. I’m just really grateful he’s out of there. Any living being in that household was suffering. They don’t have any other explanation for why his murmur is gone, but it’s gone. Abuse effects your body as an animal as well. They said he’s in good health. I wasn’t paying attention to my health. Sometimes you have to just stop and listen to your body, if it is telling you something is wrong, maybe that is your sign.

Anne: How are your nails now?

Joyce: They’re short, but there’s no crack. Nothing.

Anne: It’s not cracked and you’re not bald.

Joyce: And I’m not bald.

Anne: Have you had your hair fall out lately?

Joyce: No.

Anne: And you’re not as tired?

Joyce: No, I’m not as tired. I’ve lost 15 pounds and my diet is not amazing right now. I have more energy. I am taking my dog on a walk. He’s getting more exercise. I’m getting outside with him. He’s healthier. I’m healthier. The major change in my life is being out of that environment. If my health wasn’t a good enough indicator, his definitely is.

Ongoing Support and Gratitude

Anne: I talk to your dad. He went to my daughter’s play last night. He’s helped my daughter with her singing because he’s a choir teacher.

Joyce: He loves doing that. He says my vibe has improved, so much better. The fact that they actually see me, they’ve said, is a huge improvement. People are saying, you look really good. I say, yeah, thanks. I’m not getting torn down every minute of every day.

Anne: Right. When I picked you up at your parents house to go to the domestic violence shelter to try and get the protective order, I think you apologized. I said, I know you’ve been abused. I know that I should not tell you what to do. Apologizing already! You’re not doing anything wrong! She was in this cave of lies.

Joyce: It was bad. He forced me to apologize. I really couldn’t win on any level. As an example, a few weeks ago, I had a breakdown. I realized at 2 a.m. I hadn’t flushed the toilet, I was just petrified for a few minutes. Then I realized, oh wait a minute, I’m not going to get reamed about this. If I was still with my spouse, he would yell at me for being careless and unhygienic.

Then he would remind me every time I went to the bathroom for at least a week to make sure I flushed it. He would occasionally just happen to be in the bathroom to make sure that I was doing it. Just a glimmer of why I was so overly apologetic for what I felt was a problem to other people. He wouldn’t let me clean, and so I felt like being in that house with him affected my body so much.

Overcoming Psychological Trauma

Anne: For me, for a year after I was fighting with my ex in my own head. Like I was talking to him. I was having arguments with him in my head, I had to be like, Oh, he’s not here anymore. I don’t have to have an argument with him anymore. It’s this period of time where they haunt you, even though they’re not around. Do you feel like that’s been happening at all?

Joyce: Oh, yeah. It’s not arguments, in my case. It’s, why did you do that? Can’t believe you did that, you know better. Incessant negativity about anything. I find myself trying to preemptively prepare for an argument if traffic is bad and I’m going to be late. I get physically tense and panicky. Abuse affects your body in reliving it as well. I’m trying to remind myself more, you don’t have to do that.

It’s going to be a slow process. I just never want to talk to him or see him again, I really don’t. I hope that this doesn’t happen again. I’m technically round two for him.

Anne: Because that’s probably what happened in his first marriage. By the way, I messaged his first wife on Facebook, I gave her my phone number?

Joyce: I don’t know, but I haven’t heard from her. If she doesn’t want to talk about it, that’s no problem.

Anne: We need to get her on the podcast. .

Joyce: I don’t believe he was honest with me about what happened in that marriage. Things he said about her were not true.

Gratitude & Moving Forward Out of Abuse

Joyce: I just want to say thank you for all of the work that you’re doing.

When we first met, you told me that you were grateful for your abuser because BTR wouldn’t have happened without him. I told you that was BS. I do not have the intelligence, fortitude or skill to go out and create an organization that helps women. You do podcasts; you do all of this writing. That is you. It’s not him that comes from you. You are a wonderful, special person who is making a huge difference in the world.

I’m not overstating things when I say that. I think you might have saved my life and I’m so grateful. To people who are listening to this, there’s never a good time. You might feel totally alone and you might be horribly isolated. I speak from experience, but there are people who can help you, don’t give up.

Anne: They will become your best friends.

Joyce: Two steps forward, one step back is still one step forward.

Anne: She now lives in my neighborhood, I’m going to have her back on in six months or a year. To see how things are going. Right now, I’m helping her through the divorce process. I can’t personally help everyone that listens to the podcast for obvious reasons. If you need support, The BTR Coaches are here for you.

Our coaches are online ready to help you in daily group sessions and individual sessions. Joyce, you’re brave, you are strong, you’re incredible, you’re beautiful, you’re an amazing person!

Joyce: Oh, thank you.