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If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes

If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes

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Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Get bonus content on Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Host and founder of VGBees, John Warren, is joined every week by cohost Niki Grayson and illustrious guests adjacent to video games and culture for candid, funny, and enlightening conversations about an art form that is both uniting and dividing us. Every week, The VGBees Podcast will explore trends and touchpoints you need to know in order to have the most well-rounded idea of what's going on in games. Explore vgbees.com after each episode for notes on each episode as well as written pieces ...
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Friends Reunion

Fanbyte

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En gång i månaden
 
Every Friday, join the Fanbyte Thinktank to cackle over internet obscurities, semantic debates, and really anything else that comes to mind. Hosted by LB Hunktears, Niki Grayson, and John Warren, this one’s for the discerning listeners. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. Discord: https://fanbyte.casa/
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Every Sunday, Fanbyte’s John Warren brings you a weekly roundup of the biggest news headlines in video games and entertainment. Plus interviews with industry professionals from around the gaming world. Talk to us and fellow listeners on the Fanbyte Discord: https://fanbyte.casa/
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The Sunday Scroll

John Warren (Floppy Adult)

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Video games and internet culture are constantly shifting and changing, but twelve year industry vet John Warren can be your chilled out guide sorting through the mess so you can relax. Join him every two weeks as he chats with fascinating figures in and around these worlds while you take a morning walk, kick back with a cup of coffee, or lounge around with a furry friend in your lap.
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Niki, LB and John put down their PSLs long enough to recording a brand-new episode of your favorite podcast, discussing such seasonally appropriate topics as which 90s sitcoms are the most Jewish, tips for dealing with "truculent teens," John's dishwasher installation story, "childhood trauma objects," if hats need instructions, witnessing crimes w…
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This week, Niki goes deep on Starfield's DLC, Shattered Space. It's about the snake people, the most interesting part of the original Starfield. Does the DLC have the juice to get folks back into Todd's big space sandbox? Will John have a meltdown comparing the narrative depth and nuance of Tali's Pilgrimage quest in Mass Effect to what happens in …
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Hey folks it's Jordan, the producer! Normally I sit in on these recordings so I can give y'all a synopsis in the eppy description here, but this time I didn't do that! Because of all the ants in my apartment! So we're gonna listen to this episode together, okay? It'll be a fun bonding experience for us. I hope you're excited about getting bonded!!!…
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This week, Niki and John discuss their favorites so far in the year's most astonishing release, UFO 50. What's your favorite from the collection? Also: Ghost of Yotei Legacy of Kain 1 & 2 Remastered Hell is Us Overwatch The Legend of Zelda: Echoes of Wisdom As always, your burning questions from The Hive are addressed and answered!…
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Damn girl, 100 episodes? Believe it. To celebrate, Niki, John and LB look to the future of our program by discussing a number of topics, including the potential affects of attending NYU on Baron Trump, LB's bad experience with loophole weed, if Mario from video games had a diaper, the age at which you "forget all your stuff," Niki's attempts at ema…
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Nintendo decided to sue Palworld this week so Niki and John would have something to really dig into. Thanks, Nintendo!!!!!!! Also this week: Switch 2 possibly leaked Concord's team is in limbo shockingly positive Dragon Age: The Veilguard previews the PSX-styled PS5 fleet the breadth of UFO 50 Your Hive questions are also answered and the podcast g…
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John, LB and Niki prepare for their upcoming 100th episode by first questioning the validity of their 99th episode, then pivoting to a number of topics not entirely unfamiliar to the program, including prison tattoo technology, loose orbs for your desk, salty licorice, the food fads of yore, making viral videos "dog friendly," step-by-step instruct…
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This week, John breaks the news of Annapurna Interactive's staff resignation to Niki. They also break down the PlayStation 5 Pro reveal and talk about the 650 additional people laid off from Microsoft this week. As far as specific game chat: Marvel vs. Capcom Fighting Collection: Arcade Classics Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door I Am Your Beast S…
