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Innehåll tillhandahållet av Letters to my kids: A 2-time suicide survivor and advocate for realistic optimism., Letters to my kids: A 2-time suicide survivor, and Advocate for realistic optimism.. Allt poddinnehåll inklusive avsnitt, grafik och podcastbeskrivningar laddas upp och tillhandahålls direkt av Letters to my kids: A 2-time suicide survivor and advocate for realistic optimism., Letters to my kids: A 2-time suicide survivor, and Advocate for realistic optimism. eller deras podcastplattformspartner. Om du tror att någon använder ditt upphovsrättsskyddade verk utan din tillåtelse kan du följa processen som beskrivs här https://sv.player.fm/legal.
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Squid Game: The Official Podcast
Squid Game is back, and so is Player 456. In the gripping Season 2 premiere, Player 456 returns with a vengeance, leading a covert manhunt for the Recruiter. Hosts Phil Yu and Kiera Please dive into Gi-hun’s transformation from victim to vigilante, the Recruiter’s twisted philosophy on fairness, and the dark experiments that continue to haunt the Squid Game. Plus, we touch on the new characters, the enduring trauma of old ones, and Phil and Kiera go head-to-head in a game of Ddakjji. Finally, our resident mortician, Lauren Bowser is back to drop more truth bombs on all things death. SPOILER ALERT! Make sure you watch Squid Game Season 2 Episode 1 before listening on. Let the new games begin! IG - @SquidGameNetflix X (f.k.a. Twitter) - @SquidGame Check out more from Phil Yu @angryasianman , Kiera Please @kieraplease and Lauren Bowser @thebitchinmortician on IG Listen to more from Netflix Podcasts . Squid Game: The Official Podcast is produced by Netflix and The Mash-Up Americans.…
Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
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Innehåll tillhandahållet av Letters to my kids: A 2-time suicide survivor and advocate for realistic optimism., Letters to my kids: A 2-time suicide survivor, and Advocate for realistic optimism.. Allt poddinnehåll inklusive avsnitt, grafik och podcastbeskrivningar laddas upp och tillhandahålls direkt av Letters to my kids: A 2-time suicide survivor and advocate for realistic optimism., Letters to my kids: A 2-time suicide survivor, and Advocate for realistic optimism. eller deras podcastplattformspartner. Om du tror att någon använder ditt upphovsrättsskyddade verk utan din tillåtelse kan du följa processen som beskrivs här https://sv.player.fm/legal.
Real lessons from a suicide survivor and advice for life. From a 2-time suicide survivor and advocate for realistic optimism
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76 episoder
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Innehåll tillhandahållet av Letters to my kids: A 2-time suicide survivor and advocate for realistic optimism., Letters to my kids: A 2-time suicide survivor, and Advocate for realistic optimism.. Allt poddinnehåll inklusive avsnitt, grafik och podcastbeskrivningar laddas upp och tillhandahålls direkt av Letters to my kids: A 2-time suicide survivor and advocate for realistic optimism., Letters to my kids: A 2-time suicide survivor, and Advocate for realistic optimism. eller deras podcastplattformspartner. Om du tror att någon använder ditt upphovsrättsskyddade verk utan din tillåtelse kan du följa processen som beskrivs här https://sv.player.fm/legal.
Real lessons from a suicide survivor and advice for life. From a 2-time suicide survivor and advocate for realistic optimism
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76 episoder
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 38 - Part 4: working and getting sucked in without considering your future and/or value 11:32
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11:32Episode 38 - Part 4: working and getting sucked in without considering your future and/or value Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License - I asked my boss for a raise but he said I didn't deserve it so I sent him my resignation letter. Now he is asking me to stay with a higher salary. Should I accept his offer? The experts will tell you - never - never - EVER accept a counter-offer. Your resignation has already placed you in the outer circle and you will remain there forever. Just leave. - Want to know the best way to cover this? If you know the company likes you and your work, present them with the following: “You know, over time I’ve received a lot of offers to join other companies. I’m not really interested in any of them. I’m happy here. I like the company, the work, the direction we’re going, and I know the company can’t match some of these offers. I get it. All I’m saying is, my wife and I discuss these things, and she’s aware of the money I could make at these other companies. It’s a lot of pressure. My question is, even if the company can’t match any of those offers, could the company close the gap a little? If not, I totally understand. You’re running a business and will pay me what you think I’m worth. Let me know your thoughts.” - In this, we are appealing to their priorities without threats, resignations, or ultimatums. We are recognizing their priorities while sharing a reality - other companies think I’m worth more. We’re also showing we are committed to the company’s goals - we’re not interested in leaving and we are happy here. We’re also showing a spirit of cooperation in not requiring a “match” - just a bump. "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. " -Eleanor Roosevelt - The first time I said this to a boss, I told him what I was being offered and he whistled. “We can’t match that.” - I said “I know, and like I said, I’m not asking you to. I’m just wondering if you can close the gap a little. If that’s my market value, seems you would want to take a stab at closing the gap. I’m happy here. I’m not interested in leaving.” - Every time I’ve tried this, the boss worked out a raise for me. Life went on and we went on to do a lot of things together. Non-threatening. No destroyed trust. No extortion. Asking for a raise isn’t particularly an art form. You need to think like your boss thinks - what are his priorities, goals objectives "I rebel; therefore I exist. " -Albert Camus…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 38 - Part 3: working and getting sucked in without considering your future and/or value 11:22
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11:22Episode 38 - Part 3: working and getting sucked in without considering your future and/or value Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License - So, what can you do if you are stuck in a dead-end job? “The most important thing is to take responsibility for your job quality and success,” Reynolds says. “Don’t blame a company for your situation. Rather assess honestly, take action and, thoughtfully, purposefully go where you can flourish.” - Here are eight additional tips: Speak up. If you’re in this quagmire and haven’t spoken up, now is a good time. Some employees avoid all challenging communications with their supervisors and could have enjoyed the upward mobility they sought. Know how much effort is worth putting forth; what will be your return on investment? - Create a personal document to examine what can be done, if anything, to improve your current situation. Beware of hastily trading one set of problems for another "Time is a created thing. To say “I don’t have time”, is like saying, “I don’t want to”. -Lao Tzu - Identify a compelling future for yourself and use it as a motivator to take action. A positive impetus is healthier than a resentful one. Better to move towards buying that cool car you’ve always wanted than walk away from the rust-bucket that’s literally been driving you crazy without an alternative. - Continue doing your job well. If you’ve decided to look for a new job, keep doing your best work in your current position. You don’t want to burn bridges, especially if you’ll need good references. - Identify your strengths and weaknesses. Identify the things about your current job that would be useful to take forward into your next move and write down your successes. There are always good points, learning and achievements to draw upon from any situation. Also figure out what you could improve before you start searching for new opportunities. "Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely." -William Faulkner - Gain experience outside of the office. If your dead-end job doesn’t allow you to hone your skills, take a class to advance and develop the ones that will benefit you in the future. Self development is key. Another way to do this: Volunteer during your down time in an effort to further develop your leadership skills and résumé. - Examine the risks that are associated with leaving your dead-end job. Be sure it’s absolutely the right decision before you make any big moves. - Do your homework so that you choose well in your next job. You wouldn’t want to end up in another dead-end position. One way to do this: During job interviews, ask the employer about career development and advancement opportunities. - If you find yourself stuck in your position, try to carve out 30-minutes a day to focus on new goals, ideas and aspirations. Jot down your goals and steps to work towards them. Many people stuck in dead end jobs have started or launched their small businesses on the side. Thirty minutes a day can be found in your commute, waiting in car lines, or traffic. - Getting unstuck from a dead-end job is not about having a positive attitude, but about positive action. Don’t say there is no room for growth. Make new doors and explore new territories. Where there is no upward growth, go for lateral moves. Don’t wait for an acknowledgement; tell them and show them that you deserve better. It’s all about awareness, initiative and positive action.…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 38 - Part 2: working and getting sucked in without considering your future and/or value 12:54
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12:54Episode 38 - Part 2: working and getting sucked in without considering your future and/or value Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License -You’re not being compensated fairly. If you’re made to feel fortunate to receive a paycheck or that you’re being overpaid, those are red flags "A man with outward courage dares to die; a man with inner courage dares to live." -Lao Tzu -A machine can do your job. Your role is becoming obsolete, as the skills required are being replaced by technology. -There’s no praise in sight. No matter what you do, you can’t seem to please. “If you move mountains for the company, the silence that follows is deafening” "We can see through others only when we can see through ourselves." -Bruce Lee…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 38 - Part 1: working and getting sucked in without considering your future and/or value 11:34
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11:34Episode 38 - Part 1: working and getting sucked in without considering your future and/or value Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License - Are you in a job where the only way to move up is to get out? Is your role becoming obsolete, as the skills required are being replaced by technology? Are your colleagues given opportunities that you’re not? If you answered yes to any of the above, there’s a good chance your career has come to a standstill. That’s right; you’re stuck in a dead-end job. "Change your life today. Don't gamble on the future, act now, without delay." -Simone de Beauvoir - Almost everyone experiences this at some point in their career, says Lynn Taylor, a national workplace expert and author of Tame Your Terrible Office Tyrant; How to Manage Childish Boss Behavior and Thrive in Your Job. “It is often difficult at first to discern if you’re in a stagnant position. The realization rarely happens overnight because oftentimes the employee has offered to take on more challenging assignments, but that falls on deaf ears. After hitting enough walls, however, you realize that those efforts and energy could be better placed toward a new job search.” Here are 20 tell-tale signs that you’re stuck in a dead-end job: - Your work offers no change in routine; it’s very mechanical. This is perhaps what you’d be doing five years from now, and your career goals do not align with what you currently do. - If your position feels static and you don’t see a way to earn further responsibilities or get ahead even after offering ideas on the subject, you’re probably in a dead-end job. - Your skills are not being tapped. Your supervisor doesn’t tap into your skills set or go beyond what you’ve been contributing for quite some time. You may have been passed over for promotion – or your requests to take on more challenging projects have been ignored. - They’re not interested in your career goals. You are not being asked about your professional goals or future plans "The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power." -Mary Pickford - They don’t support your career plan. You are asked about your goals and plans, but the boss pays no attention to them or doesn’t support you in reaching them. - You’re subject to unfair treatment. You notice your colleagues are getting opportunities you don’t get, says David Shindler, author of Learning to Leap and founder of social learning site, The Employability Hub. - You’re not challenged. You feel unchallenged by your job, your boss, or your co-workers with no welcome avenue to change things, Reynolds says. - Your thoughts and contributions are not valued. Your voice is no longer heard and your opinions are no longer valued, Shindler adds. - You can’t get time with the boss to move projects forward. Your projects seem to get lost in the abyss. Essentially, you are being ignored out of a job; e-mails go unanswered and you’re lucky if you catch your boss in the restroom. "The best way to predict the future is to create it." -Abraham Lincoln - No change in pay, title or tasks. You have been doing the same work for more than one or two years without a promotion, increase in pay, or increased responsibility. While some people may enjoy working on the same tasks, a tell-tale sign of a dead-end job is employees who are not being offered advancement or new training. - You get that Monday morning feeling nearly every day. What you used to enjoy doing is no longer enjoyable. No enthusiasm to get up and go to work is a sign you’re in a dead-end job. - Attempts to change or improve your job are not welcomed. If you’ve tried reinventing yourself at the company, modifying your job description or proposed a lateral move to no avail, then it’s time to look elsewhere. - Your values and the firm’s values are not aligned. Maybe there are cultural differences; clashes in environmental aspects of its operations; civic responsibility or work ethic issues, et cetera. You’re not an asset to your team or department. You don’t feel like an important part of your team. "To be truly positive in the eyes of some, you have to risk appearing negative in the eyes of others." -Criss Jami - They hire outside talent. You realize that the corporate culture is to bring in outside talent when high-level positions open up, instead of promoting from within - You see favoritism or bias in management practices. If you’re not on their good side, you’ll probably be stuck doing what you are doing without any promotion in sight. - Your employer is sinking. You research and discover your company is not doing well. Profits are stagnant or down. The industry is not growing. Also, if your company is conducting numerous layoffs, and your desk is looking too clean from a lack of projects due to no fault of your own, you might be in a dead-end job.…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 37: Part 5 - Invest in yourself and your brand - who are you, like really? 10:43
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10:43Episode 37: Part 5 - Invest in yourself and your brand - who are you, like really? Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.thebalancesmb.com/creating-and-growing-personal-brand-2295814 - Personal branding is the process of developing a "mark" that is created around your name or your career. You use this "mark" to express and communicate your skills, personality, and values. - Why Personal Brands Are for Everyone. Personal brands should be important to everyone. Personal brands are not only for the entrepreneur that owns their own business. It is the secret sauce that can make you stand out of a stack of resumes. "A brand is the set of expectations, memories, stories and relationships that, taken together, account for a consumer's decision to choose one product or service over another."– Seth Godin - A strong personal brand will impact your ability to get the right jobs, promotions, and increase your ability to attract talent and capital. So, let's look at these tips that can help you in creating your own personal brand: - Build Your Platform. If you are going to have a personal brand, you will need a website to create your virtual platform. Your website should be your name. You will also need social media accounts that represent your brand. You will use these platforms to share your voice. - Identify Your Uniqueness and Your Strengths. Think about the characteristics and strengths you've built in your career. If you are stuck, think about that "one thing" that everyone says you rock at. If you're still stuck, ask others. - Own Your Space. Once you've identified your uniqueness and strengths, perfect them. Learn all that you can and become the expert in that area. You can never stop learning. Read, absorb, and teach. "If you want to be truly successful, invest in yourself to get the knowledge you need to find your unique factor. When you find it and focus on it and persevere your success will blossom." -Sydney Madwed - Share Your Knowledge. It's not enough to learn it; you have to teach it and share your knowledge by helping others. This is where you prove you know your stuff and gain exposure from doing so. - Be Yourself. Find your own style. You don't have to do what everyone else is doing and just follow the crowd. Use your style and uniqueness to attract the jobs and clientele that you desire. Find your own style and create a new set of footprints for others to follow in.? "Personal development is the belief that you are worth the effort, time and energy needed to develop yourself." -Denis Waitley - Identify Your Values and Set Your Priorities. It's important to have a clear picture of your personal and professional goals, both short and long-term. This will help you to not only identify the most important things to spend your time on but will also have something to align new projects with. - Identifying your emotional appeal. What are your personality features? This can be as easy as saying you have a crazy sense of humor or that you are obsessively organized. Take a few moments, why do you think people are attracted to the brand of you? Describing yourself. When it comes to your brand who are you and why do people enjoy working with you? "At the center of your being you have the answer: you know who you are and you know what you want. " – Lao Tzu -Building a personal brand takes time and effort, but it's worth it. The need for a personal brand will continue to increase. It's the one thing that no one can take away from you, and it can follow you throughout your career. "You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do." - Henry Ford…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 37: Part 4 - Invest in yourself and your brand - who are you, like really? 10:43
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10:43Episode 37: Part 4 - Invest in yourself and your brand - who are you, like really? Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.thebalancesmb.com/what-is-personal-branding-4056073 - It used to be that creating a personal brand meant you had a bunch of business cards made up—and if you were really creative, you hired a graphic designer to create a logo for you. But, with the development of social media and an increasingly individualized society, the brand you build around yourself is perhaps the single most important way you can stand out in your spheres of influence. If you're just beginning to think about your personal brand, it's crucial that you understand that personal branding is the means by which people remember you. "Life is growth. If we stop growing, technically and spiritually, we are as good as dead." -Morihei Ueshiba - It's more than a trademark or a stunning logo—it is how you present yourself online and offline to potential clients and customers. Your brand image is what you create to help build your business. Your personal brand centers around you as an individual. - Defining Your Personal Brand Means Knowing Your Audience. If you're looking to define your own personal brand, first you need to consider the kind of impression that you want to build and the market you want to target. Where do the two intersect? What does each look like and what does each want? What problems do they have? If you can build a solid personal reputation as someone who cares and truly wants the best for their clients, you'll succeed. "Personal development is a major time-saver. The better you become, the less time it takes you to achieve your goals." -Brian Tracy - Work the Offline World. Personal branding isn't bound to the internet. When you leave your home and interact with people around town, make sure you maintain a positive and professional appearance in keeping with your brand. Carry business cards with you at all times, and keep an eye out for potential clients. People love to support local businesses and other professionals, and if you make a good impression they'll be more eager to look into your services—and hire you or refer you to someone who will. "As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do." - Andrew Carnegie - Consistency Is Key. One of the key components of successful of personal branding is staying true (i.e., consistent) to your brand. Clients will start recognizing your brand once they've encountered it several times. And, if you change your image mid-stream, clients will get confused, and ultimately not know (or trust) you. If you're using multiple platforms (e.g., a website and glossy color brochures), you need to keep your overall image and appearance the same. One way to accomplish this is to make sure your color schemes, logos, personal mottos, and your overview business look and feel are the same. "Once you realize that you have identified a passion, invest in yourself. Figure out what you need to know, what kind of experience and expertise you need to develop to do the things that you feel in your heart you will enjoy and that will sustain you both mentally and economically." -Martha Stewart…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 37: Part 3 - Invest in yourself and your brand - who are you, like really? 11:39
