A Midsummer's Quarantine podcast

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Episode 6: All is Mended 34:04

för 4 years sedan34:04

Spela Senare

Listor

Gilla

Gillad

34:04

Titania and Oberon decide what to do about the chaos among the mortals. Puck plots his next move. To read the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out faustiannonsense.com. To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense. Episode Six: All is Mended Cast (In Order of Appearance) Puck -- JOE CRUZ Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER Helena -- AMELIA KINCH Demetrius -- TONY WOODS Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM Scene One [ Replay the last few minutes of last episode, with Helena threatening to move out followed by end music, which shuts off with a “pause” noise. Followed by the longest, most pregnant pause in the series yet. ] TITANIA Don’t. OBERON Hey Puck, what did I say after last episode? TITANIA Don’t . PUCK Honestly, there’s a lot you could be referring to. TITANIA Oberon, I swear -- OBERON Let’s start with the part about Helena moving out, since that’s exactly what’s happening. PUCK Got it! You said - [ Oberon voice ] Eventually, they’re either going to go back to something stable, or they’re going to leave . [ Puck voice ] And then you said - [ Oberon voice ] If they don’t kill each other, they’re gonna get tired of living in this weird, shitty limbo and they’re all just going to move. [ Puck voice ] And then -- (you said) TITANIA ENOUGH! I get it, okay? OBERON So you admit that throwing bullshit into a relationship just to force change doesn’t work? TITANIA [ Stammering a bit ] N-no! That isn’t the lesson here! OBERON Are you serious? TITANIA I stand by everything I said. PUCK Does that include - [ Titania voice ] You really think she’s going to leave it all behind just because things got a little more exciting? TITANIA Okay, fine, not everything I said! But most of it! It’s not all bad! Helena’s actually sorting out her feelings. That never would’ve happened without us! OBERON I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of the wind whistling through our soon-to-be-empty pantries. TITANIA Oh, gods. Look, like I said, I get it, okay? Even if I win a moral victory, [ retching noises from Oberon ] there’s no point if we’ve got nothing to eat. OBERON Moral victory? TITANIA Well, I bet Helena in a Handbasket’s ratings are way better now! Everything was so boring before that it definitely would’ve gotten cancelled eventually anyway! PUCK Do podcasts have ratings? OBERON Well, looks like we’ll never find out. TITANIA And I won the wager! Lysander still hasn’t left! OBERON Yes, well, with no emotions to siphon, I can’t make bread either way. [ Beat ] TITANIA [ Sigh ] You’re right. You’re right! We’ve fucked up our one and only food source for the pandemic. This has gone on long enough. OBERON Yeah. I think it has. PUCK [ Aside, under his breath, very excited ] Here we go… TITANIA The only thing we can do now is work together to fix it. PUCK What? OBERON [ Skeptical ] You’ve seen what “fixing” things has done. PUCK Yeah, yeah, no more fixing things. Look at you two! You can’t even fix yourselves! TITANIA Oberon and I haven’t tried to fix anything. We’ve just been letting you run wild. PUCK I did what you two asked me to! OBERON You did not -- (do what I asked) TITANIA It doesn’t matter! Oberon, we knew -- we always knew -- that Puck was going to do his own thing. You and I need to actually give this an honest shot. OBERON I have given this an honest shot. I wanted Puck to help. TITANIA Well, maybe you’re just dumb, then. [ Indignant Oberon noises ] Wait, wait, no. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant to say. Come on, be honest with yourself, Oberon. Puck, what did he say when you first volunteered to mess around? PUCK Oh, I don’t know if I recall. TITANIA Puck. PUCK Okay fine, I recall, but don’t make me insult myself! TITANIA I am your queen, Puck. PUCK Ugh! [ Oberon voice ] You only make things worse! TITANIA You’re not dumb. Which means you were...self-sabotaging, or something. [ Beat ] Or trying to make me happy. [ Beat ] PUCK [ Notably panicking ] Ah, come on! You’re giving him way too much credit! He probably just knew you wouldn’t listen to him if he argued! OBERON ...yeah. PUCK Yeah. TITANIA I know. I should’ve. PUCK No! OBERON Really? TITANIA Yes. There are two of us PUCK THREE! TITANIA --in this...penthouse. Y’know, eating from Helena. So our food source should reflect what we both want, not just me. PUCK Oh, come on! How can it possibly do that? You’re such different people! Your tastes are so different! Titania, you hate bread! TITANIA I don’t hate bread. PUCK But you were going carb-free! And he didn’t respect that! TITANIA That’s true. PUCK And don’t you remember why you went carb free in the first place? You were so bored! The same bread every day! TITANIA That’s true too… PUCK Exactly! So -- (clearly) OBERON I could have tried to mix up my bread recipe. TITANIA What? PUCK What ? OBERON You’re right. There are two of us in this penthouse. If you don’t like my sourdough, I shouldn’t force you to eat it. And if you were bored by...Helena and her friends...well, this obviously isn’t working, but you may have been right with what you said about change before. Puck? PUCK Gods, you know, I really don’t know if -- (I remember) OBERON I am your king, Puck. PUCK Uggggghhhhh. [ Titania voice ] The thing about mortals -- about people -- is that they change whether you want them to or not, Oberon. TITANIA [ Touched ] I’m surprised you remembered. OBERON [ Gentle ] I’ve remembered everything you’ve said to me in the past millennia, my lady. [ retching noises from Puck ] Anyway, you’re right. Change does happen naturally. TITANIA Yeah, it does. So maybe if we’d just let...Helena and her friends change naturally instead of manufacturing drama, that would’ve been...good enough food. OBERON Yeah. But also, I can...adjust my recipes, when change does happen. Instead of just trying to make the same sourdough. TITANIA Obi… [ Beat ] OBERON [ very obviously distracted and a little horny ] Hey, Puck, can you go get one of your potions? We’re gonna need the original if we’re going to reverse it. PUCK But -- TITANIA [ also very obviously distracted and a little horny, but firm ] Go, Puck. PUCK But I...ugh. Fine. [ Sound of footsteps retreating as Puck leaves the room, muttering. ] [ brief kissing noise ] TITANIA I’m gonna fuck your brains out after this. OBERON Oh, definitely. [ Sound of footsteps reentering the room ] PUCK [ Obviously miffed ] Alright, here’s the potion. Do whatever. TITANIA A reversal spell on one of Puck’s cocktails. You sure you remember how to do this? OBERON Oh, trust me, babe, it’ll be like riding a flower petal. PUCK God, this is insufferable. OBERON I’m turning the podcast up, that’ll give us a stronger connection. [ Podcast is audible in the background ] TITANIA Alright, hands together. Ooh, you really haven't forgotten how to do this, have you? OBERON Not a chance. TITANIA Gods, we really are going to fuck about this later. PUCK OH MY GODS. TITANIA Alright. Count of three. Ready? One, two… OBERON AND TITANIA Ti fo ess-nag-orrah ehht roff reh-fuss leew ee-mon-ok-eee ehht d'nah ay-eed-ah dih-puts a see ess-nehr-ruck oh-tip-eh-yerk [ As the spell is cast, we fade out to the sound of the podcast. It’s just muffled arguing, maybe some crying. When they finish the spell the mortals all gasp like something happened, then we hear 4 thuds as they fall unconscious. ] Scene Two [ After the four thuds, a moment of silence, followed by lots of groans as everyone sits up and gets their bearings. ] HELENA…

