On the 19th of February, 1911, in the Valorian Socialist Republic, an assistant tailor named Colette Geise experienced a migraine that ruined her life. This is a historical account of what happened next. THE KINGMAKER HISTORIES is a steampunk weird fiction podcast about being gay and doing crime, brought to you by the freaks who brought you Less Is Morgue.
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It’s a big gay world out there, come join us as we try to get through it
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In 1932, Australia declared war on a bird. In 1958, Ford Motors manufactured a car that nobody asked for. In 2003, Bravo produced a "Gay Bachelor" series using straight men. And in 2018, they all ended up on a podcast that two guys made in their tiny Los Angeles apartment. And they all failed happily ever after. Ready, Set, Fail! is a new comedy podcast from Beau Rawlins and Will Lentz about the wildest endeavors and their unfortunate, yet inevitable failure. From a simple kids game turned p ...
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Chapter Twenty-Three - The Road to Bad Spukberg
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A storm forces the gang to take refuge in a castle with a rich, sexy family whose members definitely, probably, don’t drink blood. Content Warnings: animal death (24:26-24:37) Transcript Link Written by Lou Sutcliffe Cast in order of appearance: David Ault - The Historian Taqi Nazeer - Eisen Josh Rubino - Telesphore Blythe Renay - Colette Zuwie Lef…
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Chapter Twenty-Two- Fenetre L'Esprit
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Colette hasn’t been herself lately. Content Warnings: unreality, gore (1:29-1:31) (14:16-14:28), threat of self harm (15:42-14:46), body horror (19:56-20:03), choking (29:28-29:43) Transcript Link Written by Addison Peacock Cast in order of appearance: David Ault - The Historian Addison Peacock - Ariadne Richie Ammons- Babyface John Blythe Renay - …
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Chapter Twenty-One- Operation Tiebreaker
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Unfortunately, the Kingmaker is no longer just the VSR's problem. Content Warnings: Eating/slurping noises (1:59 - 2:13), body horror/gore (4:22 - 5:14), discussion of animal death (31:14 - 31:55) Transcript Link Written by Meg Molloy Tuten. Exec. produced by Henry Galley and Ashlee Craft. Cast in order of appearance: David Ault - The Historian and…
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Transcript Link Featuring: unruly cats, very creative swearing, Star Wars references, actors wishing harm on the showrunner, and a handy mnemonic for remembering that you are far-sighted. Music by Odd ChapAv Meg Molloy Tuten
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Appendix vi - Maxim Moretz's Guide to Business
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Maxim Moretz and his nephew, Dieter, give you tips on how to run a wholesome, ethical, and legitimate family business. Content Warning: violence against children (1:06-1:08), unreality (1:23-1:29), suicide mention (2:20-2:25) (3:00-3:05) Transcript Link Written by Henry Galley Cast in order of appearance- Graham Rowat - Moretz Zuwie Lefou - Dieter …
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Appendix v - Eisen Iyer Changes Your Car Tyre
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Eisen explains how to change a tyre, or something to that effect. Transcript Link Written by Meg Molloy Tuten. With Taqi Nazeer as Eisen. Socials: Twitter Bluesky Youtube Patreon InstagramAv We Are Not Alive
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Appendix iv - Ariadne Culver's Guide to Being Woman in the Workplace
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Learn the secrets of feminine success from the VSR's premier fleshcrafter. Though, you might not live to implement her advice. Content Warning: mentions of animal abuse (2:41-2:46), gore (3:49-4:20) Transcript Link Written and performed by Addison Peacock. Socials: Twitter Bluesky Youtube Patreon Instagram…
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Appendix iii - Telesphore Winterlich's Perfect Cup of Coffee
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Enjoy a hot coffee, the Winterlich way. Transcript Link Written by Meg Molloy Tuten. With Josh Rubino as Telesphore. Socials: Twitter Bluesky Youtube Patreon InstagramAv We Are Not Alive
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Appendix ii - Klaus Holzmann's Guide to Self-Management