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11:39Episode 37: Part 3 - Invest in yourself and your brand - who are you, like really? Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-tull/top-10-ways-to-invest-in-_b_8406130.html - 4. Invest in building your confidence. People who know their value, have something to say and others will listen. You can invest in yourself by developing an understanding of the value that you possess and offer others. Learn to have the courage to speak your truth. The more you love yourself and own the value that you offer, the more confident you will become in sharing it with others. - Develop your skills. Improving your skills doesn't always mean investing in higher education, though that's surely an option, and perhaps a necessary one depending upon your career field. Investing in your knowledge and skills can take many forms. In addition, expanding your level of knowledge and skill isn't limited to the business arena and doesn't necessarily need to be formal. There are many “skill investment” avenues. - Advance your education – extra classes, advanced degrees, relevant certifications, are all valuable investments. Take classes, either in person or online. "Invest in yourself first. Expect nothing from no one and be willing to work for everything." -Tony Gaskins - Attend seminars and workshops to expand your knowledge and skills in your business and/or personal life. This will also give you the opportunity to meet and interact with individuals who are like-minded. -Take care of your health. Eat right each day, fueling your body with nutrients. When you focus on eating organic and healthier choices, you will feel better and have more energy. I know that the unhealthy burger or cupcake gives us instant gratification, but if you're like me, you regret it later, because you feel lousy afterwards. Exercise daily. Do something every day to get moving and get your heart rate up, even, if it's just walking the dog. Exercise gives you the energy to take on the day with confidence because of how it makes you look and feel. - Read – anything and everything. Explore culture – attend performances, listen to different style of music, travel, or join an organization or group comprised of people from different backgrounds. Open your mind – engage in conversations with those who disagree with you. Look at an argument and try to make a case for the opposing point of view. Keep your mind active – play word games, (yes, even Words with Friends counts,) board games that include strategy, or try using your brain to perform simple calculations rather than relying on a calculator. "Income seldom exceeds personal development." -Jim Rohn - Polish the exterior – translation: take care of the outside too. Many people dismiss this as frivolous and self-indulgent, but it's not, as long as you don't go overboard. We're not talking about facelifts and Botox, we're talking about getting a fabulous haircut, and wearing clothes that make you feel confident and attractive. "It hurts like hell when the world won't invest in you. But it's excruciating, almost more than you can bear, when you don't believe and invest in yourself."-Julia Cameron - Choose to be happy. Happiness is a choice. Happy people choose to focus on the positive aspects of life, rather than the negative. They are not held hostage by their circumstances. They look at all the reasons to be grateful. “Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”- Abraham Lincoln - Work on your bucket list. If you don't have a bucket list, then it's time to start one. Your bucket list is meant to be a list of everything you want to achieve, do, see, feel and experience in your life. Your list may be ongoing, but you can start by writing 100 things down. Then each month or so, make sure you're knocking out at least, one of the items on your list. - Invest in a coach. A coach can assist you in putting all of these strategies into action. A coach is your partner in success. It is their job to assist you in creating and implementing your success plan, so you can become the best that you can be. "Be patient with yourself. Self-growth is tender; it’s holy ground. There’s no greater investment." -Stephen Covey…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 37: Part 2 - Invest in yourself and your brand - who are you, like really? 11:01
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11:01Episode 37: Part 2 - Invest in yourself and your brand - who are you, like really? Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-tull/top-10-ways-to-invest-in-_b_8406130.html - There's a wealth of benefits that can be gained from investing in yourself. Here's a look at just a few: Satisfaction. When you take the time, or make the time, to invest in yourself, you will be rewarded with a tremendous sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. Whether you invest in fitness, health, or creative pursuits, the sense of accomplishment that comes when you achieve or finish something can be extremely beneficial and can do wonders for your mindset. - Confidence. Deep down, we're often afraid to say yes to self-investments because we feel that we don't deserve it, or that we won't be able to experience the full benefit. But saying yes and making that initial investment in yourself—whether it's signing up for a workshop, going in for that checkup, or hiking that mountain—can boost your confidence tremendously; improving your outlook as well. When you have confidence, you can achieve more things than you ever thought possible, and will be able to set your sights higher, and reach those goals that you may have once thought out of reach. - Stability. When you invest in something that will benefit you mentally—whether it's learning something new, or refining your skills, you'll be able to help to add more stability to your life. For many of us, we invest a lot in our employer, doing tasks that benefit them, at the expense of neglecting our own skills. But it's important to remember that no job is guaranteed. By developing and deepening your skills can work to create a more stable future. "The best gift, and investment, you can give your child is your time." -Kevin Heath - Connections. Investing in yourself can open the opportunity to forge new connections. Investing in relationships and people who mean a lot to you can help to deepen and strengthen others as well as yourself. Never underestimate the power of a good friend! - Top 10 Ways to Invest in Yourself 1. Set goals. Learn how to set personal and business goals for yourself. If you're not taking the time to set goals it's like driving in the dark with the headlights turned off. You will not know where you're going and you will waste precious time. Be sure to also set some time frames in which to meet them. Your goals should be SMART goals -Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Timely. "Only when the tide goes out do you discover who's been swimming naked." -Warren Buffett - 2. Honor your intuition. You can show yourself love by trusting your gut and honoring the message that it's sending. Listening to your intuition, will allow you to make better decisions. Valuing your intuition, by not allowing the thoughts, feelings or statements of others to take away from what you know to be true is very empowering. By paying attention to how you feel, it will help you to make better, smarter and quicker decisions. - 3. Invest time in your creativity. Our creativity doesn't have to diminish as we get older. In fact, it is believed that the peak of creativity in most people is around 30-40 years old. (Lindaur, 1998, Marisiske &Willis, 1998) Creativity can be the catalyst in the manifestation of continual learning and lifelong activity. It allows us to be inspired, have fun and appreciate the beauty in the world. "Old men are always advising young men to save money. That is bad advice. Don't save every nickel. Invest in yourself. I never saved a dollar until I was forty years old." -Henry Ford…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 37: Part 1 - Invest in yourself and your brand - who are you, like really? 11:42
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11:42Episode 37: Part 1 - Invest in yourself and your brand - who are you, like really? Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License http://www.blog.daydesigner.com/invest-in-yourself/ "The best investment you can make is in yourself." -Warren Buffett - Why It's Important to Invest in Yourself and Why You're Not Doing It. When it comes to investments, one of the best you can make is in yourself! But all too often, investing in ourselves is a low-priority item; something we think about doing someday. Why is investing in yourself so powerful? Investing in yourself, sends a powerful message to yourself and the world. The message is: - Time and money are among the top reasons that we give for putting off things that would enrich our lives. But while it's true that you may not have a lot of extra time or money lying around, it's important to realize that often, we cite those reasons not because we really can't afford it or couldn't find time for it, but instead because we fail to recognize the real value in investing in ourselves. "Formal education will make you a living; self-education will make you a fortune." -Jim Rohn - Whether it's because we feel that we won't benefit enough to make the investment worthwhile, or if we're telling ourselves that we're just not worth the risk—those are tremendously sad reasons when you think about it! The fact is that we are worth it, and if we don't venture out on a limb or try new things, we'll never be able to grow as a person. "Man’s life is independent. He is born not for the development of the society alone, but for the development of his self." -B. R. Ambedkar - Investing in Yourself: Where to Start? There are plenty of ways to invest in yourself and there really is something for everyone and every budget. Here's a look at a few worthwhile investments that can produce excellent rewards: Fitness Education Experiences Reading more books Spending time in nature Creative pursuits—Writing, sculpting, painting, drawing "There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self." -Ernest Hemingway "An investment in education is an investment in our future." -David Wasinger…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 36: Part 3 - Procrastination: Time and tide waits for no one 10:31
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10:31Episode 36: Part 3 - Procrastination: Time and tide waits for no one Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License http://time.com/5322514/stop-procrastinating-tips/ https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/why-procrastination-is-good-for-you-2102008 https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newHTE_96.htm - Procrastination is the habit of delaying an important task, usually by focusing on less urgent, more enjoyable, and easier activities instead. It is different from laziness, which is the unwillingness to act. Procrastination can restrict your potential and undermine your career. It can also disrupt teamwork, reduce morale, and even lead to depression and job loss. So, it's crucial to take proactive steps to prevent it. -But giving in to this impulse can have serious consequences. For example, even minor episodes of procrastination can make us feel guilty or ashamed. It can lead to reduced productivity and cause us to miss out on achieving our goals. If we procrastinate over a long period of time, we can become demotivated and disillusioned with our work, which can lead to depression and even job loss, in extreme cases. "You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today."- Abraham Lincoln - Step 1: Recognize That You're Procrastinating. You might be putting off a task because you've had to re-prioritize your workload. If you're briefly delaying an important task for a genuinely good reason, then you aren't necessarily procrastinating. However, if you start to put things off indefinitely, or switch focus because you want to avoid doing something, then you probably are. - Step 2: Work Out WHY You're Procrastinating. You need to understand the reasons why you are procrastinating before you can begin to tackle it. For instance, are you avoiding a particular task because you find it boring or unpleasant? If so, take steps to get it out of the way quickly, so that you can focus on the aspects of your job that you find more enjoyable. Poor organization can lead to procrastination. Organized people successfully overcome it because they use prioritized To-Do Lists and create effective schedules . These tools help you to organize your tasks by priority and deadline. "Don’t wait. The time will never be just right."- Napoleon Hill - Step 3: Adopt Anti-Procrastination Strategies. Procrastination is a habit – a deeply ingrained pattern of behavior. This means that you probably can't break it overnight. Habits only stop being habits when you avoid practicing them. Forgive yourself for procrastinating in the past. Studies show that self-forgiveness can help you to feel more positive about yourself and reduce the likelihood of procrastination in the future. Commit to the task. Focus on doing, not avoiding. Write down the tasks that you need to complete, and specify a time for doing them. This will help you to proactively tackle your work. - If you're procrastinating because you find a task unpleasant, try to focus on the "long game." Research shows that impulsive people are more likely to procrastinate because they are focused on short-term gain. Combat this by identifying the long-term benefits of completing the task. For instance, could it affect your annual performance review or end-of-year bonus? "If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done." - Rita Mae Brown - At the same time, it can be useful to reframe the task by looking at its meaning and relevance . This will increase its value to you and make your work more worthwhile. It's also important to acknowledge that we can often overestimate the unpleasantness of a task. So give it a try! You may find that it's not as bad as you thought, after all! "It is only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth – and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had."- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 36: Part 2 - Procrastination: Time and tide waits for no one 12:02
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12:02Episode 36: Part 2 - Procrastination: Time and tide waits for no one Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/why-procrastination-is-good-for-you-2102008 - Life seems to happen at warp speed. But, decisions, says Frank Partnoy, should not. In his new book, Wait: The Art and Science of Delay, Partnoy claims that when faced with a decision, we should assess how long we have to make it, and then wait until the last possible moment to do so. Should we take his advice on how to “manage delay,” we will live happier lives. Historically, for human beings, procrastination has not been regarded as a bad thing. The Greeks and Romans generally regarded procrastination very highly. The wisest leaders embraced procrastination and would basically sit around and think and not do anything unless they absolutely had to. "Neither a wise nor a brave man lies down on the tracks of history to wait for the train of the future to run over him." – Dwight D. Eisenhower - The idea that procrastination is bad really started in the Puritanical era with Jonathan Edwards’s sermon against procrastination and then the American embrace of “a stitch in time saves nine,” and this sort of work ethic that required immediate and diligent action. If you look at recent studies, managing delay is an important tool for human beings. People are more successful and happier when they manage delay. Procrastination is just a universal state of being for humans. We will always have more things to do than we can possibly do, so we will always be imposing some sort of unwarranted delay on some tasks. The question is not whether we are procrastinating, it is whether we are procrastinating well. - Some scientists have argued that there are two kinds of procrastination: active procrastination and passive procrastination. Active procrastination means you realize that you are unduly delaying mowing the lawn or cleaning your closet, but you are doing something that is more valuable instead. Passive procrastination is just sitting around on your sofa not doing anything. That clearly is a problem. - Lehman Brothers had arranged for a decision-making class in the fall of 2005 for its senior executives. It brought four dozen executives to the Palace Hotel on Madison Avenue and brought in leading decision researchers, including Max Bazerman from Harvard and Mahzarin Banaji, a well-known psychologist. For the capstone lecture, they brought in Malcolm Gladwell, who had just published Blink, a book that speaks to the benefits of making instantaneous decisions and that Gladwell sums up as “a book about those first two seconds.” Lehman’s president Joe Gregory embraced this notion of going with your gut and deciding quickly, and he passed copies of Blink out on the trading floor. The executives took this class and then hurriedly marched back to their headquarters and proceeded to make the worst snap decisions in the history of financial markets. -Question one is: what is the longest amount of time I can take before doing this? What time world am I living in? Step two is, delay the response or the decision until the very last possible moment. If it is a year, wait 364 days. If it’s an hour, wait 59 minutes. Most of us would say that a professional tennis player is better than an amateur because they are so fast. But, in fact, what I found and what the studies of superfast athletes show is that they are better because they are slow. They are able to perfect their stroke and response to free up as much time as possible between the actual service of the ball and the last possible millisecond when they have to return it. "Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in."– Napoleon Bonaparte - Most people are taught that you should apologize right away. But I was surprised to find that, in most cases, delayed apologies are more effective. If you’ve wronged a spouse or partner or colleague in some substantive, intentional way, they will want time to process information about what you’ve done. If you acknowledge what you did, and delay the apology, then the wronged party has a chance to tell you how they feel in response, and your apology is much more meaningful. - Just take a breath. Take more pauses. Stare off into the distance. Ask yourself the first question of this two-step process: What is the maximum amount of time I have available to respond? When I get emails now, instead of responding right away, I ask myself this. We need a shift in mindset away from snap reactions toward delay. Innovation goes at a glacial pace and should go at a glacial pace. "The habit of always putting off an experience until you can afford it, or until the time is right, or until you know how to do it is one of the greatest burglars of joy. Be deliberate, but once you’ve made up your mind–jump in."- Charles R. Swindoll…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 36: Part 1 - Procrastination: Time and tide waits for no one 10:48
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10:48Episode 36: Part 1 - Procrastination: Time and tide waits for no one Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License http://time.com/5322514/stop-procrastinating-tips/ - From time to time, everybody leaves a task lingering on their to-do list for a few hours — or days, or weeks — too long. Procrastination is a normal, near-universal phenomenon — which makes it all the more important to understand why it strikes and what to do about it. “Procrastination is not just avoiding or delaying a task,” says David Ballard, head of the American Psychological Association’s Center for Organizational Excellence. “It also has to include an aspect that’s counterproductive, irrational or unnecessary.” - Those triggers typically fall into one of four camps: expectancy, value, time or impulsivity, says Alexander Rozental, a procrastination researcher and a clinical psychologist at the Karolinska Institutet in Sweden. In other words, “People procrastinate because of a lack of value [associated with the task]; because they expect that they’re not going to achieve the value they’re trying to achieve; because the value is too far from you in terms of time; or because you’re very impulsive as a person,” Rozental says. Strategies for overcoming procrastination will vary depending on why it happens in the first place. "It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end."- Leonardo da Vinci - If timing is the issue: Many people are inherently more productive at certain times of day. Ballard recommends working around these natural productivity ebbs and flows when you schedule your days. “If you know you work better in the mornings on certain kinds of tasks, schedule it for then,” he says. “Don’t try to do it at a time when you’re tired and it’s harder for you to do.” - If you get overwhelmed by big tasks: Many people procrastinate because they’re anxious about the outcome of a project, don’t think they can complete it well or fear failure, Rozental says. If that’s the case, it may help to break it into smaller sub-tasks. - “If you don’t believe in yourself enough to actually conduct a particular task, you can try to do it in smaller and more manageable parts to increase your self-efficacy,” Rozental recommends. - If you struggle with delayed gratification: Some people have a hard time thinking of a project as important or rewarding unless they’re squeezing it in just before a deadline. In this case, too, breaking a long-term assignment into multiple smaller ones may help, Ballard says. “Find ways to reward yourself along the way,” he recommends. You can even schedule your most frequent diversions — think checking social media or completing non-urgent chores and errands — for the gaps between these smaller chunks to get a quick hit of an enjoyable activity, Ballard adds. “You get those activities done, you get a break and you can shift your mindset for a few minutes,” he says. "You can’t just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. What mood is that? Last-minute panic."- Bill Watterson - If you’re easily distracted: First, Ballard recommends optimizing your environment. “Put your cell phone away, turn off notifications on your computer and don’t have 10 tabs open at the same time,” he says. - If you’re struggling with something larger: Sometimes, what looks like procrastination may actually be a symptom of something more serious, such as depression, anxiety or attention problems, Ballard says. If your behavior is causing you distress or significantly affecting your performance at work, school or home, don’t be afraid to consult a professional. “Get some additional support and help from a professional who can help you manage those so it’s not getting in the way of your job performance or functioning,” he says. "Procrastination is the bad habit of putting of until the day after tomorrow what should have been done the day before yesterday." - Napoleon Hill - If you’re simply hitting a wall: Even the most efficient workers have days when it’s harder to finish tasks. With any luck, these lulls will strike when you don’t have a deadline looming and you can “cut your losses and take a break” to focus on taking care of yourself with sleep, exercise, proper nutrition and enjoyable, non-work-related activities, Ballard says. "My advice is to never do tomorrow what you can do today. Procrastination is the thief of time."- Charles Dickens…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 35 : Part 4 - Finding your passion: Searching for the holy grail? 12:30