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Episode 5: Fond Pageantry 30:04

för 4 years sedan30:04

30:04

Things escalate with the mortals when Hermia drinks some of Puck's concoction. It starts to look bleak for Oberon and Titania...'s favorite podcast. To read the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out faustiannonsense.com To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense. Episode Five: Fond Pageantry Cast (In Order of Appearance) Puck -- JOE CRUZ Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER Helena -- AMELIA KINCH Demetrius -- TONY WOODS Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM Scene One INT. MORTAL’S APT. HERMIA So is this one live, then? HELENA Yeah, we’re live now. On air. HERMIA That is so brave, Helena, just putting yourself out there like that. HELENA Uh, thanks. HERMIA And I mean, it says a lot about how much Demetrius cares about you that he’s cool with it. HELENA What? Oh god, is it too much? I did try to make sure you were comfortable with--(it before you moved in) HERMIA Oh my god, Helena, it’s fine! I’m just saying, Demetrius isn’t exactly a public figure… HELENA You see yourself as a public figure? HERMIA And he’s not exactly a performer, you know? HELENA Ok look, I know I’ve been kinda pushing you two together, but you don’t have to--(insult him) HERMIA He’s like. Really real, you know? HELENA Oh. Yeah, I guess-- HERMIA Just really genuine. And you know I’ll only let the best people be with my girl, right? HELENA ...Oh. Well. [ knock on apartment door ] DEMETRIUS [ coming into the room in a hurry ] I’ll get it! None of you brilliant artists should be disturbed from your work. LYSANDER [ following ] You don’t have to flee the conversation, Demetrius, I was just saying I don’t want you to get too attached. I’m flattered, you’re a beautiful man… DEMETRIUS Oh, Lysander, my beauty can’t hope to compare to yours. LYSANDER [ sputtering ] Well! That’s very kind, but -- (you shouldn’t) [ Demetrius opens the door ] PUCK Drama delivery! DEMETRIUS Oh hello, it’s you. Wait what? PUCK [ like he’s an idiot ] Drizly delivery? What else would I have said? HERMIA What’s this? PUCK This is an apology. Or confession. Whatever works. [ exaggerated sympathy ] Demetrius, I have to confess. I’ve been listening. Like I said last time, I’m a-- DEMETRIUS A basketcase, yeah. PUCK Exactly. And well, it sounds like you’ve been having difficulties adjusting to some of the changes lately. Am I right? DEMETRIUS Not at all! I’m better than ever! How can I not be, surrounded by such beautiful -- (people) PUCK Yeah, yeah. Come here for a sec? DEMETRIUS What? PUCK Just… a little closer. [ Beat. Then a gross MWAH noise, followed by sputtering from DEMETRIUS ] That ought to do it! DEMETRIUS [ still sputtering ] Did you just kiss me? PUCK Yep! You should be fixed now. Oh, but I did want to apologize for all the fuss, so I brought this for you. Your other favorite. DEMETRIUS [ warily ] I don’t think I want anything from you. PUCK I’m sorry, you’re just one of my favorite podcast personalities! I couldn’t help myself. Take the drink in penance. DEMETRIUS Ok how did you know about this one? I don’t think I’ve ever said anything… HERMIA Demetrius, you didn’t tell me you had such amazing taste in beer! DEMETRIUS Actually I don’t think I’ve told anyone-- HERMIA You know, you really shouldn’t accept drinks from strangers. It’s very risky. And you, you’re very risk-averse, and I respect that about you. I would never, ever ask you to change that. DEMETRIUS It sounds like you just want-- HERMIA Let me take this bullet for you, Demetrius. [ opens a can of beer and drinks. Satisfied gasp. From here on out, total flirt with D. ] Oh yes , Demi, that was gorgeous. You really do have just like. The best taste. LYSANDER That’s what I’ve been saying. HERMIA Right? And I mean, Demetrius I don’t know if you’ve been staying on top of my Instagram… DEMETRIUS Uh, I mean I follow you. HERMIA Then you should know that my followers just adored your role in my recent posts. You’re my new star model! DEMETRIUS Oh. Uh. Really? Even with the green-- HERMIA And I mean. I thought your idea to wear green lipstick was a bit daring, but somehow it worked, you know? DEMETRIUS My idea? LYSANDER You really do have the soul of an artist, and I can see why you’d be drawn to me. But my soul belongs to Helena, so I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to let you down gently. HERMIA The soul of an artist! That’s it exactly . And I mean, this morning? When you did yoga for your first time ? DEMETRIUS I never said it was my first time. HERMIA Oh my god Demetrius, your downward facing dog was just scrumptious , especially for your first time. DEMETRIUS Scrumptious? HELENA [ approaches ] Hey, what’s going-- [ notices Puck still in the doorway ] Hi! Have we tipped you yet? PUCK [ grinning ] Oh I’ve got everything I need. HELENA Then, uh. Thank you! Stay safe! [ closes door ] Hermia? Demetrius? What’s-- DEMETRIUS Hermia just called my downward facing dog scrumptious. HELENA Oh. Well I mean, it was really impressive, especially since it was your first time… LYSANDER Not all of us can have my years of experience! HELENA Oh yeah, I mean hey, Lysander, I was really impressed by your….savasana. LYSANDER [ pleased by this compliment ] That means corpse pose, you know. HELENA And I think you made an excellent corpse. HERMIA Demetrius, though, I mean you have so much potential. HELENA Hey, guys, why don’t we move to the couch? Did that guy really just bring a single can of beer? DEMETRIUS [ sad he didn’t get any ] Yeah apparently it was an apology for. Uh. Kissing me? HELENA What? HERMIA Oh my god, it was totally uncool of him to ignore your boundaries like that, but I get it! I mean, who could blame him? HELENA O-oh! Wow. Well, uh, we don’t need to talk about that anymore. So uh. Hermia, what were we talking about before that guy showed up? HERMIA Hmm? Oh I don’t know Helena, I try to live in the present. HELENA But… HERMIA Demetrius, I really think my followers would love to see more of you. Maybe I could teach you some more yoga, one on one maybe, and we can take some pictures… DEMETRIUS Uh, sure! Do you really think that would help? HELENA You know, right now, I feel like we should focus on things that my listeners can follow, not so much visual stuff… We’re live, remember? HERMIA Oh my god Helena, why didn’t you just say that? HELENA I told you that like two minutes ago. HERMIA Helena’s listeners, you are so sweet to support my friend the way you do. I also think you would really like my instagram account, my handle is @grow.live.die… HELENA [ to Demetrius, trying not to sound jealous ] You, uh. She was really flirting with you! I thought I’d rescue you. [ panics ] Not that you need rescuing! Or that her flirting with you is a bad thing. I just... didn’t want to put you on the spot! You know, live. On air. That seemed like it could be bad, and before you came in Hermia was actually talking about how putting you on the air live might be asking a lot, and… DEMETRIUS It’s ok! Really, I don’t mind. I’d say if I did. HELENA Would you? DEMETRIUS [ distracted ] Sure! Why wouldn’t I. Uh, what’s Lysander doing? HELENA I don’t know. Hermia, hang on, lemme just grab… [ takes the mic, walks closer to Lysander so he fades in ] LYSANDER ...such joy to see you here! Ah Cobweb, it hath been so long! I feared I went where you could not follow! HELENA [ quietly ] Did he say Cobweb? DEMETRIUS I think so. LYSANDER Well of course! Your words of wisdom have never failed me. HELENA Did he get ahold of some paint again? DEMETRIUS I’m not sure it’s physically possible to stop him. HERMIA Oh, he’s just talking to the cobwebs again. He does that. But who cares about him? Let’s be present here with each other, Demetrius. Just you and me. HELENA [ skeptical ] Uh. I am also here. HERMIA Demetrius, how about I show you the crow pose, I can help you balance. LYSANDER I can certainly do that, my dear muse! Professing my feelings, my attraction, it’s the perfect outlet for the poetry inside me! HELENA [ skeptical ] Are the cobwebs telling him to flirt more?…

