Show Up for Myself: Selena Blackmore on Becoming Independent and Finding Purpose

PITY PARTY OVER

When we constantly prioritize others' expectations over our needs, we become mentally and emotionally exhausted, leaving little room to focus on what truly matters to us.

In this episode of Pity Party Over we explore how embracing authenticity and purpose can lead to both personal and professional freedom, even in the face of fear and uncertainty.

Our guest today is Selena Blackmore, an intuitive life and transformation coach who helps individuals reconnect with their life purpose. Selena spent nearly 20 years in the corporate world, constantly seeking new challenges. However, she ultimately felt unfulfilled by the persistent politics and lack of connection to her values, realizing her calling lay elsewhere.

Having a personal conversation about meaning, freedom, and legacy is crucial, whether we decide to be independent professionals or continue in the corporate world. Being true to ourselves is more than just a career move—it’s a lifelong path of growth that helps us stay aligned with who we truly are.

Listen to the episode on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, YouTube, Amazon Music, or your favorite podcast platform to learn how to become an authentic and emotionally engaging leader.

Subscribe to Pity Party Over for more insightful episodes. Questions? Email Stephen Matini or send him a message on LinkedIn.

TRANSCRIPT

Stephen Matini: My first question for you is actually something that I see in a lot of people's eyes when I talk to them, you know, to professionals. At some point, you decided to become an independent professional. So how was the transition for you? What inspired you to make the leap? Because that's something a lot of people would love to do, but somehow never bring themselves to the point of doing it.

Selena Blackmore: Because I spent almost 20 years in corporate and a great company, and I moved around a lot in that space.

So I had, I call it a luxury of having a very big company where even within that company, I could almost sort of redefine myself. So I would purposely, every two to three years, would go out and look for something different, something new, something I hadn't done before. I have, I would call probably a fairly I don't have low attention spans the right way, but I get bored quite quickly. So I get someone that I like learning and I like doing new things.

So I felt like if I was in a job for two, three years, and I kind of I feel like I'm there now, I wouldn't kind of stay with it and be like, OK, let's just, you know, let's just enjoy the ride. I'd be like, no, I need to go and push myself out somewhere else. And it wasn't really like a conscious decision, I'm now going to set up my own company. I always knew since, you know, very early on that at some point I wanted to be independent, self-employed, and go into that direction. But I'd always thought it would be later in life when my children were older, etc.

And it was just things that happened. So my position basically was there was a reorg. My position didn't exist anymore. And I spent three years doing different things in the company. And again, I had a luxury. This was a very it's a very good company, right? So I was allowed to go and try out different things. Again, new areas. And I just felt the same things were coming out that just they weren't aligning with me. So it was just the same things that this thing is still bugging me. You know, it's still the politics, or it's still this, or it's still that.

And there was just a moment when I was like, you know, why not just go for it? And when I decided to make the move, I didn't have a big plan. It wasn't like I had a detailed business plan. I hadn't got it all figured out. It was very much a hard decision of this is try. What's the worst that can happen? I guess I kind of went into it thinking, you know, worst case scenario, if it doesn't work out, I can just go get a job again. And I just knew I didn't want to stay in that company. So I just thought, well, let's go. Let's go try.

And I have to admit that I am a bit of a risk taker, so I am someone that probably does take risks in life. I think I also just had a sense of trust. It will work itself out. Or even if it doesn't, that's also okay. So I kind of went in feeling kind of open to however it turns out.

Stephen Matini: Back at the time, did you sense that there was something missing from your corporate life that you needed to find that somewhere else?

Selena Blackmore: Absolutely. I think someone said beautifully, becoming independent is like the biggest journey of personal growth disguised as work or disguised as a job. And I think that's really true. I think what I was missing in my corporate world was the connection to me. So I was very lucky towards the end of that time. I was working with leadership development, so I was getting more closer to the work, I think, that was more attuned to me naturally.