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LB returns from space and is appalled by what they discover: John and Niki, exactly the same as ever. Unfortunately for LB, the podcast's mystical properties immediately begin working to erode any perspective or normalcy that they acquired during their working hiatus. You will be pleased to know that topics of discussion for this episode include Al…
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Niki has been blessed to have several days with Astro Bot and decided to tell John all about it, despite the fact that John can't play it for another few weeks. Tragedy. It sounds absolutely lovely and what a time for it, too. In addition to contemplating the overall state of games, the two discuss: Concord Marvel Snap Balatro We also answer your b…
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With LB still trapped in space, Niki and John are joined by #1 Drivey Superfan Michael Higham for a fun-filled romp through a variety of salient discussions, including a beer bong for piss, whether or not Caillou is "just bald," the racial demographics of Ireland, carrying a knife in Big 5 Sporting Goods, how they get the lotion in the tissues, gam…
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Niki and John have a good old fashioned "hey are we separating art from artist now" conversation they didn't plan for when tackling the receptions to Black Myth Wukong, Star Wars Outlaws, and the inevitable Assassin's Creed Shadows. In lighter fare, the two also discuss: Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Remake The Legend of Heroes: Trails in the…
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John went up to rescue LB from the International Space Station and got himself also stuck in the process, so this week Niki is joined by friend of the show Charles Harte to discuss a wide variety of topics, including (but not limited to) flat tummy water, bread with seeds in it, girl-related juice, Charles' "anti-Karen" mom, leaving reviews for thi…
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This week, Niki and John celebrate the return of Peter Molyneux to the world of games with his main stage appearance at Gamescom Opening Night Live. We were just talking about needing more weird guys in games, and wow we got our wish! Will his game ever come out? How much did he actually make on that NFT game he probably used to fund this new game?…
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Hey folks! In case you missed it, new episodes now happen on Monday! Happy Monday! Also LB is trapped in space for a few weeks but that's not a permanent change, so don't worry. We've got a lot of fun guests to help out over the next couple weeks, including me, Jordan, the producer, who is on the show this week! I tend to make the show less funny w…
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We have a big confession to make, gamers. John and Niki have watched videos and read articles about a video game called Deadlock, which Valve has sworn us to secrecy never to divulge its very existence. Consider it then, dear gamer, a privilege that we've chosen your ears as the recipient of our knowledge. If we disappear from this earth, you will …
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This week, John and Niki are joined by former Video Lead at Game Informer Alex Van Aken to talk about the abrupt, ghoulish closure of the storied publication. It's a great chat that illuminates what the past few months has been like at the magazine as well as a bit of a dive into some history and memories of the brand. Alex also pulls the curtain b…
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John, LB and Niki press onward despite a number of seemingly insurmountable challenges, including the return of Scam Text Theater (feat. Reginald Thimbleberry), getting a colonoscopy, jerking off with L. Ron Hubbard, distractingly large famous penises, official communique from the State Department, and against all odds, somehow even more. Welcome t…
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This week, Niki and John discuss a terrible week for Bungie employees, a terrible week for Jon Blow, and a terrible week for AI discourse in video games. All in all, it's a laugh riot for two straight hours! Also discussed: Thank Goodness You're Here! Steamworld Heist II College Football 25 Madden NFL 25 NBA 2K25 Also, Hive questions about: Richard…
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This week, Niki and John got way into it about Evo 2024, the brilliance of fighting games, and the way sports have (and haven't) infiltrated the industry's biggest event for the genre. Also: No Man's Sky 5.0 Flock Dungeons of Hinterberg The crew also (clumsily) dissected the ramifications of Bethesda and World of Warcraft teams forming wall-to-wall…
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Hi this is Jordan!! I wasn't around for the recording of this one and all LB said is "warnings for spoilers of Manhunter and idk what else," so you're on your own for this one folks! Hope it turns out okay! Thanks and sorry! Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying wo…
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This week, Niki and John tackle the most important news of the week, including: whether Niki should see Longlegs not wearing headphones on video calls hanging doors Oh also video games, including: Kunitsu-Gami: Path of the Goddess Bioshock Infinite Emio - The Smiling Man In hour two, they're joined by Secret Base's Kofie Yeboah, who is as excited a…