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Episode 4: To Best Please Me 27:54

för 4 years sedan27:54

27:54

Puck returns to the mortals' apartment with another special delivery...this time for Demetrius. Oberon is unhappy with the state of his sourdough. To read the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out faustiannonsense.com To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense. Episode Four: To Best Please Me Cast (In Order of Appearance) Puck -- JOE CRUZ Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER Helena -- AMELIA KINCH Demetrius -- TONY WOODS Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM Scene One INT. MORTALS' PLACE [ Demetrius has the mic and is muttering to it. Distant chatter with a bickering edge in the background. ] DEMETRIUS Heeey Handbasketers. Handbasketeers? Do you folks have a name for yourselves? [ sigh ] So, Helena's being Helena, thinking of everyone else before herself. Including you. Her fans. The fact that she's recording again... I tried to get her to take a day off, but no. Maybe you guys know Lysander better. Maybe she talks about him on the show more. I don’t know why she would, but… well, I’m kind of grasping at straws here. Is this… normal for him? Helena definitely mentioned that he was a disaster, but this level of flirting is… Well. It’s uncomfortable. I certainly had some uncomfortable revelations. [ pause ] And don’t get me wrong, he’s still flirting with everyone, sort of. That seems to just be how he talks. But it feels like his heart is only in it with Helena. It’s really weird. At least when they first showed up, he seemed so enamored with Hermia. Now he seems to think of her -- and me, but that’s less important -- as a pretty distraction from his sun, moon, and stars, which, seriously, is an actual thing he called Helena. Hel's not editing these, either, by the way. Just uploading without listening. She said she hasn’t had the energy, and I don’t blame her. I offered to help, but you guys know Hel. That was a lost cause as soon as I had the idea. Therefore, I decided to be proactive. It just so happens that the beehives on the roof needed to be drained urgently, and I was unable to do it because of a term paper deadline that had moved. And as you all know, Helena can be tricked out of stressing out over work if she thinks she can protect someone else from their own woes. So she’s off taking care of that, which hopefully is a good distraction. And to make sure she doesn’t have to make up time for lost content, I’ve taken the mic. And retreated to my room to get away from the...weirdness...that is Lysander and Hermia. Helena usually treats these things like a confessional or a diary, right? I--I can do that. I think. I definitely don’t have any big secrets, though! That’s what reality shows are all about, right? Dramatic stuff, like secretly being in love for years and years, and never knowing how to say anything about it that does the feeling justice without compromising a friendship that you truly value and hold dear to your heart. ...Or something like that. I wouldn’t know. Erm. I guess, uh. Oh, hey, how about this? Hermia’s trying to get us all to do yoga every morning. And I mean, I’m not opposed to that! You all know I’ve been getting pretty into the kettlebell myself lately. But it feels like she’s trying to bring her insta-fluencing into our routine, mine and Helena’s, and... [ Door opens ] Ah! Lysander? LYSANDER Demetrius! It seems someone is at the apartment door. DEMETRIUS … can’t you get it? LYSANDER I would! But it seemed to upset my beloved Helena when I answered the door last time. And I would rather walk across hot coals than cause her any -- (distress) DEMETRIUS Okay! I got it! [ mutters, sound of walking ] Whoever's at the door has got to be more fun than that mess. [ Demetrius opens the door ] HELENA Hey! Just me! Here’s your honey. It wasn’t nearly as full as you were worried, though. The bees are really becoming so friendly! I didn’t even need the helmet! DEMETRIUS I told you. Patience pays off, right? HELENA Is that the mic? DEMETRIUS Yeah! I thought… I thought I’d make sure you didn’t have to stay up late giving extra hours of material or something. HELENA Oh! Wow. Dimi, thank you, that’s so-- HERMIA Helena! Are you back? I need your face. HELENA Yeah, that sounds about right. Do you mind holding on to the mic for a little longer? Oh, and I let your Drizly delivery guy into the building! DEMETRIUS Yeah, sure! No problem! And thank you! [ HELENA walks away ] Wait. Not thank you. I didn’t order-- PUCK [ Appearing out of nowhere. ] Demetrius, right? DEMETRIUS [ Shrill scream. ] Oh my god. Don’t do that. You’re the… Drizly guy? But I didn’t order any-- Hold on. How do you know my name? Do I