But I think I was just missing where I could really feel my values connecting. So, you know, my purpose in life is to serve others and support others. And I was kind of missing that I didn't really feel I was being able to do that. Or it was it felt superficial. It didn't feel real. And I think what I was missing sometimes was, even though the purpose we were working towards was was a great purpose, a fantastic purpose, I felt people were losing sight of that.

So there was a lot of, you know, people got lost in the politics and wanting and looking good and all that stuff that goes on in these big companies and kind of lost sight of the purpose of why are we here? And I think I just got to a point and said, no, I want to I really want to work with people and companies and businesses that are really aligned with their purpose and still have that clearly, clearly in front of them, because it just matches more with my my values as well.

Stephen: You pointed out two things that sometimes don't go hand in hand, which is you have the politics, the organizational politics and the ability of people to live their values and purpose. In your opinion, if you had stayed, hypothetically, is there something that could have been done in order to create a more authentic, driven purpose environment? Or this is just a dream that is impossible in organizations?

Selena Blackmore: So for me personally, absolutely. I think where I am now, and this is actually also the kind of work that I'm now engaging in, that I think that when you are, you can be aligned with your purpose and kind of living your truth, it matters where you are, but you can do that in different environments. And I think at the time, I wasn't a space where I knew how to do that, or maybe I didn't, you know, have the right people around me there to kind of help me find how to do that.

But I think, absolutely, I think finding your truth or finding your purpose may change where you're working, or it may shift, you know, exactly what you're doing, but it also may not. Because I think a lot of it's around really, when you feel that sense of being comfortable with what you do, and it's really like, you know, this is really me. This is why I wake up every morning, and I feel super excited about being me and going out there and doing work and helping others, whatever my purpose is, just that energy in itself when you're bringing it into the space you're going in, whatever that work looks like, or that job or that career, I think you can absolutely be in your purpose.

From my experience with working with a lot of people and also my space of coaching, I think people feel, as you said, this is often a conflict. And I think it can be brought together. Obviously, you can only own you, right? So I think you can decide how much work you're going to put in into yourself and how you want to show up. You're going to have less control on what's going on outside. So I think you also have to be okay with you're not going to be able to maybe, you know, you can't change the other people. You're not going to necessarily change the organization.

But I'm of course a big believer in like, you know, the ripple effect. So if you start showing up differently, if you start maybe bringing different energy into meetings or how you connect with people or how you lead, that will have a ripple effect on others as well.

Stephen Matini: Have you ever seen the level of authenticity in your corporate experiences in someone that openness? Have you ever witnessed it?

Selena Blackmore: Yes, I have. After a couple people there was so there was one person I was working in in leadership development. He was heading that group. It was so different to anything else I'd experienced in that organization. And I had moved a lot. And the organization had also transitioned a lot since when I started, also in terms of how, you know, people were being treated and how people, the expectation of how people should show up. But he just said what he thought and shared his truth.

And what I specifically really respected, that he didn't care whether it was the CEO of the company, or it could have been the cleaning lady. So the way he showed up and shared his truth, he had no, he wasn't he was anti-political. So there was no like, Oh, you can't say that to that person. He was like, Well, I mean, why not? Why is that person worth more than this person? And he really lived that. He really lived that. It's hard to be like that. I think it's not easy.

So I think, again, as a person to really show up like that, yeah, it takes a lot of inner strength and inner work. And I think also the awareness that, you know, you're not necessarily going to be liked by everyone. And I think it's letting go of the sense of, you know, this is going to be challenging for some people and being OK with that. And again, he wasn't he was quite open about I'm not here to be liked. I'm here to create change. I'm here to ask the difficult questions and to kind of, you know, put the elephant on the table and kind of be like, what are we talking about? And I really admire that. He's still one of my big inspirations in that company.

