Part 4

Nightmare on 34th Street: A Xmas Grotesque

NIGHTMARE ON 34TH STREET: A XMAS GROTESQUE

Words + Music by Geordie McElroy

Part Four

In a parking lot, Dunn waited

Desperate, fleeing gallows

In the backseat of a federal fleet

Obscured among shadows

When agent Jones entered her car

Dunn made himself known

“Please, this whole things is a setup

Couldn’t reach out by phone”

Dunn produced the North Pole matchbook

The burden that he lugged

Who could these markings belong to

These fingerprints in blood

"How did you know where to find me?”

“I know what your routine is”

"I need your help to search this thumb

No way it’s Joe Martinez”

***

Jones and Dunn worked in underground lab

Federal agent convinced

Needed to find the owner of

These bloody fingerprints

The system ran a billion thumbs

To try to make a match

With a ding as it landed on

A perfect pair at last

“It’s just like you said,” Jones showed him

“These prints are Joe Martinez”

“But he’s been dead 13 years

Any explanation for this?”

“Let’s check Martinez’s first arrest

In analogue era

If system hits another print

We can pin-point error”

Jones pulled up Martinez’s file

From 1993

There was a different ink thumb

For anyone to see

“What happens if we run this one?

It might land on our Joe

But if its a sloppy hacking job

The culprit’s one may show”

Jones ran the print from ’93

“I think that there’s a glitch”

A face and name appeared on screen

"Not sure how this was missed”

“His name is Kolya Kalmykov

With deep alias list

Nicky Green Eyes, Ochi Nefrit

Others call him: St. Nick”

“13 years ago he vanished

Gave Interpol the slip

How did he and Joe Martinez

Get their fingerprints flipped?”

Agent showed a grainy photo

From years and year long past

A man with topknot, golden teeth

And dangling mustache

“I know I’ve seen that face somewhere

Doppelgänger for Kohl

But that man can’t be our sergeant

He’s decades way too old”

“Could Kalmykov be Kohl’s father?

Fingerprints passed to son?”

“No, every set is unique

That’s just not how its done”

“If these prints belong to Kolya

Could be a lighting trick

Or perhaps plastic surgery

But your sergeant is St. Nick”

***

Kohl and Noel entered banya

Obscured in clouds of steam

The holy warmth wrapped around them

Surpassing North Pole dreams

“Are these hot tubs your key to youth?"

Noel asked the Sergeant

“No I’ve got a potion stronger

Kept in far compartment”

He said: “It’s one part reindeer fat

And glandular secretions

a touch of Volga black magic

Plus one secret ingredient”

He led her into deepest room

Through hot fog distortions

“Here’s the key to the whole process:

Essential oil of orphan”

Within she saw apparatus

A distillation vat

Tubes and pipes and metal kettles

Lost girls boiled in back

“Roxanne, Roxanne are you okay?”

Kohl said: “She can’t hear you

They’re nearly drained of every drop

You see they’ve lost their dew”

Noel saw countless graduates

Of St. Nick’s Home for Girls

Strapped into the sauna machine

Obscured in hot rock swirls

Their eyes were glazed, their mouths open

Drool dribbled on their chins

“These are of no use to me now

Each one is a has-been”

“It’s you I need my fresh Noel

Let me bask in your glow

Wouldn’t you like to warm in here

Or freeze out in the snow?”

“Why do you treat us so awful?”

Noel asked the Sergeant

“Suffering key to E.O.O.

Orphan tear enlargement”

“You want to drain my tears?” she said

“No, you misunderstand

You’re the one I’ve been searching for

Come here now, take my hand”

Sergeant told Noel: “I need you

As much as you need me

An eternity forever

I’m the sand; you, the sea”

“For 13 long years I’ve watched you

Never seen your equal

I figured out eternal life

Co-star in my sequel”

“Never!” Screamed Noel. And she turned

Made a break for the door

But the exit was obstructed

By huge birch waving masseurs

“What a shame,” said Sergeant Kohl

“You could rule by my side

But you had to seal your own fate

Time to suck your tears dry”

***

Izzy awoke is custody

Chained in clandestine cell

A shining light blinded the boy

His slacks soiled as well

A voice emerged from the Shadows

“You thought you’d have a look

What did you think of the North Pole?

And where is our matchbook?”

“I’m not telling you anything”

Izzy exclaimed: “Fascist!

You’re cowards with greater numbers

You hide behind your badges”

“There’s someone you need to speak with

He can help with this matter

He’s a hypnosis pioneer”

Into the light, stepped Dr. Adler

The doctor purred to Izzy

“Follow this piece of Jade

Listen to the sound of my voice

Let’s penetrate that brain”

Izzy tracking the moving jewel

Time, defenses melting

“Why did you come to the North Pole Club?"

Adler asked the gelding

“I hate stepmom, Portia Koopman

Saw her name on hit list

But as much as I want her gone

There’s no justice in this”

“Everything has been horrible

Since my dad remarried

I can’t stop putting on weight

And it’s embarrassing”

“I look ridiculous dressed up

Casual I’m a bum

I can’t attract anybody

I don’t know how it’s done”

“I haven’t fit in anywhere

Since my real mother died

I think I’ve become this messed up

Seeking some place to hide”

“When my mother was alive

Everything was easy

Good was good, and evil evil

Now everything deceiving”

“I can’t tell the difference

Between right and wrong

If doing right gets you nothing

And foulness brings throngs”

“Good things should happen to good people

And the wicked punished

All I want is simplicity

All I want is justice”

Dr. Adler leaned in closely

Whispered in Izzy’s ear:

“Do you know what you have to do?