know you? PUCK I come bearing booze! [ leans in to whisper...right at the mic ] About last time I was here...I want to make it up to you. DEMETRIUS You were here before? PUCK You're my favorite, you know. DEMETRIUS I am? Your favorite what? PUCK You've always been my favorite, and I wanted to make it up to you. DEMETRIUS Make what up to me? I'm sorry, who are you? PUCK I'm a basketcase! DEMETRIUS Oh...Oh! Helena in a Hand-- Got it! Basketcase! Wait. What are you making up to me? PUCK I've been listening? DEMETRIUS [ looks over his shoulder ] Ah. I mean. It's not like it's your fault. PUCK [ angelic ] Nothing is ever my fault. DEMETRIUS Yeah, that's. What I said. PUCK Anyway, I brought this for you. Oatmeal stout, right? Your favorite? DEMETRIUS How did you-- PUCK I listen to the show! DEMETRIUS I haven’t really talked about my alcohol preferences on air. Have I? PUCK Of course, why wouldn't you! So this is for you, on me! DEMETRIUS You brought me free booze? PUCK Free as a bird. DEMETRIUS Um. [ We hear the bickering a little louder in the background as Demetrius turns toward them and thinks about it. Then he turns back. ] DEMETRIUS Give it to me. [ pops open a beer can and takes an audible swig ] Ah, thanks man. I owe you one. PUCK Anything for my favorite. Enjoy! HERMIA [ suddenly close ] Demi, settle something for us? DEMETRIUS [ turns to her startled ] Oh h-hey, Hermia! [ oh no she's hot ] Hey! Um, when did you... [ awkward chuckle ] Heyyy. You look incredible. No wonder you’re an inspiration. “It is not night when I do see your face, Therefore I think I am not in the night; Nor doth this... quarantine...lack worlds of company, For you in my respect are all the world: Then how can it be said I am alone, When all the world is here to look on me?” Scene Two [ Long, extremely pregnant pause followed by a single, high, off-key guitar note. ] OBERON Unbelievable. PUCK Is it, though? TITANIA You know what, that’s fair. This is a lot of things, but “unexpected” is not one of them. Why do you keep letting him help? OBERON [ Audible air quotes ] Help. PUCK Hey, I really did help this time! You wanted me to whammy Demetrius, I whammied Demetrius! OBERON You were supposed to make him fall in love with HELENA! PUCK Isn’t he already in love with Helena? OBERON Stop pretending you don’t know what I mean! You were supposed to help them get together! PUCK I don’t recall you specifying that. You of all people should know that the fae follow the letter of the request, not the spirit. Aren’t you our king, technically? OBERON You have not followed the letter of my request. I said I wanted Helena to be happy. She’s been upset all day! PUCK You requested that Demetrius got a love potion. You hoped that Demetrius getting a love potion would make Helena happy. I’m not responsible for the fact that it made her miserable. TITANIA She has been miserable. Which has been a lot of food. [ guitar, considering ] OBERON A lot of bad food. PUCK Oh, come on, this might be good! This is exactly what Helena wanted! Demetrius is in love with Hermia! This should be making her happy -- but it’s not! Right now she’s probably holed up in her room, wondering why that is. The drama! The heartache! The realizations on the horizon! It’s immaculate! It’s straight out of Friends ! OBERON Friends is a bad show! I’m not spending this whole quarantine feeding off of Friends ! [ Snarky guitar ] TITANIA [ snide ] Nobody likes a picky eater. OBERON You -- stop that, you’re mad at Puck too. PUCK What? No she’s not. TITANIA No, I am. PUCK Alright, worth a shot. TITANIA I’m mad at Puck for being a little shit, but come on. How old are you, complaining about your food? OBERON I see. Yesterday I’m too old, and now I’m a baby. TITANIA [ smug cool riffing ] You said it, not me. All I’m saying is that you’ve been around for millennia. Surely you can afford to expand your palette a little. OBERON I’ve already tried everything I needed to try. My palette is fine. PUCK Look, I’ll fix it, okay? You just need to be specific with what you want, and I’ll get it done. OBERON I want -- TITANIA Woah, hold on. We’re not even at the end of the episode yet. OBERON What, do you think this is going to resolve itself in the next [ pause, Oberon checks the time on the episode ] twenty-six minutes? TITANIA I think that mortals are delicate and their emotions are complicated, and you should gather all the information before you send Puck hammering about like the blunt instrument he is. OBERON Ugh. Fine. But this conversation is not over. PUCK [ Chipper ] Of course not! Why would either of you ever let a conversation end? [ Click of the play button ] Scene Three INT. MORTALS'...…

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Episode 3: Two at Once Will Woo One 28:33