Stephen Matini: What you just said, it must be probably the main reason why I am an independent professional, because of the luxury, the beauty of being able to create a space with people in which you can be yourself. In all these years, working with different so many people, thousands of people, from CEOs, managers, you name it, I haven't seen a single time, a moment in which people with me in that some sort of sacred space didn't feel comfortable to be themselves.

And I love that because it's a space of possibilities in which people can really think. And fun enough, sometimes in that space, I have people that normally within the organization may have some difficulty of being transparent, but then when you create that bubble, people can be that. So I really wish that there was some easier way for everyone because people really suffer tremendously as a result of politics.

One thing that I often investigate with people as you do is their sense of purpose. So it seems to be a gigantic question, like, you know, the meaning of life. How would you make it simpler for people? What would it be a first step to get a sense of who the heck you are? What is your purpose?

Selena Blackmore: I'm actually going to share something that I just an experience I had yesterday. So I had a beautiful experience yesterday, where I was with a group of women, and it was kind of a mixed sort of art manifestation, sort of vision purpose workshop.

So basically, you had you had a beautiful dinner, and then you kind of did a painting that represented just what you said, kind of what is your purpose? What's your goal for the year or your purpose? The lady that was running it, she the way she got us to introduce ourselves, which I found very profound, is she said, I want you to answer the question, Who are you? Sounds like a simple question. But then she said, but I don't want you to use your name.

I don't want you to say, you know, how old you are, you know, how many kids do you have? Are you married? What is your job? What are your hobbies? Nothing that defines you kind of that we associate, we associate we create these associations, right? Well, I'm, you know, I'm single with three kids, I'm married with two, or, you know, I do this job. So leave that all away. And who are you as a person? Who are you? So who is who is Stephen? Who is Selena?

And it was such a profound question and really made me sit back and I think I was like, I don't know if anyone's ever asked me to basically describe myself like that. And it's a very simple question. And I think starting with simplicity to really start thinking about who am I? Who am I as a person without all the external stuff going on is a fantastic way to really start doing exactly what you said, to really start checking into ... who am I?

And then I think leading on to that is something also like, how do I want to show up for myself? I think again, and I'm sure you're familiar with this, particularly within kind of the coaching space, a lot of people, you know, want to focus up like, how do I show up as a partner? How do I show up as a parent? How do I show up as work, you know, to my family, to my friends? And these are all great questions, right? I think these are all good things to be thinking about. But I think a lot of us don't start with how do I want to show up for myself?

And really kind of consciously kind of tapping into thinking about who am I? And then how do I want to show up for me? Because would you start starting from there, that's going to then automatically or the other spaces where you're going to show up, it's going to be much easier. That's going to be more in flow, because you're going to know who you are, what your essence is, you know what your purpose is. And then automatically, that will start flowing and also how you show up.

It's actually a really hard question to answer, but it can be as simple as asking a question. And then, you know, you might not know. You might be like, actually, I have no idea who I am. And that's great, right? That's also good. Then, you know, but it started that process, you know, in your head and your heart. So you might then, you know, on that run or in the shower or drawing a paint, whatever you do to maybe connect in with yourself, you may then be thinking about that and then have an aha moment to be like, Oh, maybe it's not. I'm also a big fan of journaling. I don't know if you journal, Stephen?

Stephen: I do.

Selena Blackmore: Oh, that's fantastic. I love journaling. I've made it really my morning, my morning ritual. And I think journaling is also a great way, right? So even just writing things down that come up to you can help you sort of really think about these kind of questions. Who am I? How do I want to show up? Even asking yourself that question every morning and writing it down. And again, no judgment. There's no right or wrong. It's just what feels right to you. And then maybe things come up that you never expected or never thought about.

And that's the exciting part of getting to know yourself, right, and kind of transforming. And I mean, I'm 43 now. I'm turning 44 this year, and I feel like I'm only really starting to get to know who the real me is. And I spent a long part of my life thinking or pretending to be something maybe wasn't quite me. And now I'm like, oh, no, actually, this is actually what I think I really am. And I think it's a lifelong journey.