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12:30Episode 35 : Part 4 - Finding your passion: Searching for the holy grail? Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License www.oprah.com/supersoulsunday/the-secret-to-finding-your-passion-hint-its-not-what-you-think_1 - The last thing you want to do is live an unfulfilled, passionless life. A life where you hate your work, take the stress of a crappy job home with you each day, and bide your time until you can retire and be free of the monotony. Avoid the following seven mistakes when trying to find your passions: - Assuming Passions are Reserved for Experts. Who comes to mind when you think of somebody who has a passionate career? If you’re a sports fan, maybe you think of a professional athlete. If you’re a literature buff, maybe you think of a great writer. If you’re a tech nerd, maybe you think of Steve Jobs. It’s true that we’re more likely to enjoy doing something we’re good at, but nobody is born an expert at something, so don’t write off the interests that excite you even if you’re a novice. "Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark." -Henri Frederic Amiel - Overlooking Your Biggest Fans. Real quick: name one of your best friend’s passions. Your friend may never have told you that the thing you named was her passion, but you just knew. Yet it’s difficult to pinpoint our own. One huge mistake you may be making as you search for your passions is overlooking your biggest fans – the people who know and love you. If you can’t pinpoint what you are passionate about, ask your family and friends what they think your passions are. - Thinking of Passion as a Verb. You probably think of somebody who is passionate about something active, like painting or sports. This is a mistake. When you’re searching for your passion to pursue work you love, you tend to get stuck on the idea that your passion has to be something that you do, rather than something you believe in, so knitting or playing hockey or painting come to mind. Your passion doesn’t have to be something you do. It can be something you believe in. "Only passions, great passions, can elevate the soul to great things." -Denis Diderot - Believing That Passions Last a Lifetime. Close your eyes and picture yourself ten years ago. How much have you changed between then and now? How much have you grown and evolved? Chances are, you’re not the same person as you were back then. Yet we tend to expect that we’ll stick with the same passions throughout our entire lives. We humans are fluid and ever-changing, and the notion that our passions are something we are passionate about for life is misguided. - Rejecting Passions Because They Seem Frivolous. We want to be the type of people who pursue passions that could change the world. We’re good people, so we want to pursue passions around social causes. And you probably are passionate about a certain social cause. But a less philanthropic passion is just as worthy, and just as you can’t pick your family, you can’t choose what lights that fire for you. Don’t reject your passions because they don’t conform to a set of standards you’ve set. "You have to be burning with an idea, or a problem, or a wrong that you want to right. If you’re not passionate enough from the start, you’ll never stick it out." -Steve Jobs - Expecting Too Much from Passions. You have a specific idea of what a passion does.Passionate people teach us that passions make our hearts beat faster, get us up in the morning, and consume us completely. So you want your passions to motivate you and drive you to the finish line. But sometimes, your passion is just something that quietly tugs at you. - Discounting Your Personality. Have you ever looked at somebody who was clearly so fired up about something and wondered whether you’ll ever feel the same way? Why? Well, because you are not that person! You may have passions but never recognize them as passions because, in comparison to others, you just don’t get as excited about them. We have the tendency to compare ourselves to others in almost everything, but especially people who are front and center. "Happiness is not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort." -Franklin D. Roosevelt - Go Grab Your Passions by The Horns. When you’re trying to find and pursue your passions, you can easily drown in a sea of voices louder than your own about what passion should look like. "Far and away the best prize that life offers is the chance to work hard at work worth doing." -Theodore Roosevelt…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 35 : Part 3 - Finding your passion: Searching for the holy grail? 11:32
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11:32Episode 35 : Part 3 - Finding your passion: Searching for the holy grail? Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.lifehack.org/articles/featured/how-to-find-your-passion.html - So what should you do? How to find your passion in life? Here are some suggestions: Ask yourself: Is there something you already love doing? Do you have a hobby, or something you loved doing as a child, but never considered it as a possibility? Whether it’s reading comic books, collecting something, making something, creating or building, there is probably a way you could do it for a living. - Find out What do you love to talk about, learn about and/or teach others about? With nearly 7 billion people on the planet, chances are that there's a market out there hungry for information, products or resources on your topic. Or there's a company looking for someone with your unique set of gifts and interests to join their team. If you're having trouble coming up with ideas, ask close friends and family (the honest ones) what you never seem to shut up about. - Brainstorm. Nothing comes to mind right away? Well, get out a sheet of paper, and start writing down ideas. Anything that comes to mind, write it down. There are no bad ideas at this stage. Write everything down, and evaluate them later. Notice any themes? What subjects are you constantly gravitating toward? What are you already spending your time, money and energy on? What theme(s) have been recurring in your life again and again? "There is no passion to be found playing small—in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living." -Nelson Mandela - Ask around, and surf for possibilities. Ask other people for ideas. See what others have discovered as their passions. Look all over the Internet for ideas. The more possibilities you find, the more likely your chances of finding your true passion. - Love everything you do. From this moment forward, if you don't like something, you've got two choices: stop doing it (quit, delegate it, hire it out) OR love it with all your heart. Anything else is madness. Remember, we human beings are creatures of habit. You can't be whiny, complainy and miserable for 80 percent of your day and expect to be enthusiastic and passionate in the last 20 percent. And if you're feeling really stuck on this whole "finding your passion" thing, this is the fastest way to get your motor running. Know this: Truly successful people are never the victim of their circumstances. They realize they have ultimate power in any situation and take responsibility for their experience. - Give it a try first. It’s best to actually test your new idea before jumping into it as a career. Do it as a hobby or side job at first, so that you can see if it’s really your true calling. Don’t quit your job just yet. If you find your calling, your passion, don’t just turn in your resignation tomorrow. It’s best to stay in your job while you’re researching the possibilities. If you can do your passion as a side job, and build up the income for a few months or a year, that’s even better. It gives you a chance to build up some savings (and if you’re going into business for yourself, you’ll need that cash reserve), while practicing the skills you need. - Do as much research as possible. Know as much about your passion as possible. If this has been a passion for awhile, you may have already been doing this. At any rate, do even more research. Read every website possible on the topic, and buy the best books available. Find other people, either in your area or on the Internet, who do what you want to do for a living, and quiz them about the profession. How much do they make? What training and education did they need? What skills are necessary? How did they get their start? What recommendations do they have? "If you don’t love what you do, you won’t do it with much conviction or passion." -Mia Hamm - Practice, and practice, and practice some more. Don’t go into it with amateur skill level. If you want to make money — to be a professional — you need to have professional skills. Get very good at your future career and you will make money at it. Practice for hours on end. If it’s something you love, the practice should be something you want to do. "A great leader’s courage to fulfill his vision comes from passion, not position." -John C. Maxwell - Never quit trying. Can’t find your passion at first? Give up after a few days and you’re sure to fail. Keep trying, for months on end if necessary, and you’ll find it eventually. Thought you found your passion but you got tired of it? No problem! Start over again and find a new passion. There may be more than one passion in your lifetime, so explore all the possibilities. Found your passion but haven’t been successful making a living at it? Don’t give up. Keep trying, and try again, until you succeed. Success doesn’t come easy, so giving up early is a sure way to fail. Keep trying, and you’ll get there. "The only way to do great work is to love what you do" - Steve Jobs…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 35 : Part 2 - Finding your passion: Searching for the holy grail? 11:02
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11:02Episode 35 : Part 2 - Finding your passion: Searching for the holy grail? Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.lifehack.org/articles/featured/how-to-find-your-passion.html - How to cultivate a “growth” mind-set in the young, future-psychology-experiment subjects of America? If you’re a parent, you can avoid dropping new hobbies as soon as they become difficult. Beyond that, there’s not a clear way to develop a growth mind-set about interests, other than knowing that it’s a valid way to think, and that your passion might still be around the corner. “Don’t worry about what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” -Howard Thurman -The Legend of Baggar Vance—a movie about a down-on-his-luck golfer who enlists the help of an inspirational golf caddy (Baggar Vance) to perfect his game. In one of the scenes, Baggar says to the golfer: “Inside each and every one of us is one true authentic swing. Something we were born with. Something that’s ours and ours alone. Something that can’t be taught to you or learned. Something that got to be remembered.” Your passion—your one true authentic gift—has to be remembered. "I would rather die of passion than of boredom." -Vincent Van Gogh - For so long, we have been searching, trying new things, exploring jobs, careers, and “attractive” passions outside of myself—without ever trying to remember what passions have been with us all along. But how could a passion be so…plain? Aren’t passions supposed to be artistic, exotic, or inspirational? Aren’t passions supposed to wow people?So if you’re struggling to find your passion, even after trying what feels like doing everything, do this: sit down, open your journal, pour a cup of tea, and try to remember your passions. "I have to face life with a newly found passion. I must rediscover the irresistible will to learn, to live and to love." -Andrea Bocelli - Think back on your life, and remember things you wanted to be, the habits you developed naturally, the games you played, the books you read, and see how they may apply to your life and career today. You might be surprised by the connection points that have been right under your nose all along. - If you dread going to your job, or find yourself constantly lacking motivation, or find what you’re doing dull and repetitive, you need to start looking for a new job. Staying in your current job will not only continue to make you unhappy, but you are not realizing your full potential in life. - Imagine this instead: You get up early, jumping out of bed, excited to go to work. You might put in more hours than the average person, but it doesn’t seem difficult to you, because your work hours just zoom right by. You are often in that state of mind, often referred to as “flow,” where you can lose track of the world and time, losing yourself in the task at hand. Work is not work as many people refer to it, but something that is fun and interesting and exciting. It’s not a “job” but a passion. If you’ve got a job you dislike, or even hate, this will sound like a pipe dream to you. And if you never put in the effort to find what you’re passionate about, you’re right: such a thing will never be possible. - But dare to dream, dare to imagine the possibilities, and dare to actually search for what you love, and it is not only a possibility, but a probability.…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 35 : Part 1 - Finding your passion: Searching for the holy grail? 11:14
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11:14Episode 35 : Part 1 - Finding your passion: Searching for the holy grail? Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://tinybuddha.com/blog/try-this-if-youre-struggling-to-find-your-passion/ "Passion without purpose is like a shot without a target."- Ifeanyi Enoch Onuoha - Carol Dweck, a psychology professor at Stanford University, remembers asking an undergraduate seminar recently, “How many of you are waiting to find your passion?” “Almost all of them raised their hand and got dreamy looks in their eyes,” she told me. They talked about it “like a tidal wave would sweep over them.” - What Dweck asked her students is a common refrain in American society. The term “Follow your passion” has increased ninefold in English books since 1990. “Find something you love to do and you’ll never have to work a day in your life” is another college-counseling standby of unknown provenance. "Vision without action is a daydream; action without vision is a nightmare" -Honda Soichiro - That’s why he and two co-authors—Dweck and Greg Walton of Stanford—recently performed a study that suggests it might be time to change the way we think about our interests. Passions aren’t “found,” they argue. They’re developed. In a paper that is forthcoming in Psychological Science, the authors delineate the difference between the two mind-sets. One is a “fixed theory of interests”—the idea that core interests are there from birth, just waiting to be discovered—and the other is a “growth theory,” the idea that interests are something anyone can cultivate over time. - The authors then repeated a similar procedure, but they had students read first about either the fixed theory of interests or the growth theory. Again, those who learned that interests are fixed throughout a person’s life were less captivated by an article that mismatched their interests. The authors believe this could mean that students who have fixed theories of interest might forgo interesting lectures or opportunities because they don’t align with their previously stated passions. Or that they might overlook ways that other disciplines can intersect with their own. - People who have a growth mind-set about their own intelligence tend to be less afraid of failure, according to her research, because they believe smarts are cultivated, not inherent. Interests are related to, but distinct from, abilities, the study authors told me: You can be interested in something but not very good at it. “I’ve been playing guitar for 25 years, but I can’t say that my abilities have gotten that much better in the past 10 years,” O’Keefe said. "Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work" - Aristotle - The authors also had students learn about either fixed or growth theory and then exposed them to a new interest: Astronomy. First, they had them watch a video made by The Guardian for a general audience about Stephen Hawking’s ideas. It was easy to understand and entertaining. Then the authors had the students read a highly technical, challenging article in the academic journal Science about black holes. Despite saying just moments ago, after viewing the video, that they were fascinated by black holes, the students who were exposed to the fixed theory of interests said they were no longer interested in black holes after reading the difficult Science article.…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 34 : Part 4 - Bad habits - Fighting and overcoming them 11:12
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11:12Episode 34 : Part 4 - Bad habits - Fighting and overcoming them Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.developgoodhabits.com/break-bad-habit/ https://www.mindful.org/simple-way-break-bad-habit/ https://mayooshin.com/how-to-break-a-bad-habit/ How to break a bad habit. - Use the words “I don’t” instead of “I can’t.” Surprisingly, the researchers found that the students who used the phrases“I can’t” chose to eat the chocolate candy bar 61% of the time. Conversely, the students who used the word “I don’t” only chose to eat this 36% of the time. Another similar study was also conducted on a different group of 30 participants split into three groups. This time the same experiment would test the impact on the phrases on their health goals. After 10 days of research, they found that only 1 out of 10 in the “I can’t” group were able stick to their goals. In contrast, 8 out of 10 in the “I don’t” group were successful in meeting their goals. - I cant, i wont. Breaking bad habits. Next time you catch yourself saying “I can’t [bad habit],” reframe this word and say “I don’t [bad habit]” instead. This way you’ll give yourself a psychological edge to make a better choice. "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit." – Aristotle - Use an “If-then” plan to replace the bad habit with a good one. Having a goal to break a bad habit is not enough. If you want to permanently stick to a good habit, an intentional plan of action is required. One way to do this is to use an “if-then” plan of action. An “if-then” strategy requires you to be as specific as possible on where and when you will take a given action. "If you don't learn how to control your thoughts, you will never learn how to control your behavior. Focus on the good habit you want to do, not the bad habit you don't want to do. Overcome the bad with good." - Joyce Meyer - Here’s how to create your “if-then” plan. Step 1: Identify the scenario that usually triggers your bad habit. For example, your friend offers you a pizza. Step 2: Specify a different response to the trigger. Ideally, this should be a good habit that would replace and prevent you from falling into the temptation. For example, you ask for a piece of fruit instead of the pizza. Step 3: Combine steps 1 and 2 into an “if-then” format i.e. “ If on Saturday evening my friend offers me a pizza, then I will answer: I prefer a piece of fruit instead.” Using an “if-then” plan makes it easier to react to your cravings and replace them with a good one because of the prepared automatic response. "The secret to permanently breaking any bad habit is to love something greater than the habit." - Bryant McGill - Honestly, you’re probably not going to break your bad habits overnight. But, you could use these three strategies to give you that extra boost of self confidence and self control required to change. The process of finally breaking free from your bad habits is a little bit like learning how to ride a bicycle. There will be some days where you’ll climb on the bicycle and ride around easily. There will also be days where you struggle to get on the bike and keep falling over and over again. "Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek." - Barack Obama…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 34 : Part 3 - Bad habits - Fighting and overcoming them 11:09
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11:09Episode 34 : Part 3 - Bad habits - Fighting and overcoming them Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201108/5-steps-breaking-bad-habits https://www.developgoodhabits.com/break-bad-habit/ - And what did they notice? Mindful smoking “Smells like stinky cheese and tastes like chemicals. Yuck.” - Now the prefrontal cortex, that youngest part of our brain from an evolutionary perspective, it understands on an intellectual level that we shouldn’t smoke and it tries its hardest to help us change our behavior, to help us stop smoking, to help us stop eating that second, that third, that fourth cookie—we call this cognitive control, we’re using cognition to control our behavior. Unfortunately this is also the first part of our brain that goes offline when we get stressed out which, isn’t that helpful. - When we get curious, we step out of our old, fear-based reactive habit patterns. This isn’t to say that, poof, magically we quit smoking but over time as we learn to see more and more clearly the results of our actions we let go of old habits and form new ones. The paradox here is that mindfulness is just about being really interested in getting close and personal with what’s actually happening in our bodies and minds from moment to moment. "Even the most fickle are faithful to a few bad habits." -Mason Cooley - This might sound too simplistic to affect behavior, these are bite-sized pieces of experiences that we can manage from moment to moment rather than getting clobbered by this huge, scary craving that we choke on. Everyone has at least one bad habit. - They started with chronic lateness: When you consistently fail to show up on time for social engagements or meetings, are you actually trying to exert control over those you keep waiting? They now are living on your time, not theirs. "Nothing happens until the pain of remaining the same outweighs the pain of change." – Arthur Burt - Decide that you really want to change and convince yourself that you can. You can only change what you decide you want to change. All psychological models of change emphasize the importance of commitment as a necessary first step. If you don't see a problem, you won't work on changing your behavior. - Once you've decided you want to change, convince yourself that you are able to achieve your change goals. You need to strengthen your sense of self-efficacy, or belief that you can accomplish what you want. Seeing other people change successfully is inspiring, but you need to see yourself as having what it takes to make those changes in yourself. "I think that you can fall into bad habits with comedy... It's a tightrope to stay true to the character, true to the irony, and allow the irony to happen." -Ben Kingsley…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 34 : Part 2 - Bad habits - Fighting and overcoming them 11:21
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11:21Episode 34 : Part 2 - Bad habits - Fighting and overcoming them Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201108/5-steps-breaking-bad-habits https://www.developgoodhabits.com/break-bad-habit/ - Change the larger pattern: Here we are widening the context that surrounds the habit-pattern. By looking at and changing the larger pattern you are actually not only making it easier to tackle the core habit, but are practicing putting your willpower in place on smaller, easier pattern-breaking behaviors. This can add to your sense of empowerment. - Use prompts: These are reminders to help you break the pattern by creating positive triggers and alerts to keep you on track: Putting your running shoes at the side of your bed so you see them first thing in the morning, or putting an alert on your phone to leave for the gym, or check-in with yourself and gauge your stress level on the way home before it gets too high and out of your control. - Get support: Get a running buddy, or a party buddy, or someone you can call, or an online forum you can tap into when you those cravings start to kick in and you are struggling. "My bad habits aren't my title. My strengths and my talent are my title." -Layne Staley - Support & reward yourself: At some point in your efforts to break a habit you reach a day or point where you go: Why am I bothering to struggle with this? You are feeling discouraged, you feel you are emotionally making your life seemingly harder, and there is little payoff. - Be persistent and patient: That’s the name of the game, of course: realizing that it will take time for the new brain connects to kick in, for the old brain-firings to calm down, for new patterns to replace the old. Don’t beat yourself up for slip-ups or use them as rationales for quitting. Take it one day at the time. - Consider getting professional help: If you’ve done the best you can and you are still struggling, consider seeking professional support. This may be a doctor who can prescribe meds for the underlying anxiety and depression, a therapist who cannot only help you unravel the source and driver for your habits, but also create some steady support and accountability. "Most people don't have that willingness to break bad habits. They have a lot of excuses and they talk like victims." - Carlos Santana - A Simple Way to Break a Bad Habit: Studies show that even when we’re really trying to pay attention to something like maybe this talk—at some point, about half of us will drift off into a daydream or have this urge to check our Twitter feed. What’s going on here? It turns out that we’re fighting one of the most evolutionarily conserved learning processes currently known in science, one that’s conserved back to the most basic nervous systems known to man. - The Habit-Forming Brain: This reward based learning process is called positive and negative reinforcement and basically goes like this: We see some food that looks good, our brain says, “Calories! Survival!” We eat the food: We taste it, it tastes good. Especially with sugar, our bodies send the signal to our brain that says: “Remember what you’re eating and where you found it.” We lay down this context-dependent memory and learn to repeat the process next time: see food, eat food, feel good. Repeat. - Trigger, behavior, reward. Simple right? Well after a while our creative brains say, “You know what? You can use this for more than just remembering where food is. Next time you feel bad, why don’t you try eating something good so you’ll feel better?” Each time we do this, we learn to repeat the process and it becomes a habit. "The habits that too years to build, do not take a day to change." -Susan Powter - Curiosity Killed the Cravings: What if instead of fighting our brains or trying to force ourselves to pay attention, we instead tapped into this natural reward based learning process—but added a twist. What if instead we just got really curious about what was happening in our momentary experience. "Your net worth to the world is usually determined by what remains after your bad habits are subtracted from your good ones." -Benjamin Franklin…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 34 : Part 1 - Bad habits - Fighting and overcoming them 11:29