för 4 years sedan28:33

28:33

Puck brings the mortals a special delivery. To read the full script of this episode, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out faustiannonsense.com. To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense. Episode Three: Two at Once Will Woo One Cast (In Order of Appearance) Puck -- JOE CRUZ Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER Helena -- AMELIA KINCH Demetrius -- TONY WOODS Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM Scene One The Mortals’ podcast [Helena in a Handbasket opening] HELENA Hey everybody, welcome back to Helena in a Handbasket. Unfortunately our wifi is suffering under the strain of… unexpected guests. So no more live shows until we can upgrade the router. Or something. Demetrius seemed to know what he was talking about. LYSANDER Are we out of milk? HELENA There is no ‘we!’ You don’t live here! LYSANDER Of course I don’t live here. You think I would be caught dead living in Brooklyn? An artist in Brooklyn. Please! What a played out stereotype. Next you’ll be suggesting a dingy apartment near the Moulin Rouge. Shall I put the absinthe on your bill? HELENA And yet. Here you are. In my room--in Manhattan, I might add--asking if ‘we’ are out of milk. HERMIA [ From a distance ] Hel, are you yelling at Lysander? HELENA Ugh. [ Shouting ] No! [ Hermia enters Helena’s room ] HERMIA Hel, don’t be mean. You promised. Remember? HELENA What I remember is you telling me that I didn’t need to worry about Lysander moving in as well. It’s a two bedroom apartment! And they’re not big rooms! We can’t have four people--! HERMIA Oh my god, can you chill? He just sprained something from moving the couch. HELENA And what was it he sprained again? LYSANDER/HERMIA [ SIMULTANEOUSLY ] Ankle./Shoulder. ….Shoulder?/...Ankle? LYSANDER My shoulder AND my ankle. I can barely limp to the kitchen for coffee... [ LYSANDER limps away ] HERMIA The point is that he’s injured and shouldn’t be driving all alone like that! It’s not safe, Hel. HELENA [ Back to talking to her audience ] As you may remember listeners, Hermia has moved in with me for the time being! Not many people know this, but we actually grew up together. Long before Hermia was a famous instagram influencer, she had pigtail braids and braces! HERMIA Oh my god, stop. HELENA Oh, come on, it was cute! We were kids! HERMIA Helena had headgear. HELENA It’s true. My mom tried to make me feel better about it and told me that it was my halo. Do you remember that? HERMIA I remember you announcing it at a high school cast party. HELENA Turns out folks, when you topple face first onto pavement while wearing headgear, the springy wire thing kinda bounces your whole skull off the ground for a second. HERMIA [ Laughing ] And that’s why everyone called you Bobble Head after that. HELENA Joke’s on them. Now I get paid to have people laugh at my life. HERMIA You’re the inspiration of the ages, Hel. [ Beat ] We do need to talk, though. HELENA Jeez, way to give a gal a heart attack! Why would you say that? HERMIA Reality shows are all about intense stakes and high drama! I’m boosting your ratings. HELENA That’s not how podcasts-- HERMIA Hel! I’m serious. I do want to talk with you about this. HELENA About what? HERMIA About Demetrius. [ Someone audibly presses pause .] OBERON What? What’s with the gesturing? TITANIA See? I told you! Oh, this is gonna be interesting! These four young, hormonal mortals in a tiny apartment in lockdown? It’s already getting fun! OBERON Well yes, we’ll be getting some good emotions. Helena’s oldest friend is here to help her chase love! TITANIA That’s what you think is going to happen here? OBERON Well, yes. TITANIA If you’re so confident, why did you “help”? OBERON Don’t sound so...sarcastic! I did! I helped things along! PUCK Ahem. OBERON Puck helped things along on my behalf. TITANIA Oh, my love. Only you would expect magical interference to lead to a successful, monogamous relationship. OBERON Well excuse me for trying to be supportive. Maintain our food source. You were all upset I put everything into a few of my best loaves, and afraid that there’d be nothing left since Helena and Demetrius can’t see their feelings. But since I am kind and generous-- TITANIA And so humble. OBERON --I decided to soothe your worries. Just you wait, darling. Things will be made better. TITANIA [ Amused ] I forget sometimes how cute you are when you’re in way over your head. OBERON Hey! There’s no need for-- TITANIA This was why we always delegated tasks, darling. You’re wonderful at luring people into the unknown, applying the wrath of our court, doling out just desserts. But understanding the actual intricacies of human relationships? You couldn’t tell the difference between a healthy community of humans and a healthy community of gerbils. OBERON Oh please. How hard can it be? You just schmooze all the time. They aren’t complicated creatures. They’re hungry, horny, and sleepy. That’s it. Everything else is a means to serve those ends. [ TITANIA laughs ] What? TITANIA No, no, it’s fine! Really! I mean, I’m sure you fucked up on astronomical levels, but it can ultimately serve our needs. Love comes in many flavors. Frustration, pining, longing, desiring… OBERON Fancy ways of saying horny. TITANIA I’m surprised you’re so derisive. After all, if your plan to manipulate Helena and Demetrius’ emotions succeeds, the reward will be a whole color palette of different loves from them. Of course, the odds of success are low, so I’ll probably have to rectify things tomorrow. PUCK So--? TITANIA You’ll be running the errand, yes Puck. PUCK That tracks. [ Beat ] TITANIA What are you waiting for? Hit play! PUCK So… As long as Helena and Demetrius are affected, things are fine? TITANIA So long as it’s their emotions for each other that are being toyed with, yes. PUCK Right. Right, yeah. Sure. I’m sure it’s fine. OBERON ...Puck? What did you do? PUCK Nothing! [ Beat ] Probably nothing. [ They hit PLAY ] HELENA You want to talk about Demetrius? Good! I hoped you guys would get along. HERMIA I know, but-- HELENA No, listen. I know I’ve been pushy about it, but to be honest, you two are the most important people in my life, Hermia. I know you just think I’m being mean about Lysander, but he really worries me! And it’s not the alleged open relationship thing, so stop calling me closed minded. Drugs, though? What if he got busted? What if his art never really sells? What if he never ends up carrying his weight and it’s on you to support you both forever? LYSANDER [ From the living room ] Girl talk is important, but walls are thin. HELENA [ Vicious ] Good. You keep promising Hermia a decadent life, but from what I can tell, she takes care of you! LYSANDER What, so the man should provide? Helena you really ought to examine some of your internalized misogyny-- HELENA No! That’s not what I’m saying! I’m saying you’re promising things you can’t deliver on and I don’t want my best friend to get hurt! HERMIA Aw, Hel. You don’t have to worry about that. LYSANDER [ He bumps the door open and limps in dramatically ] Is that what all your acidity is about? Promises? HELENA [ Uncomfortable with the scrutiny ] Why are you saying that like it’s unreasonable? You shouldn’t tell bald faced lies to your girlfriend! LYSANDER Don’t you dare. HERMIA Helena! We do not use the B-word! It’s like you’ve never even heard of tempting fate! HELENA B-word…? Oh my god. B-- LYSANDER Don’t. HELENA Buh-- LYSANDER Stop it! HELENA Bal-- LYSANDER You are a cruel woman, Helena! HELENA Bald! LYSANDER I can’t take all this toxicity. Hermia, my goddess, I will be locked in the pantry placing our lunch orders. HERMIA Aw, babe no! Don’t let her bully you. There’s no trace of it in your family, there’s no reason to worry-- LYSANDER I will return with your wonton soup, my love. Or not at all. HELENA Hey baldy-bald-bald, do you want my order too, or--? [ Her bedroom door slams shut ] Yeah. I probably earned that. HERMIA Probably? Hel, you’ve been awful to him. [ BEAT ] HELENA It really doesn’t bother you? He’s never going to be able to build you your own venetian canals, or paint your house with flowers, or whatever nonsense he’s always spouting. It’s not realistic and you just buy it hook line and sinker, just like with past boyfriends, and then you always get hurt! I was always there to help you pick up the pieces--and I always will be!--but it hurts my heart to see you so heartbroken. You deserve real, honest love,...…