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Niki, LB and John discuss the need for change in America's relationship with its own milquetoast national anthem, in addition to related topics, such as the price of Prozac, new innovations in scrotum technology, the Batman Returns iteration of Catwoman, being Johnest with each other, and predictably, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving…
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This week, Niki and John are joined by The Verge's Ash Parrish. On the agenda: - our favorite jazz musicians - which wines pair best with human aging - disgusting Aperol - Cody Rhodes' appalling chosen aesthetic OH ALSO video games! - Zenless Zone Zero - Supermoves - Xbox Game Pass tier changes - Steam Deck - 2K's rumored FIFA game - College Footba…
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John, Niki and LB go the extra mile this week by proving evolution, showcasing their incredible psychic powers, taking the time to look at and think about breasts while live on a podcast, exposing the Coors nuclear waste controversy, making the world-first announcement of a new Shrek film, and if you can believe it, somehow even more. Welcome to If…
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This week, John's riding solo due to holiday scheduling apocalypses. Never fear! He's here to chat about the best in games this week, including: - The new Switch Online slate (it's weird) - Fragpunk's closed alpha - M. Bison is live in Street Fighter 6 - The Land Beneath Us puts an interesting spin on roguelites ALSO, we answer questions directly f…
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Remember, remember the 5th of Julember ... (In this episode LB, Niki and John [all best friends] discuss where "it" goes "after butthole," the Ben Shapiro that escaped containment, the rules of being a ghost, Reba, the legitimacy of antibiotic warnings, the Cisco Groove, and reluctantly, somehow even more.) Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your …
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John and Niki are back at it again with all the news and analysis in games you need to know. This time, they're joined by Imran Khan, who is totally normal when it comes to heating up leftovers! Anyway! The crew covered a lot of ground this week including: Guy "Dr. Disrespect" Beahm's overdue ouster from the public consciousness in the wake of the …
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LB, Niki and John crest the final apex of Gimmick Month, playing a brand-new game of Niki's design, pushing friendships to the limit and making us rethink everything we know about the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics. Other topics of discussion include (but are not limited to) Christian for-profit universities, Hootie & the Blowfish, sex ramps, tinned …
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John and Niki take a deep dive into a very strong Nintendo Direct, featuring discussion of: The Legend of Zelda: Echoes of Wisdom Mario & Luigi: Brothership Metroid Prime 4: Beyond Marvel vs. Capcom Fighting Collection: Arcade Classics The New Denpa Men Later, they're joined by writer, author, and budding miniature painting YouTuber Merritt K to ch…
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Gimmick Month continues with The Second Annual White Off, where we see which of our four contestants is the whitest. Once that's settled (the results will SHOCK YOU), Niki, LB and John also discuss serving cunt in the chicken line, whether curling "has balls," hanging out with Jenny Nicholson, whether you can "get one out of a dead guy," John's rec…
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Niki and John are joined this week by Game Informer associate editor and MinnMax contributor Charles Harte. All three were all in Los Angeles to cover Summer Game Fest 2024 and came away feeling mostly energized by what they saw and played. Covered in this episode: - LEGO Horizon Adventures - Wanderstop - Power Rangers: Rita's Rewind - Skate - Fabl…
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Gimmick month continues with our first-annual Master Chief Beach Week, the replacement holiday full of sand, sun and fun! Or that's what the copy says anyway, in practice it's mostly talk about the various ways that white people ruin the beach without even enjoying it themselves, in addition to various diversions concerning bumper stickers, scented…
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On the eve of SGF, John posted up in his downtown Los Angeles hotel room to talk to himself for roughly 40 minutes. Niki's busy getting ready for Giant Bomb's extremely busy weekend and John's trying to get a website launched, so please enjoy this more low-key second episode before we go deep on everything going on with SGF. Topics covered: Dragon …
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John, Niki and LB are all in the same place! Wowie zowie! That means an in-person recording, which also means the audio is a little roomier than usual, but the vibes are still just like you like 'em! Topics of discussion for this week include (but are not limited to) the world of dreams, emotionally insensitive burlesque performers, Dan Ryckert's u…
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John, Niki and LB ascend the Gender Tower for an episode that's going to be just as much of a surprise for you as it is for me, because I haven't heard it yet! Also featuring a surprise visit from Former Chief Medical Advisor to the President of United States Anthony Fauci. Oh no! Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navig…