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11:29Episode 34 : Part 1 - Bad habits - Fighting and overcoming them Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201712/how-break-bad-habits https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201108/5-steps-breaking-bad-habits - It's easy to think of habits falling into black and white categories -- exercising good, biting your nails bad. But habits also sit on a continuum in our ability to exercise control over them: Some are mild, like taking off your shoes and dumping in the middle of the living every night. Habits become hard to break to because they are deeply wired by constant repetition into our brains. - But habits are also patterns of behavior and it is the breaking of patterns that are the key to breaking the habits themselves. Usually there is a clear trigger to starts the pattern. Sometimes the triggers are emotional — the wanting a drink or cigarette or nail-biting driven by stress. Other times the trigger is more simply situational and environmental. "All bad habits start slowly and gradually and before you know you have the habit, the habit has you." -Zig Ziglar - But these patterns are also usually wrapped in larger ones: This is where are routines come to run our lives. Overall these auto-pilot habit / routine behaviors are evolutionary-wise and practically a good thing; They keep us from having to re-invent the wheel of our daily lives by making an infinite numbers of decisions all day long, which in turn, provide us with more brain-space to think about more important and creative things. The downside of these routinized patterns comes when those patterns land more in the bad-column than the good. "I have the same friends and the same bad habits." -Nate Silver - As a quick recap, our habits are driven by a 3-part loop in sequence: Trigger (the stimulus that starts the habit) Routine (the doing of the habit and behaviour itself) Reward (the benefit associated with the behaviour) The reason why it can be so hard to break a bad habit, is because there are parts of your brain that associate your cravings with the bad habits. [1] - So if you have habits you want to break, here are some steps to get you started: Define the concrete behavior you want to change or develop "Chains of habit are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken." - Warren Buffett Identify the triggers Deal with the triggers Develop a substitute plan - The key here is mapping this out before that triggers have a chance to kick in. "The secret of change is to focus all your energy NOT on fighting the old but on BUILDING the new." – Socrates…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 33 - Part 3 : Family Enstrangement: Choosing to run and cutting your losses 12:22
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12:22Episode 33 - Part 3 : Family Enstrangement: Choosing to run and cutting your losses Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201406/estranged-your-parents-or-siblings-overview https://www.huffingtonpost.com/karl-a-pillemer-phd/estranged-children_b_1267734.html - It's always nice to have a support system, especially in times of dire need. And while parents might represent beacons of hope and safety for lots of people, there are many people out there who feel the opposite. While it may seem strange, estrangement is actually more common than you think among US families -- for a multitude of reasons, there are lots of people out there who purposely have no relationship with their parents. - Several people who are disconnected from their parents took to Whisper, the popular app that provides an anonymous platform for people to share their most honest thoughts, to explain what it's really like to be estranged. Family doesn't mean the same thing to everyone 'Parents' is just a word Sometimes the right decisions are the most difficult ones Parents should help shape and support who you are, not make you feel bad about it Just because you can't be around your family doesn't mean you don't love them Is it possible to ever forgive your parents for years of abuse?I don't talk to my dad because of years of abuse. "The surest sign of the estrangement of the opinions of two persons is when they both say something ironical to each other and neither of them feels the irony." -Friedrich Nietzsche - Among the saddest people I met in interviews with older Americans for the book “30 Lessons for Living“ were those living in this situation. The destruction of the parent-child bond was a persistent source of melancholy, a feeling of incompleteness that weighed down the soul. - Fortunately, the elders interviewed for the project offered suggestions from their long experience for avoiding family rifts or patching them up before they occur. Here are several of their tips: - See the potential rift early and defuse it.The elders acknowledge that once the rift sets in, it takes on a life of its own and becomes much more difficult to repair. The time to act is when the first warning signs show themselves. - Act immediately after the rift occurs. The elders warn that the viewpoints of both parties harden quickly; in a relatively short time it becomes easier not to make the effort to reconcile than to try to do so. The new reality sets in fast; therefore, the time to “make things better” is as soon as possible after the blow-up. "Estrangement shows itself precisely in the elimination of distance between people." - Theodor Adorno - It’s often the parent who needs to compromise. Older mothers and fathers tend to invest more in the relationship as they get older and therefore stand to lose more by letting it disintegrate. Particularly acute is the separation from grandchildren that can occur as a result of the rift. Many elders recommended that parents try their best to “forgive the unforgivable.” Some have had the worst happen, stood on the brink of the rift and decided that it still wasn’t worth the end of the relationship with the child. "There could have never been two hearts so open, no tastes so similar, no feelings so in unison, no countenances so beloved. Now they were as strangers; nay, worse than strangers, for they could never become acquainted. It was a perpetual estrangement." - Jane Austen…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 33 - Part 2 : Family Enstrangement: Choosing to run and cutting your losses 11:30
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11:30Episode 33 - Part 2 : Family Enstrangement: Choosing to run and cutting your losses Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201406/estranged-your-parents-or-siblings-overview - Estrangements from family are one of the most psychologically painful experiences anyone could experience. It almost goes without saying that estranging yourself from family is absolutely counter-intuitive: Who, after all, would think to terminate a relationship with someone who raised you? - Adding more stress to the already-stressful mix, society tends to project harsh judgment on people who reject their family – even as disturbed as some families can be. Overall, Agllias (2013) explains that family estrangement is often experienced as a considerable loss; its ambiguous nature and social disenfranchisement can contribute to significant grief responses, perceived stigma, and social isolation in some cases. - How to conduct a family estrangement most effectively – and least painfully for you. If you’re considering estranging yourself from family, never initiate a full-blown estrangement without first trying an approach of measured contact. "There is not so agonizing a feeling in the whole catalogue of human suffering as the first conviction that the heart of the being whom we most tenderly love is estranged from us." - Henry Bulwer - To try measured contact, decide the exact frequency of contact you would like to try with the family (e.g., once every two weeks, once per month). Next, decide the type of communication are comfortable with (e.g., in-person visit, telephone call, email, text). After that, decide the length of time you are willing to try out the new plan of measured contact before determining if another more extreme approach is necessary (e.g., 3 months, 6 months). - If you determine after your period of measured contact that you need to stop talking to your family altogether, explain to your family that you need to take a break from talking – but still do not pursue full-blown estrangement. Try writing a letter or calling your family members to say that you want to take a break, and tell them clearly the amount of time you are taking (e.g., another 3 months, 6 months). "When once estrangement has arisen between those who truly love each other, everything seems to widen the breach." -Mary Elizabeth Braddon - Estrangements are messy and emotional for all parties involved. If you can avoid an estrangement and find a way to improve the relationship dynamics with measured contact, that may cause you less stress in the long run. If your family lives nearby, it is worth asking your family members if they would consider going for a couple of sessions to talk to a therapist. - Finally, taking good care of your physical and mental health is never more important than during a period of estrangement. Cortisol levels go through the roof when people get stressed, and nothing adds stress like the anxiety and guilt that so frequently come with major family conflicts. "The children of warriors in our country learn the grace and caution that come from a permanent sense of estrangement."-Pat Conroy…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 33 - Part 1 : Family Enstrangement: Choosing to run and cutting your losses 12:02
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12:02Episode 33 - Part 1 : Family Enstrangement: Choosing to run and cutting your losses Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.inc.com/minda-zetlin/estranged-from-your-family-heres-why-you-should-stop-feeling-guilty.html - Do you have family members you choose not to see or speak with? If so, you probably feel very sad about that, especially at a time of year when most families gather together. But if you're also feeling guilty over it, it's time to stop. - It's more common than you think. In a British survey from 2014, 19 percent of respondents reported that either they themselves or one of their relatives had no contact with the family. - You probably have a good reason. Most of the estranged people stay away from their families or individual family members to save themselves from dysfunctional situations or behavior. If you're estranged from your family, it probably isn't something you did lightly. "All in all, punishment hardens and renders people more insensible; it concentrates; it increases the feeling of estrangement; it strengthens the power of resistance." - Friedrich Nietzsche - Even a seemingly stupid reason may really be a good one. We've all heard about family members who stop speaking to each other over strikingly minor matters. But these things are never as simple as they appear. The breaking point was simply the final item in a dispute that had been going on for years. "No one is willing to acknowledge a fault in himself when a more agreeable motive can be found for the estrangement of his acquaintances." -Mark Twain - You probably gave them plenty of chances to make things better. Estrangement doesn't usually happen as a result of one big argument. It takes years for someone to break contact with a family member or family members. It happens gradually, with the family member reducing contact over time before cutting it off altogether. "I think it's much more radical to see and show things as they look instead of making them somehow subversive through alienation." -Wolfgang Tillmans…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 32: Differentiating self confidence and self esteem 11:58
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11:58Episode 32: Differentiating self confidence and self esteem Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License Differentiating self confidence and self esteem https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201510/self-confidence-versus-self-esteem https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/buildingselfesteem/2012/05/the-difference-between-self-esteem-and-self-confidence -The terms self-esteem and self-confidence are often used interchangeably when referring to how you feel about yourself. Although they are very similar, they are two different concepts. It is important to understand their roles when looking to improve your overall sense of self. -Self-esteem refers to how you feel about yourself overall; how much esteem, positive regard or self-love you have. Self-esteem develops from experiences and situations that have shaped how you view yourself today. -Self-confidence is how you feel about your abilities and can vary from situation to situation. I may have healthy self-esteem, but low confidence about situations involving languages because it's not my area of expertise. "One important key to success is self-confidence. An important key to self-confidence is preparation." Arthur Ashe - Self-esteem and self-confidence seem like pretty much the same thing, but they're not. For example, maybe you can easily get in front of a crowd, give a speech, and command a room, which shows self-confidence, but at the same time, you feel like crap about your own public speaking, which is a lack of self-esteem. "If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint,' then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced." Vincent Van Gogh - "Confidence" comes from the Latin fidere, "to trust." To be self-confident is to trust in oneself, and, in particular, in one’s ability or aptitude to engage successfully or at least adequately with the world. Just as self-confidence leads to successful experience, so successful experience leads to self-confidence. Although any successful experience contributes to our overall confidence, it is, of course, possible to be highly confident in one area, such as cooking or dancing, but very insecure in another, such as mathematics or public speaking. "The courage to be is the courage to accept oneself, in spite of being unacceptable." Paul Tillich - Self-confidence and self-esteem do not always go hand in hand. In particular, it is possible to be highly self-confident and yet to have profoundly low self-esteem, as is the case, for example, with many performers and celebrities, who can perform before an audience of thousands but then damage and even kill themselves with drugs. "It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves." Sir Edmund Hillary - "Esteem" is derived from the Latin aestimare, meaning "to appraise, value, rate, weigh, estimate," and self-esteem is our cognitive and, above all, emotional appraisal of our own worth. More than that, it is the matrix through which we think, feel, and act, and reflects and determines our relation to ourselves, to others, and to the world. "To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance." Oscar Wilde "Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing."- Theodore Roosevelt - Think of qualities others say you excel in. Even if you believe them slightly, this is a step in the right direction. The more we recognize our challenges with self-confidence and self-esteem, the more aware we become of improvements that can be made. This is when positive changes occur. "To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. "- Ralph Waldo Emerson…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 31 - Part 5 : Life - surviving and struggling to survive 12:03
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12:03Episode 31 - Part 5 : Life - surviving and struggling to survive Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://open.buffer.com/survive-thrive/ - If you think you’re wandering alone trying to raise your voice so everybody can hear you roaring, you’re wrong. In fact, you are surrounded with people who fight bloody combats in their minds between success and failure. Whoever told you that life and success comes easy is either pleasing you, or talk nonsense. Life is a balance of good and bad times along with picking out the best lessons out of both experiences. - You are determined more than ever. Determination is the first thing you do conscious that will take you directly to your wishes. Determination means that you already have a clear goal and willing to sacrifice everything to grab that goal with both hands. Emotions will rush over you to go back to the old habits. - You feel like breaking down. At the exact moment when you feel like the world falls down on you is the moment you have to decide two things: go down with it, or elevate stronger than ever. They remind us to see beauty behind the thorns on the way. Life is one big test where we have to see through all perspectives. The price we have to pay not to blur our dreams when encountering the weight of the world on our shoulders. - You firmly want to give up. Following the sign of the hard struggle when you feel like breaking down, the mental state to give up will invade your mind. That’s really a sign that you are doing the right thing. I would state it as finding comfort in the discomfort. "It is not necessary to change. Survival is not mandatory. Learning is not compulsory... neither is survival." W. Edwards Deming - You choose to avoid night-out over work. Everyone needs to hang out from time to time. We exchange thoughts, enjoy the time with our biddies, and have a fun time. But sometimes night-out needs to be avoided if we have crucial work to finish that might take us closer to the vision. Free time needs to be earned thought previous successful days of work. Believe me; the best memories are made when you have nothing left behind to occupy your mind. - You are less with wrong people. In those times you reveal your true friends and people who care about you the most. While being lonely may seem like a dark period and something might be wrong with us, that period of our life is the enlightening. You are left alone with your experience to form your future. "It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value." -Arthur C. Clarke - You are occupied with your success. Emotions play with our mind when we determine to succeed in life. As I previously mentioned, we all have bad habits that have to be removed. That’s not easy at all. Success should make us happy. It shouldn’t mean that “success” is endless money and one mile houses. "Every day I run scared. That's the only way I can stay ahead ." John H Johnson - You exchange life for something only you see. First off, you sacrifice life with everything you do daily. You literally give up (something important and most valued) for the sake of your considerations. You exchange life for the picture in your head of rightfulness. And no, you are not giving up life for nothing. You switch every second and hand out struggle to your vision. "When you're in the battlefield, survival is all there is. Death is the only great emotion." Samuel Fuller - You know your goal as soon as you wake up. Waking up may be the hardest part of the day for some people, but not for those who have clear concise vision (of at least) how they should spend their day to be closer to a better tomorrow. Every one of us can easily create positive and creative way of thinking in a short period of time. Imagine life differently. The mind can expand as long as you’re willing to. "The ultimate value of life depends upon awareness and the power of contemplation rather than upon mere survival." Aristotle - You are struggling like every success. When you walk the hard road, know that millions of people went through it. They even walked uglier roads to grasp success. As billions of people passed the car tests and driving lessons, success means life is putting you to a test to see if you’re hard enough to endure it. “Nothing worth having comes easy.” - You are not alone. It’s never too late to change your community, your life, your world. If you think you’re on the right foot, the world will get in accordance with it. If you want to change it’s never too late, either at 18 or 98. "Victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory however long and hard the road may be; for without victory, there is no survival." Winston Churchill…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 31 - Part 4 : Life - surviving and struggling to survive 11:06
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11:06Episode 31 - Part 4 : Life - surviving and struggling to survive Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empowerment-diary/201408/why-do-some-people-survive-and-others-struggle https://open.buffer.com/survive-thrive/ - Stay In the Present The more you obsess about what happened, going over every detail and reliving it over and over in your mind, the more your fear of that same thing happening again is going to hold you back. Every time you feel your mind slipping into the past, replaying what happened (or didn’t happen), bring it back to the here and now. “We can let the circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us and make us kinder and more open to what scares us. We always have this choice.” – Pema Chodron - Instead of Trying to “Bounce Back,” Just Move Through Have you ever experienced a setback, just to have someone say, “It’s okay; you’ll bounce back!”? You can’t “bounce back” to a previous point in time; all you can do is move through where you are and progress forward. This means letting go of the desire to get things back to “the way they were” and, instead, figuring out how to deal with where are so you can move forward in a new (better) way. “Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.” – Calvin Coolidge - Know What You Want When you face a stumbling block in your career, something that prevents you from moving ahead, it’s the perfect time to ask yourself what you really want. - Think actions Versus Goals Goals are great in that they can move you forward…especially after experiencing a setback. This way of thinking does have its faults as people who set goal after goal “…exist in a state of continuous presuccess failure at best, and permanent failure at worst if things never work out.” - Get In Touch with Your passion In other words, if you’re facing a setback, roadblock, or defeat that threatens to dampen your career-related enthusiasm, don’t let it. Instead, get in touch with your “inner freak” and use your passion to help you push through. - Move Beyond the Negativity We already talked about the fact that feeling negative when you’re faced with a setback is completely “normal.” However, moving beyond this type of negativity is absolutely critical if you want to ultimately succeed. Acknowledging your negative thoughts is actually the first step to this process. “If you have a positive attitude and constantly strive to give your best effort, eventually you will overcome your immediate problems and find you are ready for greater challenges.” -Pat Riley - Practice Gratitude When you’re faced with an obstacle, something that stands between where you are now and where you want to be, having gratitude in your heart and being truly thankful for what you do have puts you in a better spot mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. "Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses." - Alphonse Karr “Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.”- Bruce Lee - Wharton professor and best-selling author, Adam Grant, shares that, in life, failure comes in two ways: your actions and your inactions. Furthermore, “…when people reflect on their biggest regrets, they wish they could redo the inactions, not the actions.” - When life knocks you down, get back up. And when it knocks you down again, get back up again. That’s how you overcome setbacks, defeats, and roadblocks. By taking one action at a time "We shall draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival. " -Winston Churchill…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 31 - Part 3 : Life - surviving and struggling to survive 6:59
