Transformers: Just When You Thought Chernobyl and Challenger Were the Worst Things from 1986

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Have you ever been without something or someone for so long that you ache from places deep within yourself? And when you finally become reacquainted, the crushing realization that reality will never live up to expectation washes over every fiber of your being and leaves you a convulsing, sobbing waste of human life? Well put on some of that extra runny mascara and squeeze into your party dresses, because after a longer than anticipated hiatus due to all sorts of disasters only a middle aged family man would ever have to deal with, Jay and Benny are back! And what better way to celebrate our return than with an absolute dumpster fire of an animated movie, based on a flaming crap heap of an 80’s cartoon, which spawned frustratingly inarticulate action figures, all of which Benny somehow loves more than life itself?

Transformers - the 1986 cartoon, not the abominations that Michael Bay crapped out after a night of shooting motor oil into his genitals - really is a movie from our youths that should never have existed. From half the Autobots we grew up loving being gang executed in the first 5 minutes, to Orson Welles gasping out Unicron lines while being resuscitated on a hospital gurney, this movie is a shining example of the power of nostalgia. Sure, Optimus Prime rocket jet-leaping into battle and “arise Rodimus Prime” are goosebump-inducing moments, but this is one of those movies that we love solely because of the time in our lives that it represents. When we had all the time in the world. When our biggest concern was having to eat an extra veggie for dinner. When our main sorrow came from having to put Optimus Prime and Megatron down for dinner. All of those moments before growing up, getting a job and raising a family absolutely annihilated our wills to live. It sure as heck isn’t because this is a good movie, because it absolutely is not.

Transform and roll out with us, and watch this movie through the lenses of a 9 year old as we dive back into our childhoods and talk about things like:

• Can this movie’s cast calm the #$%@$ down? Orson Welles, Eric Idle, Judd Nelson, Leonard Nimoy, Robert Stack, Casey Casem...say what you will about the movie, but the production team didn’t skimp on the talent
• We feel as though there was a better way to introduce new characters than having most of the ones we loved getting unceremoniously gunned down in cold blood. Ironhide getting a Megatron cannon to the skull? Cold blooded
• While we’re on the subject, it isn’t as if they committed genocide so that awesome new characters could take their place. Is Arcee better than Ratchet? Is Kup better than Ironhide? Should Blur even be allowed to exist in this world? We think not
• Jay can kiss Benny’s posterior; Stan Bush wrote the soundtrack to our lives. I dare you to play Dare and not rock the heck out
• This entire mess of a movie produced two moments that you will Youtube again and again. Optimus exploding into the air to gun down Decepticons is the animated kids movie equivalent of Rambo opening up a 50 cal on Myanmar soldiers
• Ultra Magnus is far more of a repugnant coward than we remember him being. From aggressively not caring about comrades presumably dying, to clawing away at the Matrix while he’s gunned down into pieces, he’s sniveling and worthless
• Most of the side stories are completely pointless. The ocean world gives us an annoying child to entertain Hot Rod, Kup, and Grimlock, and the junk planet gives us horrible looking robots who conveniently have interstellar spaceships ready to launch. Yes, we get it...here are shark and motorcycle robots for you to consume, little piglets
• The final fight between Hot Rod and Galvatron/Unicron is cheesy, terribly animated, and makes no sense. It’s also one of Benny’s favourite moments in all of movie history, so take that however you like