I think until we our last breath, I think it's the journey of getting to know yourself is one of the best investments I think you can do in terms of relationships that I think will have huge impact on all the other relationships you have in your life.

Stephen Matini: When you made this commitment of being really authentic with yourself and decided to go, you know, to be independent professionals, what was the reaction of people around you where they are supported, where they are critical? Did you get crap?

Selena Blackmore: So there was a mix. And I should maybe add that when I made the choice to go independent, that the timing was really off, right? I was quite freshly divorced. I had I have three children, a single parent, and the divorce was financially not good for me. So I was kind of kind of financially starting against the timing really wasn't good. It wasn't like, this is a smart financial, smart decision to kind of go out there and kind of put your family into risk.

So there were some people that were basically like, are you sure? I think I didn't get I didn't get crap from anyone. I think no one was anywhere to my face. I put it that way. I don't know what they said behind closed doors. There probably were quite a few stuff like, Oh my God, what is she doing? So I did have people that were just you could tell like, are you sure? Again, the company I left, it's a well known company. I've been there a long time. The pay is very good. You know, I have really good paid jobs.

So I was losing leaving, in theory, something very secure to go to something completely not secure and quite random. And there was kind of no plan to that. So there are definitely people that were just like, what are you doing?

People closest to me, and one of my oldest friends we've known since like 13, she was probably I always say she's my biggest cheerleader. So she was definitely like, Oh my God, this is fantastic. You've got this. This is so right. And during all my time now, and I think as you know, any any person who's taken the leap to be independent, you know, it's not all fairy lights and sunshine, right? It's a bit of a rollercoaster.

So you're going to have good times, you're going to have lots of good times. And she's a fantastic cheerleader. So there's been times when I've been like, oh, I'm not doing this anymore. This is too hard. And she's like, no, you've got this and hang in there. And I think having cheerleaders in your life is super important. You need to have those people. You don't need to have like a whole like a whole cheerleading team, but just having one or two is super critical.

And Germany was interesting. So a lot of people were just kind of said, oh, you're very brave. So it's kind of like you're a little bit crazy, or you're very brave, or you're kind of both. But I was interested. A lot of people were actually quite positive in terms of like a bit of a sense of, as you mentioned before, like, oh, wow, I'd love to do that. Like, that's almost a little bit, I'd love to do that, but I don't feel safe enough to do that.

Or people often share their ideas like what they'd like to do. But yeah, but, you know, the kids are small, or I'd be nervous about, you know, how it would work. So it was more positive than negative. Again, to my faith.

What I've also learned is particularly when you're working on new ideas and they're not quite formed yet, to be a little bit careful with who you share them with as well. I think that's something I've learned, you know, sharing with your cheerleaders, right? Because they're going to be like, yeah, absolutely, you know, go for it. This sounds amazing, or it sounds great, but maybe adjust, they'll be honest with you.

But be careful, you don't share with too many, because I think people can also pull you down energetically or also be kind of like, Oh, are you sure? And, you know, and yeah, if it's not going well, maybe just look for another job or, you know, do this. And that's not necessarily what you're needing to hear. So I've learned to be more careful with who I share certain things with. And yeah, definitely get make sure you have a couple of cheerleaders in there because we all need them and do it yourself as well, right? So I always then try and be a cheerleader for those around me too.

Because I personally think anyone can set up their own business or become an entrepreneur or do their own thing. And interesting, if you look at it generationally, I think there are more and more younger people that are actually doing this, right? So I think it's the younger generations coming through seem to just have more of this sense of trust or like, you know, I'm going to try it and see what happens. And I think, yeah, maybe people more in my or our generation are still like quite risk adverse. But yeah, I mean, I think anyone can. I think you have the vision and you have the motivation and your hearts in it. I mean, why not?