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6:59Episode 31 - Part 3 : Life - surviving and struggling to survive Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empowerment-diary/201408/why-do-some-people-survive-and-others-struggle - All you have to do is develop the right strategies. Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. Overcoming your struggles is an up and down battle. Lots of ups and downs, in fact. But you need both the peaks and the valleys in order to keep moving forward. The ups remind you of where you want to go and the downs push you to get there. “Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward.” – Henry Ford - Give Yourself Time Although the whole purpose of this guide is to help you get over whatever obstacles are placed in your way, one of the very first things you want to do is give yourself time to process what happened. How much time should you take? - Don’t Panic This is the same type of control you want to have when you’re faced with a setback. Yes, give yourself time to adjust, but don’t panic either as that’s not going to help the situation at all. In fact, it would likely hurt it more than anything because then you just might do something you regret. “All you need is the plan, the road map, and the courage to press on to your destination.” – Earl Nightingale - Make Peace with Your Failures “Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure.” More importantly, is that how you want to live the rest of your life? Not doing all of the things you’re fully capable of doing because you simply gave up? - Cut Yourself Some Slack (But Don’t Let Go of the Rope). He basically cuts himself some slack, but still pushes forward so that, in the end, he winds up ahead. - Regain Your Control Dr. Greg Winch, psychologist and author of The Squeaky Wheel, says that regaining as much control over your situation as possible is necessary as it can help you “…avoid feeling helpless and hopeless.” This means looking at what actions you can take to help you overcome whatever obstacle is in your way. - Let Yourself Be Vulnerable Most people see vulnerability as weakness, but it’s actually the exact opposite. In Daring Greatly, Brené Brown says, “Rather than sitting on the sidelines…we must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen. This is vulnerability.” Even though you might be tempted to “sit on the sidelines,” watching all of your “teammates” who are still on the field, this will keep you in that one spot….out of the game.Instead, let yourself be vulnerable by choosing to re-engage and take part again. - Learn From Your Experience Our first option is simply to “conform to it”…to give in to the fear and insecurities where it stops us from progressing. The other option, is to “…humbly embrace failure as the great teacher and refining fire" “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” - Thomas Edison - Take a “Five-Step Pause” In Get Out of Your Own Way, authors Mark Goulston and Phillip Goldberg share that an effective way to get your mind back on the right track after a setback involves taking “The Five-Step Pause,” an action plan designed to help you react consciously instead of impulsively, potentially doing something you’ll later regret. 5 Second Pause - Increase your physical awareness. Pay attention to yourself physically, noticing any sensations (tenseness, fatigue, or pain) you may be experiencing in different areas of your body. - Increase your emotional awareness. With each sensation, ask yourself which emotion is causing it. Is it fear? Anxiety? Frustration? - Increase your impulse awareness. Do these emotions compel you to want to do something…to take action? - Increase your consequence awareness. If you were to do that “something,” what are the short and long-term consequences? - Increase your solution awareness. What other solutions exist? Which one would be most advantageous? "Survival was my only hope, success my only revenge." -Patricia Cornwell…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 31 - Part 2 : Life, Surviving and Struggling to survive 11:31
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11:31Episode 31 Part 2 : Life, Surviving and Struggling to survive Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://medium.com/@anthony_moore/living-an-extraordinary-life-means-giving-up-a-normal-one-31fd54738214 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empowerment-diary/201408/why-do-some-people-survive-and-others-struggle - Evolving is painful. But this is what is required to live an extraordinary life. You must give up the "normal" life for something far more valuable. The more you evolve into the best version of yourself, the more you'll be required to give up. You'll reach a point where you'll no longer be able to tolerate negative relationships. Eating bad food. Spending your time on time-wasting activities. "Live like no one else now, so later you can live like no one else." -Dave Ramsey "Good is the enemy of great. And that is one of the key reasons why we have so little that becomes great. Few people attain great lives, in large part because it is just so easy to settle for a good life." -Jim Collins, Good to Great - You have to give up something in order to accomplish something else. All great opportunities costs "good" ones. An extraordinary life costs a "normal" life. You can't have both. You will have to sacrifice something that you value less than whatever it is you ultimately want. "It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation. " -Herman Melville Everyone has different, unique things they'll need to sacrifice in order to begin living an extraordinary life. But there are 3 things everyone will need to give up. - Security and Certainty One of the cornerstones of an extraordinary life is giving up the safety nets, security, and guarantees of a normal life. Maybe this is a steady paycheck at a job that will never allow you to reach your full potential. Maybe it's the static 9–5 schedule. Maybe it's a guaranteed retirement plan. - Fear of Judgement "The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you." -Bette Midler Trying to explain your extraordinary life to others will begin to seem like a lost cause. Most people are afraid you'll achieve the dreams they never did, and so they attempt to protect themselves from that failure by bringing you down. The extraordinary life looks crazy to an outsider. They don't understand it, and they're afraid of it. - You must ignore this. You will never succeed if you continue to take more stock in what your critics say than what you belief about yourself. - Other People's Definition of Success But, giving up other people's definition of success is incredibly liberating and ultimately leads to the fullest expression of who you are and what matters to you.It's not a one-time thing. It's a daily habit of comparing less and creating more. "Success" doesn't just mean what the larger mob of society says it means: "lots of money, fame, and fortune." Many people with fame, fortune, and lots of money have terribly empty, imbalanced lives. Your success isn't defined by what other people say. "Success is continuously improving who you are, how you live, how you serve, and how you relate." -Benjamin P. Hardy - No one can define your success but you. If you continue to let others tell you what success is, you'll never reach it. Even if you did, it wouldn't be a true success, because it's not what you really valued. Ultimately, it's up to you what you're willing to sacrifice to achieve an extraordinary life. There is no formula. But one thing is certain: you will need to sacrifice. - The cost of an extraordinary life is great. Is it worth it to you? "Keeping an active mind has been vital to my survival, as has been maintaining a sense of humor." - Stephen Hawking…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 31 - Part 1 : Life - surviving and struggling to survive 11:26
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11:26Episode 31 - Part 1 : Life - surviving and struggling to survive Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://open.buffer.com/survive-thrive/ - Book called The Beethoven Factor by Paul Pearsall, Ph.D., a clinical neuropsychologist. Pearsall wrote about being inspired to creativity through adversity, and he believes that we can become resilient and transformed by difficulty. - When faced with adversity, once you pass the survival phase, you move into the thriving phase, which pushes you towards the next level of growth and transformation, and ultimately to a sense of empowerment. This process is often seen amongst cancer survivors or those faced with situations such as PTSD. Pearsall wisely states, “Thrivers share their experiences not from the perspective of “Look what I did” but from the orientation of “Don’t worry. Look at what you can do.” - We cannot underestimate the importance of surrounding ourselves with positive thinkers and good relationships, living in a thriving environment, embracing each day, and working on yourself by understanding what brings you joy, what makes your heart sing, and what emotional triggers set you down a negative or unhealthy path. - We must walk through the doors of both positive and negative experiences without letting negative experiences overpower us. Instead, they should empower us. - Remember that there is always someone in worse pain; accept that pain is temporary and will pass. She also reminds us that kindness to others can make you feel better in the course of our struggles, or when we are overwhelmed by life’s challenges. Hemingway says, “We become stronger at the broken places.” - How do you deal with setbacks? “When you're in a Slump, you're not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.” - Dr. Seuss The Different Types of Obstacles We Face - Although setbacks, roadblocks, and defeats are all obstacles standing between where you are now and where you want to be, each one represents a different “level” of challenge. Setbacks are usually relatively minor, “hiccups” really in that they don’t actually stop you. They’re more like a speed bump…they simply slow you down. Roadblocks are obstacles that do a little bit more than just slow you down. Again, you can bounce back from these types of issues, but it’s going to take some time Defeats are the mothers of all setbacks and roadblocks…the life-changers that can force you to do a complete 180 ° These are TKOs…total knockouts! Not only are you on your back, but you are down for the count! The good news is, no matter which one you face—a setback, roadblock, or a defeat—you don’t have to raise your hand and surrender. "Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival." -C. S. Lewis - When face-to-face with a career-related obstacle, some of people cast blame. They point to all of the reasons or all of the circumstances that “put” them where they are. Another “normal” response to a setback, roadblock, or defeat is anger…like you’ve just been unjustly convicted of a crime you didn’t commit. While it’s understandable to feel frustrated, sad, angry, and scared when dealing with a career- related obstacle, these types of “normal” responses present an issue because one of these negative reactions, feelings or responses will help you get wherever it is you want to go. - Setbacks Happen to Everyone (Even Really Successful People) Every successful person, the ones we tend to look to for inspiration in our own lives, has faced their fair share of setbacks before, during and after achieving something great. The larger mob of society will never experience true success. Why? Because this majority is unwilling to become the CEO of their life?-?they'd rather someone else call the shots. Living an Extraordinary Life Means Giving Up a Normal One "If you want to live an exceptional and extraordinary life, you have to give up many of the things that are part of a normal one." -Srinivas Rao…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 30 - Part 3: Being true to yourself and who you are 12:23
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12:23Episode 30 - Part 3: Being true to yourself and who you are Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://tinybuddha.com/blog/dare-to-live-10-unconventional-ways-to-be-true-to-yourself/ It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are. – E. E. Cummings Each and every one of us has a destiny, a true life path, a deeply significant soul mission. When we innocently listen to others and try to conform our lives to their expectations, we come out of alignment with our ultimate life purpose. We are taught since childhood to listen to our “elders” and be obedient to society. But although fitting in helped us to learn the lesson we needed as children, pleasing others becomes an outdated pattern of living in adulthood. - Take responsibility for your happiness Seriously sit down and think about this: are other people responsible for making you happy, or are you responsible for your happiness? When we aren’t being true to ourselves we tend to let others (or fate) take hold of our lives. - Get out of your mind and into your heart We need both the mind and heart to work in unison with each other, yet we are taught to worship the mind and trivialize the heart. If your mind is constantly racing and full of thoughts, take a step back. Find some way to relax your mind so that you can listen to your heart again. - Deliberately remove unsupportive and toxic people It’s important that we show compassion to negative and judgmental people, but we don’t have to keep them around. Think about people who you would prefer not to be around, and experiment with distancing yourself from them. If you discover that you life is much lighter with certain people gone, make the decision to cut them out of your life, with kindness. "To become conscious and aware, we must become authentic. Authenticity is the highest form of being." -Teal Swan - Stop avoiding yourself Rediscover who you are. Sit down and explore your thoughts in a journal or find a way of expressing your feelings through art, movement or some form of creativity. You don’t need to be a perfectionist: just allow yourself to reconnect with your inner self. Be kind to yourself. We all mess up once in a while. When it happens and you finally catch on, drop your ego, admit your mistake fully, and make amends. - Accept yourself and stop trying to be “likable” If you feel that being hated or disliked is one of the worst things that could happen to you, you’re likely a people-pleaser. People-pleasers have a very frail sense of self as everything they do is centered around gaining approval and recognition from others. In order to move past people-pleasing, you need to learn how to find self-worth within yourself, rather than from others. - Learn how to say “no” and walk away When we base our self-worth on the opinions of others, we tend to struggle with being assertive and drawing boundaries. Saying “yes” to people and commitments when we want to say “no” is one of the most depleting and disempowering choices we can make. There is nothing noble about self-sacrifice, especially when it’s fuelled by fear. "Living from a place of authenticity is difficult because those living in distortion see you as a threat to their delusion and some are so attached to that delusion that they will behave in erratic ways to defend their ego’s projection of wounding." -Suzanne Wagner - Connect with your feelings more Do you have a habit of repressing your emotions? If you feel a sense of inner numbness or disconnection from yourself/others, pay attention. The more you bury your emotions, the more they fester within your unconscious mind and manifest as illnesses, nervous breakdowns, explosion of rage, and even mental illnesses. - Forgive yourself Does a part of you feel like you’re unworthy of living a completely full and happy life? Forgive this self-loathing part of you. If you find it hard to forgive, forgive your lack of forgiveness. Letting go of any anger that you hold towards yourself will help you to find the freedom to make real change and live a life that feels authentic. - Be honest with yourself Tell the truth: are you really happy? Is this how you pictured your life? Learning how to be true to yourself is all about honesty and transparency. You might be able to deceive yourself for a little while, but eventually the truth will come out, so you might as well be honest. As the proverb goes, “the truth shall set you free.” "The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Friedrich Nietzsche - Don’t hate those who stumble; we all do sometimes. We all make mistakes. It’s part of being human. If you can, forgive and allow compassion into your relationships. It makes the ride more beautiful. - Remember that death makes life real. Death can come at any moment, to any of us. We don’t have forever to be who we are. In fact, we owe it to ourselves and those we love to be truly alive and authentic in each moment. It is the only legacy we can be proud to leave behind. Don’t worry too much about making mistakes. - Dare to dream Throw all social respectability out the window! What is calling your heart? What do you feel passionate about? What secret dream have you had since childhood? Don’t let other people’s opinions tie you down – only you can ultimately discover what your ultimate life path is. Only you can listen to the call of your soul. So dare to dream a little. "I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live by the light that I have. I must stand with anybody that stands right, and stand with him while he is right, and part with him when he goes wrong." -Abraham Lincoln…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 24: Jealousy and Envy - Looks and sounds the same, but not the same 10:43
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10:43Episode 24: Jealousy and Envy - Looks and sounds the same, but not the same Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/24/jealousy-envy_n_5186248.html Are you craving attention from a person whose focus is on someone else? Do you desire attributes that are possessed by another? When you experience jealousy or envy, you have measured your sense of your self against your image of another person and arrived at a conclusion that was motivated by the biological signal of the affect of shame. "Never underestimate the power of jealousy and the power of envy to destroy; never underestimate that" - Oliver Stone And so envy is a two-person situation whereas jealousy is a three-person situation. Envy is a reaction to lacking something. Both jealousy and envy involve comparisons and contrasts. Comparison suggests similarity or equivalence, whereas contrast focuses on differences. At times you may compare yourself with another, but most often you will be focused upon contrasts based on negative feelings. "Travel and tell no one. Live a true love story and tell no one. Live happily and tell no one. People ruin beautiful things" - Khalil Gibran If you ask people to describe a situation in which they felt jealous, they are as likely to describe an experience of envy (e.g., "I wished I had my friend's good looks") as of jealousy (e.g., "my girlfriend danced with an attractive guy"). Naturally, this creates a sense that jealousy and envy are very similar—even though they are actually quite different. The second problem is that envy and jealousy often travel together. This means that when you are feeling jealous, you are often feeling envious as well. And yet envy and jealousy are not the same emotions. "You can be the moon and still be jealous of the stars." - Gary Allan One definition of the difference is that envy happens when you wish you had something that someone else has, while jealousy is fear that something you have is being taken away by someone else. What happens if we welcome the envy and jealousy as just messengers from our emotional system? Messengers trying to bring something important to our attention. And how does that feel inside? Always you can ask the same question, and feel, and see what answer comes. You’re just telling yourself the truth. "Success is liking yourself, liking what you do and liking how you do it" - Maya Angelou Jealousy seems to be heavily rooted in self-esteem. Changing your perception of yourself can help lessen feelings of jealousy. This is the idea that there are many ways to define yourself — for instance, you can be a father, a professor and a soccer player, all at once — but you’re not always going to be working all of these aspects of yourself at one time. Envy is an emotional pain, and oftentimes emotional pain translates into physical pain. It’s so painful to be inferior to someone else, that you can’t tolerate it. The goal of the envious person is to reduce the pain, and they will do everything that will help them reduce the pain Envy and competitiveness seem to be linked. Competitiveness seems to be highly related to envy, though it’s still not known which causes the other. “It can be that competitive people are more successful because of their envy, which drives them to succeed, or it can be that because they’re envious, they are considered to be competitive,” Cohen-Charash says. "A flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it. It just blooms." - Koshin Ogui…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 23 - Part 2 - Jealousy : Smothering love to death 14:55