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The supreme commander of the Valorian army gives you some valuable life advice. Content Warning: Gunshots (3:35-3:36) Transcript Link Written by Henry Galley. With Bradley Gareth as Holzmann. The Valorian National Anthem was composed and performed by June Isenhart. Socials: Twitter Bluesky Youtube Patreon Instagram…
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Trouble comes knocking. Content Warnings: Gore, gunshots Transcript Link Written by Charlie Green Cast in order of appearance- David Ault - The Historian Maxadrian Burton - Kruger Bradley Gareth - Holzmann Newton Schottlekotte - Mandel Graham Rowat - Moretz Taqi Nazeer - Eisen Josh Rubino - Telesphore Blythe Renay - Colette Lucas Martinez - Lando T…
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Chapter Nineteen - Birthday Presents
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Maxim Moretz gives Iyer, Winterlich and Co. their most perilous mission yet- attending his nephew’s birthday party. Transcript Link Written by Meg Molloy Tuten Cast in order of appearance- David Ault - The Historian Taqi Nazeer - Eisen Misha Bakshi - Nikita Josh Rubino - Telesphore Blythe Renay - Colette Zuwie Lefou - Dieter Graham Rowat - Moretz M…
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The gang get lost in the Seltsamwald, where they aren't quite as alone as they thought. Content Warning: Gunshots, kidnapping, unpleasant eating noises (23:52-24:08) Transcript Link Written by Meg Molloy Tuten Cast in order of appearance- David Ault - The Historian Blythe Renay - Colette Taqi Nazeer - Eisen Josh Rubino - Telesphore Rob O'Dwyer - Fa…
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Chapter Seventeen - Cutting the Mustard
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The gang go to Dijon, France to do some industrial sabotage. Content Warning: Vomit (21:52-22:12) Transcript Link Written by Gus Zagarella Cast in order of appearance- David Ault - The Historian Taqi Nazeer - Eisen Blythe Renay - Colette Josh Rubino - Telesphore Erika Sanderson - Janice Damon Alums - Sebastian Dontae Majors - Garnier Andrew Randall…
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Chapter Sixteen - For the Republic!
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Following Ariadne's apparent death, Leonid deals with his lack of purpose by joining the army. Content Warning: Gunshots, vomit (12:38 - 12:40), gore, body horror Transcript Link Written by Max Kreisky Listen to Diary of Mothman Cast in order of appearance- David Ault - The Historian Zane Schact - Leonid Joe Cliff Thompson - Berger Addison Peacock …
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Transcript link The cast and crew of the Kingmaker Histories answer all of your burning questions. Featuring music from TeknoAXE and Odd Chap Special thanks to the following fans for sending questions: Fawkes, Keiran, The Zucreature of Zulandia, Commissar Mitch, Yami, Newton Green, Julcynea, Lou, Chris of Many Hats, Ethan, Greg with 13 E's…
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Eisen's latest invention leaves the gang very, very far from home. Transcript Link Written by Meg Molloy Tuten. Produced by Rogue Dialogue Productions. Listen to Forgive Me Cast in order of appearance- Blythe Renay - Colette Casey Callaghan - Father Ben Josh Rubino - Telesphore and Father Klem Taqi Nazeer - Eisen Socials: Twitter Bluesky Youtube Pa…
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An unorthodox job offer sends the gang down a rabbit hole through the seediest part of an already very seedy city. Content Warning: Gunshots(27:29-27:37), fire, gore, sexual noises (7:40-8:04), discussion of human trafficking, discussed and implied animal abuse, implied sexual abuse. Transcript Link Written by Henry Galley Cast in order of appearan…
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Chapter Fourteen -Knock Twice for No
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Colette drags the boys to a public seance hosted by the VSR's best spiritualist. Content Warning: Vomit/choking sounds (13:01) Transcript Link Written by Addison Peacock Cast in order of appearance- David Ault - The Historian Blythe Renay - Colette Josh Rubino - Telesphore Taqi Nazeer - Eisen Lisa Sowden - Katerina Additional Voices - Meg Molloy Tu…
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An administrative screw-up leads to one of Eisen's magic artifacts being mistaken for a little girl's dollhouse. Content Warning: Fire Transcript Link Written by Meg Molloy Tuten Cast in order of appearance- David Ault - The Historian BK Dawson - Gottlieb Blythe Renay - Colette Taqi Nazeer - Eisen Josh Rubino - Telesphore Meg Molloy Tuten - Gretche…