The answer is spring-fed clear”

“This year you get what you desire

Finally, your justice

The time has come to kill Portia

And all is healed, trust us”

***

Noel strapped in oil extractor

Dial cranked to the max

The sweat started to pour on her brow

The heat started to tax

The orphan began to fade out

And soon she lost her glow

As drop by drop the vat was filled

With precious E.O.O.

“My best girl, you could have joined me

We could have ruled together

What’s the point of eternal life

If I’m alone forever?”

“I’ll never be like you she said

Chasm between us far”

Sergeant said: “I don’t think that’s so

Know who your parents are?”

Before he answered the question

With poison tongue pollute

From deepest depths of the banya

A melody on flute

“Guards!” The sergeant shouted to masseurs

“Which one is on patrol?”

But none of his men responded

Sentries turned to coal

From clouds of steam a man emerged

With seal furs and a patch

There stood the figure Knecht Ruprecht

Who snapped the orphan’s straps

Kohl locked eyes with hermit crab ghoul

From frozen depths of hell

Ruprecht softly addressed sergeant

“I’ve come here for Noel”

Kohl chastised the fur clad figure

“Some other orphan bother

This one right here is spoken for

I am Noel’s father”

“What?!?” screamed Noel. “Impossible

No way that I’m your seed”

Just then Kohl made recognition

Old memories he seized

“You?” Said Kohl, with terror mounting

“I’ve seen you once before

But that was lifetimes ago

On Volga’s eastern shore”

“Indeed you did,” answered Ruprecht

“You were just a foal”

Then he lifted up his eye patch

The Sergeant turned to coal

***

Noel and Ruprecht stood atop

Skyscraper made of glass

The highest point in low down town

Above fetid morass

Winter whipped, and the north wind blew

The coldest place on earth

“Why have you brought me here?” she asked

“To hand out just deserts”

“What can you see before you now?

A city without a soul

Rotten folks have exploited you

So now they’ll turn to coal”

Noel stared down at the city

Peering over the edge

Ruprecht said: “Come follow me girl

It’s time we get revenge”

***

Channel 13 weatherman said:

“It’s record breaking cold

Upon this moonless Christmas Eve

Hope you’re all safe at home”

“Remember kids: Santa’s coming

So please, leave a snack out..”

The signal cut along with the lights

A citywide blackout

***

Flashlight combing Koopman’s wreckage

Steve’s text on secret phone:

“SOS! Can’t talk right now, babe

Sorry, I’m not alone”

“You need to get down here right now

I don’t care if you’re busy

This isn’t about you and me

This is about Izzy”

***

Through oceans of black Steve speeding

Past the marsh, dead man’s cove

Along abandoned cannery row

To North Pole club he drove

His headlights flashed the darkened lot

He found Pearl waiting

“What’s the matter with the boy now?

Was he… masturbating?”

“No. But when he saw me he freaked

He got beat up by elves

Then carted away by the cops

I saw it all myself”

“So does Izzy know about us?

Did any info leak?

Does he know of our secret love?

I thought we were discreet”

“We need to go find him,” Steve said

“He might be in a cell

That’s no way to spend Christmas Eve

Honestly sounds like hell”

***

Stoll and Wargo kicked down the door

Entered Dunn’s apartment

Guns and flashlights swept the hallway

Said: “Police department”

Wargo eyed the place with pity

“Look how this slob’s living

Stains, filth, and countless cans

I almost feel forgiving”

“This is the haunt of a creature”

Stoll uttered in disgust

“That trees been dead some 13 years

Look at all of this dust”

“Obviously, Dunn has gone crazy

Through Adler’s bewitchery

Let’s do this and get on home

Put him out of his misery”

In the back they heard a shower

Traced it to the bathroom

Opened door triggered booby trap

Twin shotguns went KABOOM

***

Witching hour on 34th

Dunn stalked in the shadows

Disguised in ragged Santa suit

Crept to Portia’s rat hole

He came upon broken displays

And shattered charity glass

Dunn slipped into the grave quiet store

Through scenes of chaos passed

Dunn caught a murmur in the depths

Low and steady chanting

Silently he closed in on sound

Footsteps softly planting

He stepped on a piece of broken glass

Invocation silenced

Dunn’s advantage given away

Spine tensed up for violence

A voice called to him from darkness

Hello, Lt. Dunn

Flashlight spotted Portia Koopman

On Santa’s throne she slung

“You knew I was coming," asked Dunn?

“Isn’t it obvious?

You should have finished me sooner

I blame your sloppiness”

“I’m not here to kill you,” said Dunn

“I came here in warning

St. Nick has found out where you are

He wants you dead by morning”

“St. Nick? I thought you were the bank

That Volga goon is a clown

I taught him everything he knows

No way he takes me down”

Dunn drew up his silent pistol

Eyes locked without a blink

“Who sent you on this fool’s errand?

Tell me it wasn’t Nick”

“What do you mean?” Dunn asked Portia

“You know about the list?”

“He and I are old friends, you know

Didn’t expect this twist?”

“We’ve been in business for many years

Koopman’s is his bankroll

He gets ingredients I need

And for that I’m thankful”

"Could you fathom growing old?

Losing your looks, your grace?

E.O.O. does wonders for glow

It tightens up the face”

“This town doesn’t have time for age

You know it likes them fresh

You can’t turn back the mortal clock

But try and...