I think that's when we start going out, distracting ourselves, right? We start going out, finding external things to try and feel because it gives you that feeling of there's always something missing. And I think I mean, I did that, right? There's that sense of something missing, and then you'll distract yourself with working too much or, you know, doing excessive, like people that, you know, do excessive sport or whatever it is you do, you know, or, you know, change relationships a lot.

You'll find your search for external ways of trying to fill that gap, because it's not a nice feeling, right? And at some point, you might realize that nothing's going to fill that gap, right? Because that gap has to be filled by you and you looking inwards and kind of connecting.

When you lose a lot in a short space of time, it makes you realize, you know, everything is just so in the moment, right? What we have now could disappear very, very soon. I mean, I lost my dad when I was 25, so I lost him quite young.

And then I had a period when I kind of, you know, separated with my husband, worked myself into a burnout, got divorced. And then I actually also lost my mom when I was five months pregnant with my daughter. And she was similarly she was my rock. Like, she was my she was my everything. I mean, my mom was literally like my best friend. She was in and out of my house all my time. You know, she was helping my kids. And I lost like this, this like rock in my life. While I was five months pregnant, she never got to meet my daughters. I have two boys and a girl. She never got to meet my daughter.

And, you know, there's a point when you're like on your knees, you're just like, this is I can't, you know, and you can take it because I also believe that life puts obstacles in front of you that you can deal with. But and there are opportunities for growth. But at the moment, it's really hard. But when you get through that, when you grow through that, I do believe it takes away a lot of that sense of being scared of maybe smaller things, because when you've kind of lost everything that defines you, and I remember when I was in the burnout, and I felt like I failed on my marriage, I failed at my job, everything that I felt defined me as a person, and you're left with nothing.

You're like stripped bare. It's very humbling. It's a humbling experience, right, where you really need to think about, okay, well, what am I then? I think that was really the first one of the first nudges when I had to start thinking about, well, who am I? You know, if I'm not, you know, this family unit that I wanted to be, I'm not the successful corporate person that I thought I was, and that kind of taking that step back or being forced to take that step back and reevaluate who am I is humbling. But it does, as you said, help you to maybe take more high risk decisions later on, because you're like, well, I've lost it all.

So as you said, what's the worst that can happen? And I think, you know, I'm the most grateful every day for my health, because I think health is just the utmost thing we can have. And for the health of my children and my loved ones, and everything else is just cherry on the top, right? I mean, if we're healthy, if we can wake up every day and we're healthy, we can move our bodies, then everything else is, it's the sprinkles and the fairy dust that adds to our lives.

Stephen Matini: And even now, when I think about what is the worst possible thing that it can possibly happen to me, whereas before, it was a lot of fear. And now I think, oh, wow, that would be really, really hard, but I'm going to live it. I'm going to experience it no matter what that is, you know, because that's really, that really is what makes me alive. So I think for me, it was a lot of trying to avoid, you know, that pain. And it's something you cannot avoid because inevitably life brings you that. So ...

Selena Blackmore: yeah, and then it's beautiful. Thank you for sharing that because it just makes me think of when you said we're trying to avoid pain. And it's also a lot of it's what we have in our heads, right?

So we create this, we create this. I'm going to say fake reality. And I know because I used to do this all the time. I mean, when I was a child, I was this huge worry. I'd worry about anything and everything that could ever happen. I had quite high anxiety as a child. And we create these like stories in our head about everything that's going to happen. And we tend to default to the negative, right? So, you know, you get an email from your boss that just said, oh, can we meet? You know, can we meet in half an hour? And you don't have a meeting plan. And automatically, I had to go, have I done something wrong? Why do they want to see me?

Well, you know, oh my God, have I not done something? And you go to all the things instead of like, you know, my manager wants to check in with me. And I'm really looking forward to it. So I feel we default very quickly to the negative and create these stories about, you know, all these terrible things that can happen, I still catch myself doing this. And then after you're like, Oh, okay, you know, it wasn't. And I personally say, I find it's actually really hard work to consciously like stop yourself from doing that, to really work in, you know, being in the present and be like, No, I'm here now, because the future is not is not reality, right?