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14:55Episode 23 - Part 2 - Jealousy : Smothering love to death Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License "More Technology, but we have less communication. We have become long on quantity but short on quality. These are times of fast foods, but slow digestion; tall man, but short character;steep profits, but shallow relationships. It is time when there is much in the window but nothing in the room." - The dalai Lama The inability to tolerate negative emotions, especially sadness and loneliness, is common with irrational jealousy. Frequently, though, due to fear of experiencing the unpleasant emotions, individuals will become stuck in the grief especially the anger stage of grief. Anger is a self-protective emotion that is often easier for people than the overwhelming sadness. "An idle mind is the devil's playground" - Proverb HOW DO YOU STOP IRRATIONAL JEALOUSY? Step 1. Stop jealous behaviors. - Review and monitor your behaviors to pick up any excessive jealousy. - what you need to consider is that the most destructive thing to your relationship is your jealous behaviors. These can be addressed immediately even if you haven't changed the underlying causes of the jealousy. Therefore, the first step is to identify the jealous behaviors. Make a list of the behaviors in which you engage that create problems in your relationship. If possible, talk to your significant other and find out what bothers him or her. "More than jealousy or possessiveness, pettiness kills love" - Marty Rubin Step 2. Challenge Irrational Thoughts. Underlying the jealous emotions and behavior are the irrational thoughts. A fixed desire is any kind of belief that demands a certain outcome for the person to be happy. A jealous person may have a belief such as "This person must love me or I can't be happy." This type of belief is a demand that potentially leads to thoughts such as "I must make this person love me" or "I must make sure he/she doesn't leave me." These thoughts then will lead to attempts to control the other person or to other jealous behaviors such as suspiciousness and questioning. "Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening." - Maya Angelou Step 3. Stop Jealous Self-Talk Refuse to engage in the jealous self-talk. Whenever you engage in the jealous self-talk, internally tell yourself to "shut up." You may need to do this repeatedly, but you want to do whatever is necessary to not listen to yourself on this topic. If you worked through the above exercise involving identifying the irrational self-talk about the jealousy, you have probably identified some statements that occur frequently. Sometimes there may not be a clear statement, but instead, you may have images. Frequently, jealous people will have images of their loved one with another person. "The jealous are possessed by a mad devil and a dull spirit at the same time" - johann kaspar lavater Step 4. Improve Self-Esteem Remember that irrational jealousy is not about your spouse but is about yourself. Use the presence of jealous feelings to remind yourself that you need to focus on improving your self-esteem. Although improving self-esteem is another entire topic to itself, generally, you need to give yourself positive self-statements and engage in behaviors that make you feel good about yourself. "Being jealous of a beautiful woman is not going to make you more beautiful" - Zsa Zsa Gabor…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 23 - Part 1 - Jealousy : Smothering love to death 11:47
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11:47Episode 23 - Part 1 - Jealousy : Smothering love to death Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.excelatlife.com/articles/your_jealousy2.htm Jealousy is a complex emotion that encompasses feelings ranging from fear of abandonment to rage and humiliation. Jealousy strikes both men and women and is most typically aroused when a person perceives a threat to a valued relationship from a third party. The threat may be real or perceived. It is not limited to romantic relationships but also can arise among siblings competing for parental attention or in friendships. Jealous - intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness, hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage, vigilant in guarding a possession Although jealousy is a painful emotional experience, evolutionary psychologists regard it not as an emotion to be suppressed but as one to heed—it is a signal, a wake-up call, that a valued relationship is in danger and steps need to be taken to regain the affection of one's mate or friend. In this regard, jealousy is a necessary emotion because it preserves social bonds. It motivates people to engage in behaviors that maintain an important relationship. "Jealousy would be far less torturous if we understood that love is a passion entirely unrelated to our merits" - Paul Eldridge jealousy—fear of losing a lover, lack of trust, anger at real or imagined attention to others, the need to control a loved one. While jealousy can sometimes provoke positivity and a realization of taking things for granted, it's all about the extent of it as we're more inclined to associate jealousy with negative tactics, from vigilance to violence. The jealous spouse often desperately wants to stop the behavior but finds that he can't control the thoughts which makes him feel miserable. He believes that if he can just prove his suspicions one way or another, he will feel better. The unfortunate fallacy in this thinking, is that trust can never be proven; it can only be disproved. The definition of trust is the belief that something is true. Therefore, without evidence to the contrary, if we want a satisfying relationship, we have to choose to trust the person we love. "The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torn to themselves" - William Penn One of the most difficult things for human beings, in general, is not knowing something with 100% certainty. We are often afraid to trust because we are fearful of disappointment and hurt. Yet, these attempts to protect ourselves may actually be the means with which we destroy that which we are trying to preserve. In other words, a woman may eventually destroy her marriage because she is too fearful to take the chance of trusting that her husband is faithful. As a result, she causes the loss and pain that she was trying to prevent. A fear of vulnerability is the inability to let our guard down, to let another person know us completely. This fear usually derives from a fear of rejection due to the belief that if we let someone else truly know us, we will ultimately be rejected. Again, the fallacy in this belief, is that if we don't allow our spouse to know us, if we don't allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we are preventing the development of emotional intimacy which is essential to any relationship. "Jealousy is the fear of comparison" - Max Frisch Emotional intimacy is the most important type of intimacy in a relationship. It is required for the relationship to fully mature. Without it, all we have is the initial surface attraction to the other person which cannot be maintained indefinitely. However, when we find emotional intimacy with another person, we discover the most intensely fulfilling experience that exists. And that is, the full acceptance of our self by another person. The more you are aware of your behaviors and other's behavior that may maintain the beliefs, then you will be able to make better choices that can allow you to control the jealousy. In fact, the development of awareness can't be emphasized enough. You may need to spend some time at this point to assess your jealousy, the behaviors, and the outcomes based on the behaviors. "jealousy is all the fun you think they had" - Erica Jong…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 22 - Envy : Challenging contentment by comparison 13:44
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13:44Envy - Challenging contentment by comparison Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License Am I really falling behind? Is anybody actually keeping score? Did any of these people post any of the updates with the intent of making me feel bad? Of course not. A feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck. "Envy is the art of counting another's blessings instead of your own" - Harold Coffin Envy is a secretly held emotion. If you are envious of someone it's unlikely that you will admit it to anyone, except perhaps to someone who might also be envious of that other person and will participate with you in denigrating them. Talk about growing up and friends buying handphone. "Do not overrate what you have received nor envy others. He who envies others does not obtain peace of mind" - Gautama Buddha Envy has to do with feeling unhappy about the success of someone else, or about what they have and, at the same time, secretly feeling inferior yourself. If you are envious of someone you may want to put them down, as though this will raise you up or lower everyone else's opinion of them. Envy has many manifestations. For example, it is possible to mistake attraction to another person for what is actually your envy of them. The hostility that you might experience with envy of a competitor is missing in this instance because the expectation is that you will get the envied attribute by association. How do we respond when we encounter people who are more successful than we are? Often, we imagine two paths: admiration and envy. Admiration is seen as a noble sentiment—we admire people for admiring others, detecting, in their admiration, a suggestion of taste and humility. "Envy is a gun with a faulty breech-lock which flares back and burns the gunner" - Austin O'Malley Don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides. You have no idea what it took for them to get there. Don’t act like this was unearned, effortless, or pure dumb luck. Because it’s much easier to look at someone “up there” and envy what they’ve got than it is to ask the tougher questions: When we reflect on these questions, we shift immediately out of comparison mode and turn inwards, to face the heart of the matter: our own desires and fears. Talk about envy about other families that had "stable" and great family relationships with parents. Transform comparison into celebration Admiration and envy are responses that point us toward what we value most. And when we become aware of what we value, we are much better positioned to create a life that’s richly satisfying. "Envy comes from people's ignorance of, or lack of belief in, their own gifts" - Jean Vanier…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 21 - Trust and trusting people; a side story and warning 14:09
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14:09Trust and trusting people; a side story and warning Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License - Loneliness exposes people to a diverse range of significant risks to mental and physical well- being. It affects people of all ages, but is often triggered by particular life events such as bereavement, poor health, or cognitive impairment. Facilitating social engagement in community activities to promote older people’s self-esteem can help build their resilience. This can then reduce the likelihood that they will respond to scams. Stockholm syndrome and providing support by being there for the victim. "Don't trust everything you see. Even salt looks like sugar" - Maryum Ahsam The phrase was reported to have been coined by criminologist and psychiatrist Nils Bejerot. It was formally named in 1973 when four hostages were taken during a bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden. There are four key components that generally lead to the development of Stockholm syndrome: A hostage's development of positive feelings towards their captor No previous hostage-captor relationship A refusal by hostages to co-operate with police forces and other government authorities A hostage's belief in the humanity of their captor, for the reason that when a victim holds the same values as the aggressor, they cease to be perceived as a threat. "A classic example is domestic violence, when someone - typically a woman - has a sense of dependency on her partner and stays with him," says psychologist Jennifer Wild, a consultant clinical psychologist at the University of Oxford. "She might feel empathy rather than anger. Child abuse is another one - when parents emotionally or physically abuse their children, but the child is protective towards them and either doesn't speak about it or lies about it." "It takes 20 years to build a reputation and 5 minutes to ruin it" - Warren Buffett If it seems to good to be true; it probably is. People can only offer and tempt you, it's your responsibility if you fell for it. To trust or not to trust, that is the question When in doubt, exercise caution. However, what usually happens to us is that the excitement of the new project makes us open ourselves up too much, to the point of sharing the wrong information with the wrong people. Take a step back and re-look. If it is REALLY as good as it seems, it can surely wait while you do some due digilience. After all; you owe it to yourself to be careful. "Trust yourself, you know more than you think you do." - Benjamin Spock Reliability is undoubtedly the cornerstone. Entrust your wishes and dreams with those who have shown you on other occasions that you can trust them, people that don’t judge you and that always accept you for who you are. Trust is to be earned Being guarded about whom I trust is not limited to money situations. I am also extremely careful to whom I provide information I would not want shared. I have learned the best way to keep information private is not to tell anyone, including those you trust. Let me also suggest being cautious of anyone who indicates any religious affiliation. While I am a person of faith, I don’t talk about my faith in business situations or when I am trying to earn someone’s trust. When people start talking about their faith in order to gain your trust, be extra careful. You have nothing to lose by being cautious, guarding your trust until people have proven they are trustworthy. At the same time, you have everything to lose, including your savings, damaged relationships, and your reputation, if you give away your trust easily. "Trust, but verify" - Ronald Reagan It doesn't make what was done right, but it does mean you should have been more careful. BUT we live and learn. Because all of us were once there and have failed too. So; don't be too hard on yourself, but you need to have learnt the lesson.…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 20 - Trust: Once burnt twice shy? 13:23
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13:23Trust: Once burnt twice shy? Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License Trust—the act of placing confidence in someone or something else—is a fundamental human experience, necessary for society to function and for any person to be relatively happy. Without it, fear rules. If you can sense that someone will hurt you, you’re probably right. They probably will hurt you. Your heart and your head will wage a civil war within you, and though all of your practical sensibilities will encourage — no, will urge — your head to secede, your heart will prevail in this scenario. "To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don't grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float." Alan Watts Here’s three common reasons that hold you back from trusting others: 1. You have a low propensity to trust – Our propensity to trust is based on many factors, chief among them being our personality, early childhood role models and experiences, beliefs and values, culture, self-awareness and emotional maturity. 2. You have unrealistic expectations – Unrealistic, unspoken, and unclear expectations are a primary cause for low or broken trust in relationships, and the higher the expectations the more likely it is they won’t be met. Clarifying expectations is preventative medicine when it comes to trust. 3. Past hurts hold you back – Hurt people, those who have been hurt by broken relationships in the past often hurt other people in a dysfunctional form of self-protection. "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new" - Albert Einstein Everyone has uncertainty about whom to trust, how much to trust, when not to trust, and so forth at one time or another. In fact, every day we make choices about whom and how much to trust, and sometimes we are more willing to trust than at other times. Signs that a person may be excessively mistrustful include: A total lack of intimacy or friendships due to mistrust Mistrust that interferes with one's primary relationship Several intensely dramatic and stormy relationships in a row or at once Mistrust is a valid and reasoned response to feeling betrayed or abandoned, but a person's life can be adversely affected when feelings of mistrust are pervasive, resulting in anxiety, anger, or self-doubt. "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough" - Frank Crane The problem with thinking that people aren’t trust worthy If you believed in any idea then your subconscious mind will gather for you all the clues that proves this idea true. If a girl thinks that she should never trust a guy then her subconscious mind will let her fall in love with a liar who will then cheat on her just to prove to her that she should not trust anyone. That’s why some women tend to always get into abusive relationships. Because they think that all men are abusers their subconscious minds always finds them abusive guys to support their beliefs. How to Trust people Again "The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them" - Ernest Hemingway Whenever you have problems trusting someone ask yourself these questions, if someone wasn’t trust worthy does this mean that the whole world is not? If I had a car accident one day does this mean that I should not cross the street anymore? Whenever you find yourself prejudging others remind yourself that your subconscious mind can prove this idea even if it was false. The only way you can find the truth about people is avoiding any kind of bias, only then you will discover who is really trust worthy and who isn’t . Allow others to trust you by being honest. People who cheat on others and who lie often usually have problems trusting others because they think that everyone else is going to be like them. "Love all. Trust a few. Do wrong to none." William Shakespeare…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 19 - Opinions: Everyone and their dog has one 13:42
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13:42Opinions: Everyone and their dog has one Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License "Opinion is the medium between knowledge and ignorance" - Plato Humans are social animals. -We spend our entire lives applying for acceptance into a social circles. Whether it be a clique at school, a university, a job with a company, or a movement, we’re always looking for a pace to belong. -When your community starts to form negative opinions about you, your work, or any other aspect of your life, you naturally start to feel insecure. Your sense of safety dissolves and you feel forced to fight back or run away and hide in your room for the rest of eternity. 1.) Calibrate and trust your internal compass. First and foremost, you have to have a strong sense of who you are. If you don’t know who you are, anyone’s misinformed opinion can shatter your entire sense of self worth. This forms your internal compass which you have to trust. Trust yourself and trust that you can, and do, make good decisions. "Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought" - John F Kennedy 2.) Get comfortable disagreeing with others. Just because someone doesn’t agree with you (personally or professionally) doesn’t mean their shitty shit-faced people who should be skewered and fed to a shit load of shitty dinosaurs. As long as you’ve completed #1 you should have no problem having a fun discussion about your differing opinions with others. 3.) Practice, practice, practice. Speak your mind often. But practice honesty with mindfulness and kindness, as previously covered. Now, don’t go out and start giving unsolicited free advice. That’s annoying. But whenever you’re in a position to give your opinion or contribute to a discussion, do it. The more practice you have speaking your mind, the more negative (and positive) feedback you’ll get. You’ll naturally get better at handling this feedback in a way that’s not self-destructive. "Stubborn and ardent clinging to one's opinion is the best proof of stupidity" - Michel de Montaigne 4.) Manage your expectations. What are you expecting from this person and what conclusion are you drawing from their opinion? Do you expect everyone to like you or what you do? "Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone elses opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation" - Oscar Wilde 5.) Get real. The majority of the opinions other people have about you will not affect you. The world doesn’t change just because people agree with you. If you’re not ok with who you are, all of the positive feedback in the world won’t make you like yourself while one negative opinion will shatter your fragile, fictional sense of self-worth. It’s Ok I’m not asking you to ignore everyone’s opinion. I’m not telling you not to care about the opinions of others. I’m not even asking you not to feel bad over negative opinions. "The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions" Leonardo Da Vinci…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 18 - Part 2: 3 Ps in driving success: Patience, Perseverance, Persistence 11:15
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11:15Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License Perseverance. Definition: consistent continuation in the act of a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties,obstacles, or discouragement. "Few things are impossible to diligence and skill. Great works are performed not by strength, but by perseverance." - Samuel Johnson Perseverance is the continuation of commitment through action in spite of the lack of success. It is also the ability to overcome the repetitiveness of problems from difficult situations. Perseverance is all about having stamina and endurance during the time of struggle. "With ordinary talent and extraordinary perseverance, all things are attainable" - thomas fowell buxton Whether you’re working to master a skill that will qualify you for the next step up in your profession, or fielding interruptions from kids while you try to finish a household task, your success often hinges on your ability to refocus on your goal again and again. "The key to success is action, and the essential in action is perseverance." - Sun Yat-sen Always keep an end goal and the bigger picture in mind. If you want something different out of life, you need to act and be different. If you want the same as everyone else then you can act the same as everyone else. Trust me, that’s much easier. It’s easy to swim with the school. It’s much more difficult to swim upstream and go against the grain. But you have to persevere and be more than the average. You need to ask yourself what you want out of life. Is it worth persevering for? "Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did". - Newt Gingrich Persistence. Definition: to continue steadfastly or firmly in some state, purpose, course of action, or the like Persistence is the choice to continue something, in spite of difficulty and opposition, and struggle to achieve that goal. The single-mindedness of a person brings out the dedication that he or she wants and needs in order to achieve their dream. "A river cuts through a rock not because of it's power but it's persistence" - Jim Watkins All of us have plans, but we plan with the ideal outcomes in mind. Unfortunately, life never turns out that way. A tragedy could occur; some unfortunate circumstance. Anything basically; that could throw your plan out of the window. Instead; persist. Stick to your plan. Ignore the noise. Keep a spreadsheet on your computer, a picture on your wall, a scale in the bathroom, a checklist on your refrigerator. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Whatever you need to keep reminding yourself why you’re doing whatever you’re doing and keep persisting. "After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb" - Nelson Mandela Sometimes persistence is mind-numbingly boring. It's just part of the process. A lack of persistence or "giving up too soon" is one of the most common reasons for failure in any endeavor. A little more persistence, a little more effort is sometimes what you need to get closer to the goal. "If you wish to be out front, act as if you were behind." —Lao Tzu Again, all the planning and preparation is important. But it doesn't stop there. And, in the long run, you'll need patience along with perseverance to overcome the inevitable obstacles you'll run into in your journey down the path of success. Perseverance is the intentional and creative part of endurance. Being patient and persistent will get you started on your journey. Persevering will use the patience and persistence you've developed to overcome the many different obstacles you'll encounter along the road to success. Keeping on is persistence and the definition of perseverance: to keep on keeping on . "Winners never quit, and quitters never win" - Vince Lombardi…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 18 - Part 1: 3 Ps in driving success: Patience, Perseverance, Persistence 10:30