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Chapter Twelve - Straightforward Solutions
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While the boys are in jail, Colette deals with problems of her own. Content Warning: Gore Transcript Link Written by Meg Molloy Tuten Cast in order of appearance- David Ault - The Historian Josh Rubino - Rothbart and Telesphore Bradley Gareth - Holzmann Liz Morey - Margot Taqi Nazeer - Eisen Blythe Renay - Colette Newton Schottlekotte - Mandel Rob …
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Chapter Eleven - Nothing Like a Good Prison Riot
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The gang runs into some trouble with the law. Content Warning: Gunshots, gore Transcript Link Written by Meg Molloy Tuten, exec produced by Henry Galley, foley design by Jam Wright, opening theme by Professor Shyguy Cast in Order of Appearance: David Ault - the Historian Graham Rowat - Moretz Josh Rubino - Telesphore Taqi Nazeer - Eisen Blythe Rena…
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The Kingmaker Histories: Season Two Trailer
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An Important Announcement from the Valorian Army, for the Citizens of the VSR. New episodes releasing soon. Transcript Link Written by Meg Molloy Tuten Bradley Gareth - Commander Holzmann David Ault - The Historian The Valorian National Anthem was composed and performed by June Isenhart. The Kingmaker Histories theme was composed and performed by P…
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Chapter Ten - Chateau de Arme Brilliante
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They have a saying in the VSR - "The past doesn't stay where you want it to." Content Warning: Gunshots, explosions, gore. Transcript Link Written by Meg Molloy Tuten Cast in Order of Appearance: David Ault - the Historian Josh Rubino - Telesphore Blythe Renay - Colette Taqi Nazeer - Eisen Will De Renzy Martin - Axel BK Dawson - Gottlieb Kat Walker…
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Chapter Nine - Pink Seagrass Blues
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Fed up in her quest to get the Kingmaker, Ariadne tries a new strategy for getting information- being nice to people. Content Warning: Torture, gore, body horror Transcript Link Written by Max Kreisky Cast in Order of Appearance: David Ault - the Historian Addison Peacock - Ariadne Roscoe Braman - Dr. Giroux Zane Schact - Leonid Erika Sanderson - N…
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Chapter Seven - You’ll Never Want to Leave!
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Telesphore recieves a telegram from some childhood friends who live in a village full of Kehrseite ex-pats. Content warning: Kidnapping Transcript Link Written by Addison Peacock Cast in Order of Appearance: David Ault - the Historian Misha Bakshi - Nikita Josh Rubino - Telesphore Taqi Nazeer - Eisen Blythe Renay - Colette Ryan Hoyle - Alkadies Bon…
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In need of a doctor, the gang find themselves roped into a magical conflict between a man of the cloth and two wild women of the woods. Content warning: Drowning, religious trauma Transcript Link Written by Gus Zagarella Cast in Order of Appearance: David Ault - The Historian Taqi Nazeer - Eisen Josh Rubino - Telesphore Blythe Renay - Colette Rosco…
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Eisen accidentally drops a valuable artifact down the gullet of a giant monster. Written by Meg Molloy Tuten Content warning: Body horror, vomit. Transcript Link Cast in order of appearance- David Ault - The Historian Taqi Nazeer - Eisen Graham Rowat - Moretz Josh Rubino - Telesphore Blythe Renay - Colette Addison Peacock - Daphne Additional voices…
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When the trio are stranded in the middle of nowhere, their search for petrol leads them into a life-or-death situation. Content Warning: Gore, Unreality, Fire, Jump scares Transcript Link Written by Henry Galley Cast in order of appearance- David Ault - The Historian Taqi Nazeer - Eisen Blythe Renay - Colette Josh Rubino - Telesphore Addison Peacoc…
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The gang are trapped in a landscape of illusions by a master mentalist with an axe to grind. Written by Dana Schiewe Content Warning: Unreality, gunshots Transcript Link Cast in order of appearance- David Ault - The Historian Taqi Nazeer - Eisen Blythe Renay - Colette Josh Rubino - Telesphore Addison Peacock - Ariadne Richie Ammons - Babyface John …
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Chapter Two - What the Hell is Blue?