Because it hasn't happened. It's just in our heads of what we've created. This avoidance of pain or, you know, being being left, you know, the sense of lack of something. Again, it's not real. It's just what we are telling ourselves with this story we're creating in our head. And I think we're finding ways of whether it's, you know, through mindfulness, meditation, or whatever, journaling, lots of different ways of really helping yourself to be more in the present. I'm a big believer in breath work. So you know, kind of like breathing.

If you're feeling, as you said, you said beautifully, you learn to feel more in your body. Where am I feeling anxiety? Is it my chest, my heart, my stomach, and breathe into that? And that can that can have huge shifts. I mean, just it can be simple things. I think people sometimes think, Oh, I need to meditate every day for half an hour, and I don't have time for that. You don't, you don't. I don't have time to meditate every day for half an hour. But it can be just literally sitting and breathing for like a minute, 30 seconds, breathing into the ocean and then letting that go and then being like, OK, now I'm ready.

And I'm going to go on. And as he said, I'm going to go forth into it. And I think releasing that sense of all that worry in your head, finding spaces where you can connect to you, I think is such a pivotal practice in embracing, you know, who you are. And as you said, going through the emotions, because they're all there for a reason. I mean, fear is a good thing, right? We have fear for a reason. I mean, fear, we have fear millions of years ago. We need to have fear to survive, right? We need to when we had to run away from the Sabertooth tigers and, you know, whatever else is trying to eat us, basically.

So I've had to do a lot of work with embracing my fear and basically saying to my fear, thank you for being there. You've kept me safe in situations that could have been dangerous for me. You've kept me safe and I could have, you know, done stupid things or hurt myself. But there are going to be times when I just don't need you. So again, it's I think the sense of and I love how you describe it, letting all the emotions be a part of you, because as soon as you reject something, the way the universe usually works, it's going to throw it back in your face, right?

I mean, it's like, even you drive, I don't want to have fear or I don't want to feel pain. It's like, yeah, okay, we know you don't, but you're going to get it. And then usually what happens is that you're going to attract more of it until you decide to have a look at it. So learning to love all your emotions goes back to what we discussed is, you know, who you are and showing up as yourself and loving yourself, right? I think falling in love with yourself more, which is, I think, again, something we're not used to doing.

It's really hard for us to love ourselves, truly. And something, this is my lifelong mission. I think I will be doing until the end is really working on, you know, loving myself and loving me.

Stephen Matini: You know, if you can be of any consolation, because you are still so young, bear in mind that when you pass 50, that feeling becomes even deeper. Yeah.

Selena Blackmore: Oh, so I'm excited now. So now I can look forward to that. Thank you.

Stephen Matini: Yeah, like, you know, when I when I turned 40, I thought, oh boy, I thought I knew something at 30 now, you know, and it was really in 40s, I think a wonderful. But now, you know, my 50s, it's almost like you tear apart another layer, another layer, another layer, like everything, anything you're saying, it becomes even much more so, you know, so you'll see.

Selena Blackmore: I'm excited now. Thank you. You've helped me look forward to me turning 50. Yeah, it's funny, isn't it? Because if I think back when I turn 30, you kind of think, oh, I've got to all fit it out now, right? And you're just like, no, you don't. But it's funny how you go through those stages of thinking like, you know, you've got you have this image in your life, image of how you want your life to be, and you set it up that way. And then, yeah, you realize that it's maybe not. And that's good. I think it's good. It's part of your part of the learning curve, right, of experience yourself in different stages.

Stephen Matini: It does. And for me, being free is such an important thing. Being free means a lot of stuff. It means exactly what you said, like, have a sense of who I am, enjoy my life. And as time goes by, I do see the freedom becoming more and more and more. So I think it's a beauty probably of aging. Certain things, unfortunately, you just do not know when you're younger. But as you age, you have that. It's difficult for all of us to age, but the understanding and the, I don't know, awareness that you have, it becomes so much richer for sure. As a result of all this transformation, how do you define success these days?