1
Episode 2: Serpent's Tongue 26:03

för 4 years sedan26:03

26:03

The fae tune in to Helena in a Handbasket to see who'll win their bet--will Lysander move in along with Hermia? To read the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm To learn more about the Faustian Nonsense network, check out our website at faustiannonsense.com. To contribute to our Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense Episode Two: Serpent’s Tongue Cast (In Order of Appearance) Puck -- JOE CRUZ Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER Helena -- AMELIA KINCH Demetrius -- TONY WOODS Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM Scene One INT. PENTHOUSE TITANIA How long before it's live? OBERON Oh my dear, did something happen to your watch? Or your eyesight, to read the clock in the kitchen? TITANIA No. I merely assumed you'd be checking their status on social media every 45 seconds. Am I wrong? OBERON It's about five minutes less than last time you asked me. PUCK She's not wrong, then. OBERON And you, my dear? Are you not watching the road for the moving truck? TITANIA I am not, no. [ Guitar tuning ] I simply prefer to tune my guitar here, and this chair happens to be next to the window. PUCK Of course, you wanted the spot with the worst possible acoustics. [ Annoyed guitar tuning ] TITANIA And you, my love? Was that your way of asking if I've seen the moving truck yet? OBERON [ Starts to answer but Titania plays a guitar riff as soon as he does ] I'm merely-- [ Guitar ] Titania-- [ Guitar, louder ] Well, it's understandable that we both want to know the results of our wager! [ She lets him finish that sentence ] Especially since I'm going to--(win) [ Longest guitar riff ] PUCK [ giggles ] Hey, is that them? TITANIA That's an ice cream truck. PUCK You don't know what Lysander drives. TITANIA He doesn't drive at all, according to my friend Cobweb. OBERON I'm sorry, what? Cobweb? TITANIA Yes? OBERON Lysander's been communing with a muse friend of yours and you're just now mentioning this? TITANIA I have, in fact, mentioned it before. It's hardly my fault your memory is fading with age. OBERON My memory is not-- Hey! We made a bet, and you have inside information? TITANIA [ patient and smug ] We all have inside information, we've been listening to their conversations live on air. OBERON You know what I mean! It's hardly a fair wager, if you have information I don’t. TITANIA [ Dropping smugness for a moment ] Oh, relax. All I’ve learned from Cobweb is that he’s flighty and “ethically slutty”, which you should have been able to figure out on your own. [ Smugness back! ] But my dear, if you fear losing to me, you need only say. We can come up with some...forfeit. OBERON [ Sputters ] I'm NOT saying any such thing! I'm just saying... [ Doesn't know what he's saying ] I'm just saying the odds should be adjusted, and my winnings increased when Lysander doesn't move in after all. TITANIA The wager has been made. Robin, dearest, what do you think? PUCK In a way, you're both right. OBERON What? PUCK She did tell you, Oberon. About Cobweb. And you shook on the wager. OBERON Whose side are you on? PUCK But really, Titania, what would it hurt to promise more? If you're so sure of yourself? [ Threatening riff. ] PUCK [ amused ] Oh hey, looks like it's going live! Scene Two Setting: Mortals’ apartment. HELENA Goooood morning listeners! Today’s the day! It’s move-in day! DEMETRIUS Whoa, hey, watch the ladder! HELENA Sorry, sorry! Are the streamers too much? Here, take the tape. DEMETRIUS Thanks. And no, not ‘too much’, so much as uhm… HELENA What? What is it? DEMETRIUS Streamers are pretty visual. As are the balloons. And banners. And confetti rigs. HELENA So? It’s been five years since I’ve seen Hermia in person, and I’ve known her since we were both 14! I want it to be a big occasion. Therefore, our audience should know we’re celebrating! DEMETRIUS No, sure, yeah, that makes sense. But… But we’re broadcasting audio only, right? HELENA Right. DEMETRIUS So… [beat, as Demetrius realizes Helena is not following] Y’know what, never mind! I’m sure it’ll make the occasion feel extra special. HELENA Exactly! Plus, when she sees this dashing man putting up banners? She’ll be all over you. C’mere I’m going to roll up your sleeves. There, better. You’ll want to flex a little bit. Carrying textbooks everywhere paid off! Show her you’re not some nerd! DEMETRIUS I feel objectified. HELENA Dimi, you trust me, right? DEMETRIUS With all my heart. HELENA Then trust me . Now, for conversation topics, you can check the chart I made for you. It’s in your email. Otherwise, just remember that she’s all about modern art, art history, human history-- DEMETRIUS And she has a boyfriend. HELENA That’s the best part! DEMETRIUS Is it? HELENA Lysander isn’t moving in. Only Hermia is! And you know what they say: out of sight, out of mind… DEMETRIUS [ Protesting weakly ] Or that absence makes the heart grow fonder. HELENA Trust me, there’s no way this thing with Lysander lasts. Here, move, you’re putting it up crooked. DEMETRIUS Okay, okay! Just hold on, let me steady the ladder. Take it easy-- HELENA She told me he was getting into huffing turpentine, Dimi. DEMETRIUS Ew. HELENA Right? [ Beat ] Oh. Oh no. DEMETRIUS What? What is it? Are you dizzy? HELENA Visual. The streamers and everything. They’re all visual. Shit. [ DEMETRIUS laughs. ] We can’t even play the playlist I made! Dimi, this is a disaster! DEMETRIUS What? Why not? HELENA Copyright! DEMETRIUS Oh. Yeah, that’ll do it. HELENA Okay, listeners. Hermia is going to be here any minute now and I know you can’t see it all but-- DEMETRIUS Hel is up a ladder, balanced on top of the ottoman , taping a string of teal paper flowers to the ceiling. While juggling the microphone. It’s extremely unsteady. HELENA It’s cute! And you’ll just have to pretend you can see it all, okay? I’ll take pictures and upload them later. Dimi, take pictures. DEMETRIUS You could not pay me to let go of this ladder. You’d die. HELENA Demetrius, I spent $56.79 on these decorations, and they are going to pay off in audience satisfaction. Then you and Hermia will fall in love. Then Lysander will be out of my life forever. So go get your ancient camera and-- DEMETRIUS Okay, okay! I still think this is a bad idea. [ Gets softer as he moves away ] HELENA [ Mostly to herself ] I know you do. But if you had your way, you’d never meet anyone even without quarantine going on. And I know you’re lonely. I can see when you’re sad. You’re too good of a catch to stay lonely. [ Aloud proper again ] So that’s not going to happen. Not on my watch. Not to my best friend. DEMETRIUS Are you threatening the listeners? HELENA Maybe. No comment. DEMETRIUS Uh-huh. Okay, so what am I taking pictures of? HELENA All of it! You’re about to meet your future wife, Demetrius. Get a little sentimental! It won’t kill you. DEMETRIUS [ Sputtering ] My what? HELENA Don’t be a baby-- oh! Ah! [ She starts falling ] DEMETRIUS Hel? Hel, look out! Shit! [ He drops the camera and there’s a crunching noise, but he rushes forward to catch Helena in his arms ] I’ve got you. HELENA Oh! [ Beat ] Hah. Um. Thank you. For catching me. DEMETRIUS [ A little breathless ] Anytime. HELENA You should really see this, listeners. He’s got me in his arms bridal style, like I weigh nothing. It’s super dashing. Bonafide prince charming here. DEMETRIUS [ Laughs ] You think so? HELENA Yeah. I do. [ Beat ] Which is why Hermia is going to just adore you! DEMETRIUS Ah. [ Sets her down ] Oh. The camera broke. HELENA Shit, it did? I guess description is all you guys are getting, then. I’ve gotten a bunch of stuff, y’know? [ She moves around and touches the stuff she’s talking about. ] The most important part is that we’ve rigged up like ten confetti poppers to go off when the door opens. It’s going to be a mess of shimmery green glitter. The closest I could get to glitter cannons! That way her entrance has a real pop, eh? Get...…