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John & Niki are officially back in the saddle talking what it means to be back working in games media after a hiatus! TL;DR, they're both excited to be doing this again together. This week, our hosts are eaten up with what makes a game "finished" in 2024 and does it even matter? Hades 2 is certainly big for an Early Access game, but how does it evo…
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Teetering on the edge of oblivion, four friends (three regular and one frog) embark on a sacred journey of personal discovery. During their travels, the group discusses many topics of importance, including why Jon Bon Jovi cheated on his wife, what the white lady from TikTok is up to these days, the various slogans of Outback Steakhouse, which bird…
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It's John. It's Niki. It's LB. It's all three of them, and they're here, being as smart and drunk as ever, talking about the things YOU care about most, including a brand-new legal system for punishments, the hairy teeter, the history of Atlantis, the long-awaited return of Scam Text Theater, notes for John's acting skills, tall buildings, and some…
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In what is perhaps our most cracked episode to date, LB, Niki and John struggle to overcome a well of extreme negative energy by playing jenga, inventing new uses for numbers stations, selling phone numbers for more ketamine, re-learning Flonase, answering a telemarketer call live on the podcast, and against all odds, somehow even more. Welcome to …
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With LB on a Hero's Journey through the bowels of Hell, John and Niki once again conscript Producer Jordan into the triumvirate of intellect that is If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes. Topics of discussion for this meeting include (but are not limited to) the contents of John's most recent stress dream, carbon monoxide poisoning, ape films, photos …
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LB, Niki and John, having achieved unparalleled success as super-famous TikTok influencers, return to their humble podcasting roots for another round of important discussions, including (but not limited to) how much of acting is just demon possession, that Drew Carey tweet, white people music, discovering the source of 95% of the stress in LB's lif…
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With John trapped in the 1990s, producer Jordan joins Niki and LB for the typical weekly slate of activities, which includes inventing new kinds of gambling, coming up with a new big titty anime lady-based form of financial investment, peeing into the little cup, Niki's new friend Juliette, and somehow ... even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, C…
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With Jordan back on the sticks, LB, John and Niki return to their regular work of discussing the most pressing issues facing today's Sleepy Americans, including the existential pain of being in the audience for bad comedy, the dire comments on our good TikToks, heroin as a venture investment, the good ol' days of file sharing, the best grass for wh…
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With Jordo away at a sensual conference for banjo frogs, the gang are actually pretty well-behaved. We talk about water bottles, the very worst songs we know, cereal, gifts for kids, and probably even more. I don't remember. Jordo usually writes these and knows what we talked about in the episode. Frankly I'm not sure. It's probably funny though. H…
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With Niki trapped in the labyrinthine tunnels beneath the Boston Convention and Exhibition Center, emergency reserve friend merritt k joins LB and John to discuss websites about eating metal, Bigfoot's dick, an interesting car LB spotted and its resulting bevy of secrets, who we would impersonate if we were to impersonate a celebrity, the secret to…
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LB, Niki and John open their ongoing notes document and attack this week's agenda, which includes John's new screenplay idea, a new crops-based gambling venture, solving Bruno Mars' gambling debt situation, finding new tax loopholes, addressing the issue of how many years there are, LB's dog's secret Facetime calls to John, a really unfortunate ham…
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John, LB and Niki take a trip down memory lane, reminiscing over what it was like to live in the era of "the TV is on," in addition to nuanced discussions of softcore pornography; John's dog's ballsack; sending butthole pics to Matt; if Starbucks had a conversation pit; soaking; the return of MAUL WATCH; Niki's Tiktok dream; and darlin', somehow ev…
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The crying sky of Los Angeles, which cannot be consoled, will not prevent LB, Niki and John from discussing the various ongoing perils surrounding one of history's greatest sports (video games), in addition to Niki's mounting CPAP debt; bog standard cheating on your wife stuff; getting AMPED; lesbians!!!; if bus is car; more quality products from t…
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Niki and LB help an extremely sleepy John overcome his post-flight fatigue by discussing the mysterious woman he saw at the airport; the food in New Orleans; Niki's new best friend Kelly 🤝; LB getting they German passport; if Scandal was made for $10; using Cameo to ask questions questions of the people reading messages on Cameo; and if you can bel…
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