Selena Blackmore: Very differently to probably actually even five years ago or a couple of years ago, even actually no, even since to when I started my business, it's changed, evolved a lot. I think for me, success now is being able to really live my truth.

So do follow my purpose, be able to live that, be able to do that every day, and kind of make that also how I earn my money. So kind of, you know, make that into also how I attract abundance into my life. And also, for me, success is, and you touched on it. I think having a having a clearer sense of what's really important to me in life, that makes sense.

So I think when I was younger, I was probably I haven't been super driven by money. Money's not been super motivated for me, but I think I was much I was used to be more driven by kind of position and role. And I definitely have, you know, I was quite driven about where I wanted to go career wise. And I think now it's one of my I say my biggest luxury I have now is time, like time has become so important to me. You know, time I have with my children, time I have with my friends, time I have with me.

It's like I spent a long time of my life where I put myself really far back behind everyone else. And I feel now I'm really starting to change that balance. There needs to be a balance, right? So just time is a huge definition of success for me. And as you said, you know, the sense of freedom. So I feel it's a huge luxury that I can have time for me. I'm not in this kind of nine to five space where I have to be somewhere and take part in seven hours of meetings a day.

But I really can, you know, choose the people I want to work with, choose the spaces I want to work with, work in, and just be authentic. Yeah, be authentic to me, live my truth, be authentic to me. And in that also could follow my purpose to serve, to serve others. And time, yeah, time is a huge definition of success for me now, because it's a huge luxury. When you're in the hamster wheel of work, you underestimate it because you're just kind of in it.

And once you step out, and I think that was a big thing also, when I have my burnout, is once you're out of it, all of a sudden, you're like, Oh, wow, oh, there's something else. This is also kind of cool. I think it's something that I still see, particularly from a lot of my friends and social circle there, a lot of them are both working parents and with children and, you know, jobs that take quite a lot out of them. And there's always this constant sense of stress and rush and this and that.

And I feel really privileged that I've been able to step back out of that and just give myself more space, give my family more space, give those around me more space. Because again, it goes back to that, how do I want to show up? And if I want to show up as being true and present for people, and if I'm constantly stressed and constantly running from here and there and there, you know, I'm not going to show up with the best version of me.

Stephen Matini: When people, our listeners are going to listen to this episode, if there's someone that feels not quite authentically herself, you know, feels a sense of misalignment. Where would you say they should pay attention to? Where should they start in order to create the better alignment?

Selena Blackmore: I think it's a very individual journey. And I think that's what I find so kind of exciting about working with people is that people are very different stages or very different spaces. And I think it's also very important, as you know, with the coach, you know, you need to really pick them up where they're at, right? There's no point going out there and telling, "Okay, you need to do all this big stuff?" And they're just not there yet.

I mean, as I said, you can start with simple things. If someone's already started asking themselves the question, or they've already noticed, you know, something doesn't feel right, and they've already started asking themselves the question, what is it? You know, what we talked about earlier, who am I? How do I want to show up? They've already kind of planted that seed. I don't, do you know, do you know Gabby Bernstein?

Stephen Matini: No.

She's written several books and a lot of work around manifestation, and she talks about the power of planting a seed. And I love this analogy. So it's almost the second you kind of start putting that out there, planting that seed in you, and again, as you mentioned, not just from in your head, but also in your heart, in your body, in your emotions, that's starting to create momentum. And I think it's like starting, if you spark that seed and start to create that momentum of energy, you're already doing it.