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Eisen conducts a series of highly scientific tests to determine how he can best use the Kingmaker to his advantage. Content Warning: Swearing, gore, animal death Transcript Link Written by Meg Molloy Tuten Cast in order of appearance- David Ault - The Historian Taqi Nazeer - Eisen Blythe Renay - Colette Josh Rubino - Telesphore Jamie Douglas - Maur…
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Chapter One - Happy Konigstodestag!
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Assistant tailor Colette Geise experiences a migraine that destroys her life. Content Warning: Gore, gunshots. Transcript Link Written by Meg Molloy Tuten Cast in order of appearance- David Ault - The Historian Blythe Renay - Colette Erika Sanderson - Ninette Meg Molloy Tuten - Thea Addison Peacock - Ariadne Zane Schact - Leonid Taqi Nazeer - Eisen…
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Prologue - The Fall of Crystal City
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A royal advisor flees the castle on the night of a bloody revolution and finds the world’s best hiding place for the king’s secret doomsday weapon. Content Warning: Childbirth, gunshots Transcript Link Written by Meg Molloy Tuten Cast in order of appearance- David Ault - The Historian Zane Schact - The King Addison Peacock - Ariadne Jeremy Showell …
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The story of a seamstress, a diamond, a witch, two men in a van, and a large amount of invasive alien fauna. KINGMAKER - premiering October 2022. TranscriptAv We Are Not Alive
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Hey! Welcome and we hope you stay. This is just an informational episode so hopefully you like us and we will release our first episode very soon!
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#29 Chinese Finches Boycott The Writers
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In 2008, Television sucked because the Writers Guild went on strike for 100 days and all everyone got out of it was more reality television. Back in 1958, China went through The Great Leap Forward by taking a great push back on the local bird population. In 2018 - they both ended up on the 29th episode of Ready, Set, Fail! Listen, Subscribe, FAIL!…
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#28 The United Fake Girlfriends Of Football
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With the start of the NFL season, we got two football fails for your earholes! First we have the story Notre Dame Linebacker Manti Te'o who went through of a hell of a season when he had a girlfriend that went from to dead to alive to imaginary? And back in the early 80s, the NFL had a competing Football league -- well in reality they were only com…
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#27 Monopoly Piracy Of The Gentleman Kind
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If you've been to McDonald's, you've probably heard of their Monopoly game and never won it, but don't worry it's not your fault! And he wasn't Blackbeard or Jack Sparrow or any other pirate you've heard of - because he was the worst one, The Gentleman Pirate. It's RSF #27! Take a listen, subscribe, rate, FAIL!…
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Before it was made famous in Back to The Future, the DeLorean was a laughing stock in the car business. And early in World War II, a Nazi plot was hatched to infiltrate America and commit terror, it was all going according to plan until it was never going according to plan. Tune in to RSF #26! Subscribe, listen, rate, FAIL!…
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#25 Landslides and Tidal Waves and Demon Cores, Oh My!
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Its a grim week on RSF. We discuss the Deadliest Man-made Natural Disaster that wiped out an entire Italian village in the 1960s. And while it may sound more sinister than its name, the story of the Demon Core is one of grave death and some simple carelessness. RSF #25, listen, rate, subscribe, and stay alive!…
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