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10:303 Ps in driving success: Patience, Perseverance, Persistence Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.huffingtonpost.com/malcolm-levene/the-relevance-of-the-3-ps-patience-perseverance- persistence_b_9608116.html Patience. Definition: able to accept or tolerate delays, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious. As the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like. "Patience is bitter, but it's fruit is sweet" - Aristotle Be patient Go through all the steps of research, development and marketing. But just because you know better than to fall for the slick, get-rich-quick scams. This is hard. You may be unemployed and going into business just because you can't find work. You need the money and it's tempting to rush the process. Keep your feelings and motivations in mind and monitor yourself. The best way to speed up the process is to use your strengths and/or enter a market you already know thoroughly because you are part of it. Make a product you already know very well how to make that matches the market. Remember, no matter how well you've done your job, significant results are unlikely to come quickly. You may start receiving income right away, but it probably won't be huge. (Unless, of course, you are already well-known or get interviewed on Oprah.) Be patient, in most instances overnight success takes a while. Patience is absolutely necessary if you want to achieve anything. Almost nothing in life is instant, unless you go out and win the lottery. You have to know that the best things in life are worth working hard and waiting for. Great achievements often take years to attain. And so you also must need to have patience. Any great goal you have in life likely requires a long period of sustained effort. If you lack patience, you’ll likely burn out and give up before you reach the promised land. Don’t give up! "The secret of patience is to do something else in the meantime." -Croft M. Pentz tempering your ego, and reducing an over inflated sense of importance. Ego tends to heighten the all about me syndrome. So when things are not going our way, we tend to become irritable, lose patience and want it now! That used to be me. Then, by realising that I wasn’t the most important item in the lives of others, my awareness kicked in, as did my empathy. I do expect others to find their way to doing so. With more patience, our personal growth becomes a smoother journey. One way to reduce our impatience is to lower our expectations. That way, almost any response, or no response becomes more acceptable. "A moment of Patience in a moment of Anger saves a thousand moments of Regret." - Ali Ibn Abu Talib…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 17 - Gratitude: the 1st step towards spreading kindness 14:50
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14:50Gratitude: the 1st step towards spreading kindness Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License http://happierhuman.com/benefits-of-gratitude/ Gratitude - a feeling of appreciation or thanks. The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. - Gratitude makes us happier. - Gratitude makes us nicer, more trusting, more social, and more appreciative. As a result, it helps us make more friends, deepen our existing relationships, and improve our marriage. - Gratitude makes us healthier. "Give thanks for a little and you will find a lot." - Hansa Merchant league - Gratitude boosts our career. I’m not suggesting that criticism and self-focus don’t have a place in the workplace, but I think we’re overdoing it. - Gratitude strengthens our emotions. - Gratitude makes us more optimistic. Gratitude is strongly correlated with optimism. Optimism in turn makes us happier, improves our health, and has been shown to increase lifespan by as much as a few years "Gratitude is riches, complaint is poverty" - Doris Day - Gratitude reduces materialism. Materialism is strongly correlated with reduced well-being and increased rates of mental disorder. There’s nothing wrong with wanting more. - Gratitude makes us less self-centered. - Gratitude increases self-esteem. Imagine a world where no one helps you. Despite your asking and pleading, no one helps you. "We often take for granted; the very things that most deserve our gratitude" -Cynthia Ozick - Gratitude reduces feelings of envy. A small bit of jealousy or envy directed at the right target is motivating. - Gratitude helps us bounce back. "Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." - William Arthur Ward -Choosing to be thankful causes you to stop looking outward for external reassurance, but to look inwardly and to remember the good fortune you've had, no matter how little it seems. - All of us could do better in life; that's a fact. But we could also do worse. And alot worse. This is the reality that we tend to take for-granted on a daily basis. In our quest for betterment and self-fulfillment, we tend (or choose) to overlook all the simple blessings that we have received in life. - My response is that not only will a grateful attitude help—it is essential. In fact, it is precisely under crisis conditions when we have the most to gain by a grateful perspective on life. Don’t get me wrong. I am not suggesting that gratitude will come easily or naturally in a crisis. It’s easy to feel grateful for the good things. No one “feels” grateful that he or she has lost a job or a home or good health or has taken a devastating hit on his or her retirement portfolio. - But being grateful is a choice, a prevailing attitude that endures and is relatively immune to the gains and losses that flow in and out of our lives. When disaster strikes, gratitude provides a perspective from which we can view life in its entirety and not be overwhelmed by temporary circumstances. Yes, this perspective is hard to achieve—but my research says it is worth the effort. - It works this way: Think of the worst times in your life, your sorrows, your losses, your sadness—and then remember that here you are, able to remember them, that you made it through the worst times of your life, you got through the trauma, you got through the trial, you endured the temptation, you survived the bad relationship, you’re making your way out of the dark. Remember the bad things, then look to see where you are now. "Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses." -Alphonse Karr…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 16: Dealing with hostility, keeping your head while everyone is losing theirs 13:05
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13:05Dealing with hostility, keeping your head while everyone is losing theirs Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License - In life; you can't choose the people you deal with, sometimes you can (i.e friends); but in other situations, you are stuck with people whom you may not be comfortable dealing with. That is a part and parcel of life; and you should consider it as a form of testing for yourself. - Don't Respond With Anger and don't inflame. "An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind" - Mahatma Gandhi. It's very natural to get upset when angry people confront you, regardless of whether their anger is justified. However, when somebody is being hostile and angry, reflecting the anger and/or hostility back never works. All you do is inflame the situation and invite further confrontation. Dealing with hostility involves looking at the bigger picture and seeing if winning this battle matters in the context of the bigger war. "Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." – Mark Twain - Don't respond, distance yourself emotionally and don't take it personally. People being angry and hostile doesn't mean that you're responsible for causing it. Sometimes, another person's anger has nothing to do with you. Sometimes the most effective way to hold up a mirror is to simply say nothing. When people are behaving badly, on some level deep inside, they know it. If they are really being hostile and continue to be aggressive, you might just respectfully walk away, saying, "Perhaps we should discuss this another time." “Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others.” — Paramhansa Yogananda - TRY to Identify the Cause and being the hero. View another's boorish behavior as an opportunity to gain respect. If you handle the situation calmly and in control, they will know it in their quiet moments of reflection. Furthermore, other people will become aware of the dignity with which you handled the situation, and you will thereby gain respect. Trying to determine why the person you're dealing with feels angry. -Let the person know you want to understand their feelings and perspective. If you don't understand them, ask for more information in a civil tone. They need to know that you really want to hear what they have to say. It's as if you're on the same side of the fence and are asking them for their help so you can understand them. - When working in emotionally demanding roles, chances are that you have to deal with angry people regularly. This "emotional labor" can be particularly draining, especially when people are not equipped to handle these situations. "Delicious baked goods were the great work hostility equalizer, no matter how unorthodox the workplace." - Molly Harper - Understand that offensive behavior is just on the surface of who they are. When speaking to them, talk to the deeper person underneath the hostility. Treat them as you would want to be treated. "if you avoid conflict to keep the peace you start a war inside yourself" - Cheryl Richardson - Communicate How You Feel. Sometimes a simple, firm, yet respectful statement like "It's not okay to speak that way" works well. You're simply letting the person know their behavior is not constructive but is, in fact, destructive and hurtful. -You may work or live with a person who frequently experiences angry outbursts. If so, once the anger has passed, it's important to communicate how this person's anger makes you feel. - Stay Safe, and Involve Others If you feel threatened by an angry person, trust your judgment. Leave the room immediately if you feel unsafe, or if you're too upset to resolve the situation on your own. Ask your boss or a trusted colleague to work with you to resolve the situation.…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 15 - Part 2: Luck. How far can it bring you? 10:56
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10:56Luck. How far can it bring you? Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License "I am a great believer in luck, and I find that the harder I work, the more I have of it" - Thomas Jefferson - Psychologists use the term hindsight bias to describe our tendency to think, after the fact, that an event was predictable even when it wasn’t. Hindsight bias, also known as the knew-it-all-along effect or creeping determinism, is the inclination, after an event has occurred, to see the event as having been predictable, despite there having been little or no objective basis for predicting it. People really don’t like to hear success explained away as luck—especially successful people. - Now when we tell stories, we're all biased; events that turned out negatively against us are easier to recall than those that were positive. Tom Gilovich calls this the headwinds/tailwinds Asymmetry - Life ultimately, is a numbers game. The more you put yourself out there, the harder you work, the more opportunities you expose yourself to; and the better your outcomes tend to be. Talk about future episode about the 3 Ps, Preserverence; patience and persistence. "Luck is a matter of preparation meeting opportunity" - Lucius Annaeus Seneca - We should keep working and exposing ourselves to opportunities. Similar to our episode on challenges and failures, we need to keep going. Because; like life, luck is a numbers' game; but one which actually works in our favor. - We need to remember that there is a full spectrum to what we consider as luck. Very good luck could happen whereby some people just happen to make the right moves at the right time or happen to know the right people or end up in the right set of circumstances. Or Very bad luck. Some people make all the right moves, but it’s not the right time. We covered this specifically in our episode on failures; and why you should just treat it as a failed number and move on and try a new approach. - Luck might give you the first opportunity, but you have to be ready to act on it. Not making the most or giving your all for opportunities just because you have been hurt from past failures will mean that you are sabotaging your own chances of success. "Luck always seems to be against the man who depends on it" - Anon - In the end, there are 2 ways to look at luck. The passive attitude on luck. In this case, you assume that success is outside of your control, and there’s no point in trying to hard since you assume you won't get it. And the positive attitude on luck. - More important than luck though; is gratitude. Almost all of us born and located in peaceful, developed countries. Even though we may not be doing "well" or be very wealthy or as successful as we want to be; we are most definitely doing much better than a similar person in a 3rd world country or in a country with war. - Instead of looking at luck and seeing missed chances, look at the luck and good fortune you HAVE benefited from. Be thankful and grateful; because Gratitude strengthens our emotions. - we may even find that recognizing our luck increases our good fortune; when we give more and become more generous, we increase our opportunities inadvertently.…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 15 - Part 1: Luck. How far can it bring you? 10:46
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10:46Luck. How far can it bring you? Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2016/05/why-luck-matters-more-than-you-might- think/476394/ - Definition: success or failure apparently brought by chance rather than through one's own actions. - Most people give luck more credit than it is due. Sunny skies that happened when you REALLY needed it? Luck. Cloudy and rainy day on someone else's parade? Bad luck. Also, we tend to blame luck when sometimes, a lack of planning on our side could be more likely. - Luck means different things to different people. Some people pick up a coin and call it lucky. Some people pick up the same coin and call it unlucky because it's associated with some bad history. - Some people go even further and associate fortune and luck with religion instead. That they were "chosen" to receive such good fortune when it favors them. And the same would also take it personally when it goes against them. - Talk about my own experience with luck and how; generally, I'm considered an "unlucky" person except when it comes to what matters in life - career, work and money (sometimes). Luck is ultimately a perspective thing. "The amount of good luck coming your way depends on your willingness to act" - Barbara Sher - In Frans Johansson’s book The Click Moment; he states that for activities with clear fixed rules; sports, chess, and music — the only way to succeed is to put in more deliberate practice than your peers. For activities with rapidly evolving and changing rules — such as business or investing — success comes when you change the rules to a new configuration that catches the opportunity at just the right time. - The reality would be something more in the middle. In both activities; it is the deliberate act of persistence and not giving up which would eventually open up more opportunities.…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 14: Breaking the rules; and getting away with it 11:37
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11:37Breaking the rules; and getting away with it Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License "Ethical behavior is doing the right thing when no one else is watching- even when doing the wrong thing is legal." - Aldo Leopold - Everybody loves a good "bad-boy" story about the person who broke rules and did well with it. - On the last episode on honesty, I talked about my gambling story and how I repaid my large debt. I'm not proud of what i did or why I had to do it but the point of that story was 2-fold; to illustrate that we all make mistakes and no one's perfect, and there are points in life where you have to make exceptions for what you believe in. - Life's never as simple as black-and-white. There's no one "final" or "one-size-fits-all" approach to everything. Which is both a good thing and bad. Good that because we know none of us are perfect; we will never be able to attain some kind of standard that needs to be met or applied. - Despite what it sounds like, people break the rules quite normally and on a daily basis. People cut queues, run through red lights; and while most of the times perfectly valid reasons, sometimes it can be mundane. - Every person who came to be regarded as a visionary had at some point or another, or even still continue to; break the rules. While that should not be used as an excuse, it's a good reminder that the people who set the rules themselves are failable and not perfect. - Talk about my own career and how I came to constitute a rule-breaker. - However, it's always good to consider some "rules" when you're thinking about breaking the rules. - Knowledge; you know how to differentiate a situation from the norm that requires a difference in the treatment that constitutes a breaking of the rules. You know enough to realize that the rules don’t make sense or they're wrong and you know what EXACTLY is required to make it right. - You've calculated the risk. Breaking the rule shouldn't be a decision to be made in the heat of a moment or done emotionally. Make sure you've done all the research and expanded ALL the effort necessary to ensure you ABIDE to the rules. - You're prepared for the consequences. It's interesting to talk about rules in the United States because here is a country and government that was founded on precisely the concepts of rule breaking when it decided to revolt against England. It's been regarded as "cool" to break the rules; in fact the whole concept of disruption in business is to challenge and break the status quo. However, you need to be ready to face consequences. - There's a fine line between being reckless and breaking rules for the greater good. Common sense needs to be the rule of the day. We need to be able to develop good common sense to know when to follow the rules and when to violate them? When to preserve beautiful order and when to flirt with anarchy? - If all of this sounds complicated; that's because it is. There is NO hard-and-fast rule as well, pardon the pun. So; be prepared to break the rules ONLY IF you have thought hard about it.…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 13: Honesty, the only policy? 13:47
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13:47Honesty, the only policy? Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-ann-kennedy/is-honesty-really-the-bes_b_6171242.html "Honesty without kindness, humor and goodheartedness can be just mean" - Pema Chodron - Talk about introduction and how advise needs to be properly applied. Like would you want someone to tell you that you're ugly; although beauty is in the eye of the beholder. - Talk about balance and how it's practical not just as a star wars movie plot. Extremes are never good because you're over-doing something. Most of us are taught from young to be honest. - It's worth to understand why people lie. FEAR – The world tells us that if you don't know something, you're worthless. As such, most people choose the easy way out, which is to pretend to know something. After all; con- sultants make a living out of this. Almost all of us practice this to some degree, making "fake it till you make it" something real. MANIPULATE – Now, a personal agenda is almost always a reason for lying; to influence the decisions of other people to do what the person lying wants. For example, the word "love" is probably the most over-used in lies in order to get the other person emotionally vested to serve the lying person's agenda. PRIDE – Most of us would think that we are above lying for the sake of it. But think about how often we have lied to people we love about the reality of a situation. For example, people who are not doing well normally try to project a different picture and even spend money they can't afford to spread that image. - Talk about how gambling debt was repaid - Everyone knows it's wrong to lie; we have been told about the consequences since we were young. However, all of us have tried honesty at some point or another. However, probably our approach should have been better because we misunderstood how to apply honesty. - The truth is honesty that when misused; honesty is often a veiled form of self- indulgence. This means that in a nutshell, when feelings build up, it’s frustrating to hold them in and keeping them to yourself. And, of course, it feels damn good to release them. That feel good sensation is a form of gratification. -It’s sad that our education at home and in school doesn’t include teaching us how to manage and handle our angry feelings in a safe and non-threatening manner. Since intimate relationships trigger negative feelings, this means most of us are mistreating the people we love most by lashing out and even verbally hurting those we love; all in the name of being honest. - Honesty isn’t a policy, it’s a value! Honesty needs to co-exist with other values. Values such as compassion, kindness, being positive, etc. It would definitely be honest of you to put down someone's lack of talent at something, for example your kid's drawing; but is it kind and helpful? How about being honest that your wife's put on some weight over the years and that she would look huge in that dress? Is it compassionate? Is your comment useful? - Honesty is a sought-after value, but so is common sense. And just like everything else, common sense needs to be applied when deciding when and where to be honest. Just like there are people who lie to advance their own agenda, so too are there people who apply honesty, truth, fairness, and equality on their terms. There's a right time for everything, so it is the same with honesty. - If there's a need to be honest, take some time off away to evaluate whether or not it'll be kind and useful for the other person. Do not be honest in anger and make sure that there are no unresolved issues that could feed the fire and trigger the honest outburst. - Also; honesty needs to go hand-in-hand with communication. You need to build up the relationship, then apply honesty as a value you use to express your thoughts but not at the expense of the other person's feelings.…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 30 - Part 2: Being true to yourself and who you are 11:11