And that's why I think a lot of people underestimate you're already starting to do the work. People often feel like they need to fill in a form, or they need to do something, or they need to like, you know, go to a workshop or do X, Y, Z to start the process. But the process starts from when you've actually started recognizing, I need to change something, or something doesn't feel right, or, you know, every time this happens, I feel this thing, or I'm getting sick all the time when I do this, for example, that's already putting momentum into the energy of your inner journey, right, to recognize, what do I need to do?

And then I think to take it from there, it can be a variety of things, right? It can be array of beautiful, wonderful coaches, therapists, workshops. I'm a great believer in also when you sow the seed, kind of putting that energy out there and asking for what needs to come to me to come to me. So almost rather than worrying about, okay, but what coach should I take? And what will be the right therapy? Because again, we go back into that head of, what if I don't find the right person?

And I don't know what I need, but just say, you know, I want someone to help me with this, or I would like some guidance, and then let that go. And I swear, because it's happened to me so many times, it will come to you, right? You'll either Google the right person, or you'll bump into a friend, and they'll be like, Oh, you know, I know someone, you know, Stephen’s a great coach, you know, you should get in touch with him. Or, you know, if you think about even how we got connected, right? I mean, that was through someone we both know, someone who I worked with, you know, about over four years ago, I haven't, you know, seen for a long time.

So there are constant nudges out there. So it's a sense of just letting that go and seeing what comes to you and being open, and then the right people will come to you. It's important to be open. That's why I go back to that. If you're too much in your head about worrying about the right coach, the right therapist, the right, what you should be doing, it will block it. But yeah, I think it's the work started from when you first recognize that there's something to be done. So you're already doing it.

Be compassionate with yourself, right? I mean, again, give yourself a pat in the back that you're even exploring this, because there are so many people out there that just aren't. And again, there's no judgment, but just aren't doing this yet. And the fact that you're even thinking or exploring what else is there, you know, who you are, why something doesn't feel aligned, that's already amazing. They're already doing that's already amazing. So be compassionate with yourself and be kind and say, Hey, wow, you know, I'm already doing something, because we're hard on ourselves. I try and be compassionate with so many people. And I had a coach once say to me, like, you don't leave any compassion for yourself. Where's your compassion part in that in that? And I think it's, yeah, we need to be a little bit give ourselves a bit more self love.

Stephen Matini: In addition to what you said, I agree with you 100% in terms of where to start, one thing that I've learned over the years is to seek the help of people that have been there, that have done that, that have a lot of experience. Yeah, I think I owe a lot to amazing mentors and coaches and professionals that provided that. I call it the craftsmanship, you know, the experiences. They really helped me taking so many shortcuts in many, many different ways, rather than having to experience every single possible thing myself. And so for that, because you have been through that, I think people should talk to you because you know how it feels, you know, you know how it feels. You know how difficult it is. So people should get in touch with you.

Selena Blackmore: They’re more than welcome to. They're more than welcome to. But I agree. I think authenticity of the people you speak to is very important. And it also probably depends a little bit on if there's a certain area in your life you really want to work on, right? It could be whether it's, you know, more with parenting, you know, relationship with children, relationship with partners, work yourself. But again, that's what I think I was I meant before.

I think if you put it out there, you'll attract those people that will have that experience or have that space that will help you. And I think it's also the experience, but also inspirational. As I mentioned, this great art and manifestation workshop we did, I was able to be part of it was just inspiring. It's just a lot of inspiration of talking to people, as you said, that being through the same. And there's a sense of automatic connection and that sense of presence that it disconnects you as well.

And I think it helps you to kind of grow from that. So absolutely. I think we should there's so much knowledge and love and learning from people around us, and we don't tap into enough. I think there's a lot more out there and we don't tap into enough. It's a huge space where we can get better in as a community in the world is tapping more into the people around us. Because I think there's a lot more out there that we realize.

Stephen Matini: Selena, I've learned a lot today. Thank you for sharing with me your authenticity. Thank you very much.

Selena Blackmore: Thank you so much. It's been such a pleasure. Thank you, Stephen. Thank you. It's been great.