1
Episode 1: An Honest Puck 40:05

för 4 years sedan40:05

40:05

In which Puck prepares to meddle, Hermia plans to move in, and Oberon and Titania make a wager. For the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm For more Faustian Nonsense shows, or info about the network, check out faustiannonsense.com. To contribute to the FN Patreon, go to patreon.com/faustiannonsense. Episode One: An Honest Puck Cast (In Order of Appearance) Puck -- JOE CRUZ Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER Helena -- AMELIA KINCH Demetrius -- TONY WOODS Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM Scene One Setting: Puck, Oberon, and Titania’s penthouse apartment in Manhattan. PUCK [ Directly to mic/audience ] Hey Mustardseed, Musty darling! Thanks for agreeing to edit this together for me! I mean, you haven’t agreed yet, but I know you’d never refuse me--so thanks! [ Chuckles to himself ] It is for a good cause. The best cause, really. You know how nice our place is, right? I mean, it’s a penthouse in Manhattan, so obviously it’s gorgeous. And you were here for that Halloween party, right? I remember you commenting on the gas stove. Something something plumbing renovations in New York are a nightmare, something. It was super boring but you seemed into it! And you know I support your boring interests heart and soul, Musty. But did you know, it’s also rent controlled ? We’ve been here for, what, fifty years? Oberon was in a deep cut v-neck and platform shoes when we moved in, so it’s been a hot minute. So, rent controlled. Started in the 70s. You do the math. Tally it up in your head. Got it? Ready? Cut it in half, Musty. Titania was on a streak, all about ‘charming humans out of their wits for fun and profit, not to mention style .’ I’m pretty sure the documents have a bit of the landlord’s drool preserved in the paper. Horrific, but hey. Now Puck, you say, it sounds like things are great! What could you possibly need my help for? Well, it’s Oberon and Titania. You know how they are. No sense of respect for things! Remember that time Obie smashed Jimmy Hendrix’s guitar after Tiddy slept with him? They scold me, “so materialistic, Puck!” Meanwhile they’re leaving Dior this and Gucci that on the floor for the cat to nest in. So you see, if I leave them to it, they’ll destroy this beautiful, beautiful oasis in their next knockdown, blow-out break up. It would honestly be a sin. It’d be a literal crime. But me? I would cherish this place, Musty. I would treat her like the lady she is. So what I’m doing--what we’re doing, sorry darling--is saving the day, if you think about it. We’re going to get this baby the parent she deserves. Someone committed, someone clever, someone handsome - that’s right! Good ol’ Puck. Mr. Robin Goodfellow. Me. Oh, and you! Of course. Whenever you get time away from throwing pollen about or whatever it is you do these days. And all I need is a teensy tiny favor... [ Pause to appreciate his genius, get smug ] When Oberon and Titania pack up and leave in a whirlwind of drama, we just need evidence to show that they left. Then once they’re gone to weep crocodile tears at the JW Marriott or wherever, I’ll have the rights as the Sole. Renter . And it’s only a matter of time. They’re overdue, actually, it’s been a month longer than their longest streak without a split. We only have to fool the human courts. They’re always on and on about this “evidence” crap. So I figure, I’ll record Tiddybell and Obie-Ron until I have what we need. And then you’ll put it together to paint a lovely picture of two people breaking up...with their penthouse. [ Chuckles ] Oop, shh! Here comes Obie. The show’s starting. Scene Two Setting: Puck, Oberon, and Titania’s penthouse apartment in Manhattan. [ A door opens and closes as OBERON comes into the room. Room doors opening and closing. Kitchen clattering sounds as OBERON gets ready to bake. ] PUCK Baking? Already? OBERON Puck! Hey! I didn’t realize you were home! PUCK Don’t we have four loaves in the freezer already--? OBERON It goes fast with Titania around. PUCK Isn’t she on a no-carb diet? OBERON [ Fake innocently ] Oh, is she? That would be so tragic then, if I had a freshly baked loaf out and ready to be cut when she finishes recording. PUCK [ Flatly ] What’d she do this time? OBERON You mean aside from collaborating with thirty other ASMRtists? After insisting she preferred to “keep her brand a solo thing” when I asked? PUCK Yikes. OBERON Mmhm. I saw her @’ing and cosying up to the whole community on Twitter. It’s like she actually wants to hang out with the humans. We eat them, Puck. It’s gross. PUCK [ Solemnly ] Revolting. But you’re not going to really put human ...bits… in the bread, are you? OBERON What? Ew. No. Just emotions. PUCK But we’re stuck in the apartment, so the only source of emotions is… [ Realizing gasp ] Oh, you’re bad. OBERON I mean, the timing is perfect. She’ll be going live as we speak. PUCK [ sighs ] Ah, young people nowadays and their artificial sounds of pleasantry. I remember a time when the greatest aural pleasures could be derived from such simplicity as wind through lush foliage, the soft babbling of a sparkling brook...And the shrieks of the villagers as they awaken to find I’ve turned their children into Mongooses… [ questioning voice ] Mongoose? Mongeeses? Oberon? OBERON What? PUCK Mongeeses? OBERON I don’t know! [ Turns on a speaker, connects his phone to play a podcast ] Honestly, we’re lucky we live where we do. There are only so many places with neighbors that broadcast their feelings over the internet. [ Turns on Helena in a Handbasket, intro starting live ] PUCK [ Talking over the Podcast intro ] What’s it called again? I can never remember. OBERON [ Lowers the volume ] What? PUCK What’s the title? I can never remember. OBERON If you listened to the opening, you’d know it was Helena in a Handbasket. [ Unpauses it ] PUCK [ Talks over it again ] Helena Handbasket? OBERON [ Pauses it again, getting annoyed ] Helena in a Handbasket. Are you done? PUCK I could be. OBERON I’m trying to listen. Come on, they don’t have live episodes that often. I can’t concentrate on her and you at the same time, and you know that the bread is best when I know in real time what I’m absorbing. If you have anything else to say, say it now before I unmute it. PUCK Like what? OBERON I don’t know! You ask so many stupid questions. PUCK It’s not my fault Dmitri is so hard to follow. OBERON Demetrius. PUCK Oh right, and that’s her brother? OBERON No! They’re roommates! PUCK Oh my god they were roommates. OBERON [ Long breath in and sigh. Mentally counts to ten. ] PUCK What’s the point of this show, anyway? OBERON It’s just a reality show, an experiment that got popular. She records her life, and her network, Fair Athens, releases it. And no, I’m not a fan, it’s just a really convenient way to feed on their emotions. PUCK Exactly what is it about self-quarantining that makes for such fascinating listening? Such emotional energy? OBERON Come on, you know what fools these mortals be. It’s always drama. Demetrius has it bad for Helena, she likes him back, and she hasn’t noticed either of these things, even though it’s painfully obvious. It’s a classic will-they/won’t they sort of deal. PUCK I remember a 16th Century Duke and Lady that was like that. All pretty favors and glancing looks. Oh! The chatter of the Aristocracy about them was famous at the time! Too bad I turned ‘em all into cats. OBERON Good gods Puck...No, this is a more modern...Less Hexen love story. It’s more akin to-- PUCK Ross and Rachel? OBERON [ surprised ] Yes! Except neither of them are insufferable. But that tension, that obliviousness, the aching… It makes a good show. Fair Athens really struck gold on this. And for us, it’s really convenient. PUCK Because of the food thing? OBERON Right! Obviously. A steady, reliable diet. Any more questions? Because I’m going to turn it back on and bake the damn bread if not. PUCK One more question: do the other bakers on your forum think that using magic on your bread is cheating? OBERON [ Loud sigh ] Last chance. If you interrupt, I’ll strangle you. [ long pause as he waits for Puck to annoy him again ] I’m turning it back on in three… Two… One… [ Oberon turns it back on ] PUCK I’ll be silent as a mouse. [ Clatter of dishware being thrown at Puck thrown dish, and Puck’s laughter. The fae’s home sounds slowly fade out ] --- Listener tunes in to Helena in a Handbasket with them --- Scene Three Setting: Puck, Oberon, and Titania’s penthouse apartment in Manhattan. HELENA [ She’s in the middle of talking ] --third complaint from the building about Demetrius’s roof-garden beekeeping. If he doesn’t control it better they’re gonna make him remove it, and I don’t know what happens to the bees when you do that… With my luck we’ll end up with a beehive in our closet. So, I’m gonna have to argue with the management company again. Riveting listening, eh folks? [ sigh ] It’s just that I could do so much more than this. I’m more than this, you know? I sent auditions to a bunch of audio dramas, and zilch, nada, nothing. And I haven’t finished off my own scripts yet, so… I’m stuck with a stupid reality show. N-Not that reality shows are stupid! Oh, god, please don’t be offended. I’m going to be a real scriptwriter someday, is all I’m saying. You know I love you all. This show is like doing diary entries, except your diary talks back to you and--yep, right on time. Requests nudes in the live chat. I can always count on you, earperv1972. [ DEMETRIUS knocks ] Come in! Hi, what’s up? DEMETRIUS Oh, you’re recording! I can come back-- HELENA No, no, it’s fine! It’s good when you’re here. I mean, listeners keep commenting that it’s good when you’re here. With me. When I’m recording. That sounded way creepier than I meant it to. DEMETRIUS [ laughs fondly ] Well, sure. Anything for earperv1972. HELENA I mean, you’ll get a cut of ad revenue as always! It’s only fair. DEMETRIUS That’s not-- HELENA Why am I so nervous all of a sudden? Oh. Wait, you want to talk about something private? You do, don’t you. Oh man, and here I’ve basically given you the least discrete introduction ever. I can pause recording for a second, hold on. I’m such an ass-- DEMETRIUS No, no! It’s fine! Really, nothing scandalous. I was just ordering some lunch, was in the mood for a sandwich. HELENA McBeth’s? DEMETRIUS…

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Amazon Basics Dog Poop Leak Proof Bags with Dispenser and Leash Clip, Unscented, 300 Count, 20 Pack of 15, Black, 13 x 9 Inch

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A Midsummer's Quarantine explicit

A Midsummer's Quarantine explicit

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HP 67XL Black High-yield Ink Cartridge | Works with HP DeskJet 1255, 2700, 4100 Series, HP ENVY 6000, 6400 Series | Eligible for Instant Ink | One Size | 3YM57AN

Command 20 lb XL Heavyweight Picture Hanging Strips 16 Pairs (32 Command Strips), Damage Free Hanging Picture Hangers, Heavy Duty Wall Hanging Strips for Home Decor, White Adhesive Strips

BYUtv

Scotch Heavy Duty Shipping Packing Tape, Clear, Holiday Shipping Supplies, 1.88 in. x 22.2 yd., 6 Tape Rolls with Dispensers

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