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11:11Episode 30 - Part 2: Being true to yourself and who you are Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://lonerwolf.com/be-true-to-yourself/ - You can do so much more with your one life if you stay true to who you are. There is peace in choosing your true self. There is lightness and more love to experience. Once you begin to align with your true self and are aware of small ways in which you abandon what feels right to you, you set yourself on a path that can truly transform the way you experience this life. Why Being True to Yourself is the Best Thing You can do in Life https://mystudentvoices.com/why-being-true-to-yourself-is-the-best-thing-you-can-do-in-life-853445ee9d8e - Whenever you’re with your friends, colleagues or family, do you sometimes notice changes (even if they are just slight changes) in your personality? - Can Culture be changed? "Culture is the collective programming of the mind distinguishing the members of one group or category of people from another". How come we have certain values within us but portray other values to the outside, solely dependent by the social group we are currently surrounding ourselves with. "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." -E.E. Cummings - Your basic values don’t change. No one can make them change either. It’s rather a question of to what extent you let your environment influence your portrayal of these values to the outside. Obviously your values are one of your most pride possessions. "Authenticity is more than speaking; Authenticity is also about doing. Every decision we make says something about who we are." -Simon Sinek -It’s not about lying to other people but about feeling frightened about the fact that other people might learn about their deepest thoughts and concerns. -No one likes to show their hand right from the beginning since it can be abused very easily, leaving the person in a very vulnerable place and quite exposed. Being exposed is very intimidating since it can make you feel that everyone has some kind of control over you. -I think people change in certain situations conform to that specific social group in order to minimize the diverse thinking of the group. Being part of a group is fun and makes you feel stronger but everyone knows life is easier if everyone shares opinions and viewpoints on certain situations. - What this suggest though is that no one can and wants to be fully truthful or honest to yourself and other people and that your true identities will always be hidden. - By showing your true self you find these people you share a connection with much faster. Meaningful relationships can be built right from the start and because of that you create more opportunities for yourself and live a happier and more fulfilling life. "I had no idea that being your authentic self could make me as rich as I’ve become. If I had, I’d have done it a lot earlier." -Oprah Winfrey…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 30 : Part 1 - Being true to yourself and who you are 12:01
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12:01Episode 30 : Part 1 - Being true to yourself and who you are Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://thoughtcatalog.com/jamie-varon/2014/06/10-subconscious-things-you-do-when-you-arent-being-true-to-yourself/ What happens if you're not true to yourself? - You justify your decisions Every time we have to justify a reason for not doing something, we’re most likely straying from what we truly want to be doing. If you choose not to do something and feel no need to justify yourself for making that choice, then you are staying true to your own desires. However, once you start piling up reasons as to why you are ignoring what you desire to do, then you need to stop in that moment and ask yourself, “Is this fear?” Because, fear is the never-ending source of all your reasons for not doing the thing you say you want to do. - You get that small stirring in your gut that you ignore When you make a decision or you say something that is not true to yourself, you will get that pang in your gut. Many people can attribute this to a physical feeling of guilt. This feeling you’re receiving is a gift and, instead of ignoring it, you can acknowledge it, listen to it, and see what is the better choice for you. "Be yourself, everyone else is taken." -Oscar Wilde - You quickly pass off “bad” emotions Our emotions and feelings are incredible insights into our intuition. When we feel anger, it means we are ready for something to change. When we feel guilt, it means we are doing something out of alignment with who we are and what we say we want. - You abandon yourself (and your desires) in small ways A little critical self-talk here. A mean-spirited gossip about a friend there. A judgmental reaction to someone here. These are small abandons from your true self and, while a couple don’t make a big difference, they start to add up and snowball into long gossip sessions, days of critical self-talk, a judgmental attitude towards others. "Authenticity requires a certain measure of vulnerability, transparency, and integrity." -Janet Louise Stephenson - You break promises to yourself (and don’t realize it) Once in a while, these are fine, but again, they add up. Each time you say you’re going to do something and then back out of it, you’re breaking these tiny promises to yourself and it doesn’t feel great to do so. It creates even more of a distance between you and your truest self. - You attract drama into your life There is nothing redeeming about unnecessary drama. When you start attracting it into your life, you are distracting yourself from yourself. It’s a brilliant plan when you think about it: if you have drama all up in your life, you don’t have the time or energy to devote to what really matters to you. - You give away your power to someone or something else If you are trying to stay true to yourself and it’s becoming fearful, it can be easy to start giving your power away to others. You want their validation. You want them to tell you you’re doing great. You want them to give you a path. "The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows." -Buddha - You procrastinate Procrastination is fear in sheep’s clothing! It is fear, fear, fear and more fear. Fear at its finest! At the root of it, procrastination is avoidance. There is no possible way to be true to yourself while also avoiding yourself. These are complete opposites and cannot exist in the same space. - You feel heavy without realizing it It’s not until a burden is lifted that we realize how heavy the burden actually was. When we keep choosing to abandon ourselves, subconsciously or otherwise, it weighs on us. However, once we choose again and stay true to ourselves, we feel the lightness that comes from that choice. "To become authentic we require a thirst for freedom." -Don Mateo Sol…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 29 : Part 5 - Finding yourself, a tale not just for movies 11:11
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11:11Episode 29 : Part 5 - Finding yourself, a tale not just for movies Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://allisonfallon.com/finding-yourself/ https://www.wikihow.com/Find-Yourself - Realize that some people will become jealous, afraid, or overwhelmed when a person changes their usual habits and grows more mature and self-loving (others will love it). It's a threat to the relationship you've always had - Abandon the negative. Although it sounds abstract, it's not difficult. Make a conscious effort to minimize judging — others, objects, and yourself. This is for two reasons: 1) Positivity is nourishing and can usher in a sense of happiness which being "lost" masks, and 2) Opening your mind to new experiences and new people (that you previously wrote off) will show you a whole new world that may be better than the one you knew before - Question yourself. Ask yourself difficult and far-reaching questions, and record your answers. Then every time you reflect, you can review your notes and take it a step further, instead of answering the same questions all over again. "Don't spend all of your time trying to FIND yourself. Spend your time CREATING yourself into a person that you'll be proud of." -Sonya Parker "If I had all the resources in the world — if I didn't need to make money — what would I be doing with my life and why?" "What do I want to look back on in my life and say that I never regretted?" "If I had to choose three words to describe the kind of person I'd love to be, what would those words be?" - If you do have a truly negative trait, acknowledging it openly can give you the motivation to work on redirecting that energy to something positive. Try channelling that bad habit and into a hobby. "Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power." -Lao-Tzu - "Who am I?" This question is not static. It should be one you continue to ask yourself throughout your life. A healthy person continues to reinvent themselves throughout their life. By asking this question regularly, it updates your understanding of who you are and how you change. - Settling In for Good Act upon — and use — your newly discovered knowledge. Pick up those watercolors. Write a short story. Plan a trip to Mombasa. "The well bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves."- Oscar Wilde - You may shake your head and come up with excuses such as "no time," "no money," "family responsibilities," etc. Instead of using these as excuses, start planning around the hurdles in your life. You can free up time, find money, and get a break from duties if you make time how to plan and find the courage to ask for these things. - Be ready for dead ends. Finding yourself is a journey, not a destination. A lot of it is trial and error. That's the price you pay in return for the satisfaction you receive - It's not going to be easy — it never has been for anybody — but if you learn to see that as a chance to prove how much you want to find yourself, then you'll find fulfillment and security in your pursuit. Serve others. Mahatma Gandhi once said that "the best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." -Being introspective without reaching out to others can cause you to navel-gaze and shut yourself off from others. Service to other people and to the community is the ultimate way to find purpose and a sense of your place in the world. When you see how hard life can be for those in greater need than you, it's often a wake-up call that puts your own worries, concerns, and issues into perspective. It helps you to see what you do have, and the opportunities you've been able to seize through life. "There is no satisfaction that can compare with looking back across the years and finding you’ve grown in self-control, judgment, generosity, and unselfishness."- Ella Wheeler Wilcox…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 29 : Part 4 - Finding yourself, a tale not just for movies 10:54
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10:54Episode 29 : Part 4 - Finding yourself, a tale not just for movies Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://allisonfallon.com/finding-yourself/ https://www.wikihow.com/Find-Yourself - Prepare to begin again with a clean slate. Develop your own moral conduct and practice sticking to it. Start by overcoming bad habits. - Organize your world. You may find that having all your other affairs in order will help expedite the process to grabbing a firm hold on your identity. "There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self."- Aldous Huxley - Conquering Your World Immerse yourself in solitude. Give yourself some time and space to get away from the expectations, the conversations, the noise, the media, and the pressure. Take some time each day to go for a long walk and think. - Seek out a passion. When you believe in something or see beauty in something, you should do it no matter what anyone else thinks. "I know well what I am fleeing from but not what I am in search of."- Michel de Montaigne - Find a mentor. Though ultimately soul-searching can only be done by you and it's only you that determines what you need, having a mentor will be an incredible resource when you hit those unavoidable bumps in the road. - Sort out your career path. If you're meandering all over the place looking for the right "fit", chances are that you're not happy inside. You could be using the job-changing as an excuse for not fully realizing your true potential. Spend some time free-associating. Think about what you like and don't like; think beyond those things to other ideas that simply pop into your mind while you're associating. Keep a record of these things. - Bear in mind, however, that work may not be where your "calling" is. If that's the case, you'll need to work out a work-life balance that lets you pursue your "true self" more outside of the workplace, even if this means more hours and less income. "The searching-out and thorough investigation of truth ought to be the primary study of man."- Cicero - Changing Your Perspective Let go of the need to be loved by all. Accept that some people will think poorly of you no matter what you do. It's important to forget about what everyone else thinks because you cannot please everyone. This thought is aptly summed up by Raymond Hull: "He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away."…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 29 : Part 3 - Finding yourself, a tale not just for movies 10:48
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10:48Episode 29 : Part 2 - Finding yourself, a tale not just for movies Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://allisonfallon.com/finding-yourself/ https://www.wikihow.com/Find-Yourself What we really need is to find ourselves. Practical steps to HOW: 1. Reconciling and working yourself out Create your own life timeline. Write down all of your major goals that you feel you have achieved and want to achieve. In turn, write down the events in your life that have already happened and that have shaped or affected you. Spend a little time clarifying the past in your timeline. A timeline is an incredibly objective method for marking down past occurrences in your life that you consider to be major. You can look at them as formation blocks and as changing experiences along your timeline without imbuing them with too much emotion (as would occur within a diary account). This isn't an exercise in wallowing. It's about clarification and identification of issues. These issues might be keeping you from reaching your present potential and letting your true self blossom. "Like an old gold-panning prospector, you must resign yourself to digging up a lot of sand from which you will later patiently wash out a few minute particles of gold ore."- Dorothy Bryant Distinguish your thoughts from the thoughts of others. For most people (it's more common than you may think) life is pretty easy to go through while on autopilot; we practically get handed a road map for how reality "works." "One must know oneself. If this does not serve to discover truth, it at least serves as a rule of life, and there is nothing better."- Blaise Pascal Start relying on yourself. Confidence and reliance are at the heart of finding yourself. If you don't have a solid sense of self-worth, you'll listen to what others have to say all the time and to be swayed by their insistence on what is appropriate. Learn to believe in yourself and trust your own feelings. Then, you'll come up with a structure to base your new sense of self on. Remember, be patient with yourself and confident in your abilities. Everything will come with time. "To find yourself, think for yourself." -Socrates Start trusting your own judgment and decision-making processes, mistakes and all. We all make mistakes, but through mistakes we find ourselves growing, learning, and reaching our real selves. Start taking responsibility for budgeting, household matters, and planning about the future.…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 29 : Part 2 - Finding yourself, a tale not just for movies 10:58
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10:58Episode 29 : Part 2 - Finding yourself, a tale not just for movies Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://allisonfallon.com/finding-yourself/ - Finding yourself is the process of discovering who you are and why you matter apart from outside achievements, relationships, and even in the face of great challenges or in life’s shifting environments. "The man who views the world at fifty the same as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life."- Muhammad Ali - When you have a strong sense of self, you are able to adapt well to changes, to soothe yourself in times of sadness or discomfort, stay true to your convictions (even when there is outside pressure), avoid codependent or manipulative relationships, set boundaries with pushy people in your life, leave behind a constant need for approval, drop the guilt, receive criticism, act authentically, lead gracefully, and take responsibility for your life—no matter how it turns out. "You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one."- James A. Froude - One hard truth about developing a strong sense of self is that so much of this important development takes place in childhood. If you have faced some kind of trauma in your childhood, or if your parents didn’t help you establish a strong sense of self—you might still have a lot of work to do when it comes to finding yourself. "Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau - Know and own your story. When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write a brave new ending —Brene Brown -What has happened to me in the past does not define me. Do not try to walk this path alone. It’s too treacherous. If you aren’t comfortable finding a therapist, ask a few trusted friends or family members to walk with you. "Know thyself?’ If I knew myself, I’d run away."- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe - I read all the time. I’m always trying to figure out more about myself, how I operate and why it matters. This has been a lifeline for me as I walk this journey of finding myself. Figuring out the driving motivations behind why you act the way you do not only helps you own your story, it also helps you interact and communicate in a positive way with others. What seems like the worst thing that could possibly happen to you might turn out to be the very best thing. Because sometime it takes losing ourselves to find ourselves. And when we resist these lessons, we resist the very beauty and joy life is trying to offer us. "Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes." - Carl Jung…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 29: Part 1 - Finding yourself, a tale not just for movies 11:04
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11:04Episode 29: Part 1 - Finding yourself, a tale not just for movies Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://allisonfallon.com/finding-yourself/ - talk about movies and the lead needing to find themselves, especially after a major challenge/failure. - You hear people talk about "finding yourself" all the time and yet most of us don’t really know what it means or why it matters. In fact, I think the term gets sort of watered down. We think of "finding yourself" as this cursory thing we do, on the side, if we have time, after we get the more important work of life done. We forget what an incredible danger it is to live life without knowing who you are. "A man’s growth is seen in the successive choirs of his friends."- Ralph Waldo Emerson A person without a strong sense of identity tends to suffer from: Not to mention, it can be really difficult to make a decision—even a small one. When we don’t know who we are, we end up spending more time wondering about what other people want from us than about what we want and need for ourselves. Which, of course, can be incredibly anxiety-producing. "Know yourself. Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." - Ann Landers Lack of Personal Identity and Depression. There is a psychologist and author named Albert Bandura who has done a considerable amount of research around something he calls self-efficacy, which could be translated: a strong sense of self. He makes a specific connection between a weak sense of personal significance and depression. Bandura says, "A weak sense of personal-efficacy operates on the cognitive source of depression in several ways." First, it impacts how we interpret positive and negative experiences. When someone with a strong sense of self experiences something negative in their life—anywhere from a bad grade on a test to a death in the family or a personal illness "All the wonders you seek are within yourself." -Thomas Browne Second, it impacts the degree of control we believe we have moving forward. When the events of life are less-than-ideal, a person with a strong sense of self puts the locus of control inside himself for moving forward. "A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it."- Jean de La Fontaine Third, it influences the story we tell ourselves about personal accomplishments and failures. Bandura’s research actually showed that people with a strong sense-efficacy felt slightly better about themselves socially and emotionally than their peers. "Sometimes we must lose ourselves to find ourselves." -Sonny Long How do you process successes and failures as they happen to you? What does this tell you about how much control you have moving forward? What is the story you tell yourself about your personal accomplishments or failures? When it comes to finding yourself, depression and making big decisions, it shouldn’t surprise us that the mind and body are profoundly and miraculously connected.…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 28 - Loving Yourself: How can you love others without it? 12:53
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12:53Episode 28 - Loving Yourself: How can you love others without it? Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat/2013/01/self-esteem-vs-self-love.html https://coachcampus.com/coach-portfolios/power-tools/silvia-richter-kaupp-self-love-vs-self-esteem/ https://christieinge.com/self-love-quotes/ Self-esteem - Most people determine their worth based upon other-esteem. They seek approval and validation from others, and their opinion of themselves isn’t very high unless they get it. It’s basically what you think of yourself. The biggest obstacle to self-esteem is self-criticism. Self-Acceptance - Unlike self-esteem which varies, self-acceptance is steady and unconditional. You accept yourself despite your flaws, failures, and limitations. You’re more self-forgiving and let go of self-judgment. Self-acceptance works wonders. Once you start accepting yourself, you gradually stop worrying what others think and become more spontaneous and natural. Self-acceptance is what allows you to be authentic. You can finally relax, and allow more of the inner, real you to be seen. Self-Love Whereas self-esteem is an evaluation and acceptance is an attitude, love combines both feeling and action. Contrary to what many believe, self-love is healthy. You can’t hate yourself happy. You can’t criticize yourself thin. You can’t shame yourself worthy. Real change begins with self-love and self-care. ~ Jessica Ortner Most people think too little of themselves, not too much, and often falling in love is merely a compensation for inner emptiness, loneliness, and shame. No wonder most relationships fail (including those who stay together). People often think that self-love and self-esteem are one and the same. But that’s not true. While they do support each other and are built from similar factors, they are different aspect of the way you view and treat yourself. Having one can help you build the other. Just as it is not possible to love any person we meet on the spot, it is not possible to love ourselves as of now. But love can grow over time, including self-love. If we want to love ourselves, we should start behaving like someone who we can love! In order to develop the consciousness state of self-love a third ‘self’ is required: self-compassion. Self-compassion is described as a mindful, accepting and friendly attitude towards oneself. Self-compassion is comprised of three elements: self-kindness, accepting our humanness and interdependence, mindfulness. Self-kindness entails being gentle and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer or feel inadequate rather than ignoring our pain or minimizing ourselves with self-criticism. Self-compassion also involves recognizing our essential interdependence and that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of our shared human experience. Self-compassion is not equivalent with self-pity, self-indulgence and egoism. When feeling self-pity we become so immersed in our own problems that we forget that others have similar problems. In contrast, with the perspective of self- compassion we see the related experiences we share with others and widen our view. Be the love you never received. ~ Rune Lazuli Compassion for others results from empathy. The same with self-compassion: it arises from self-empathy. Thus, self-empathy is a prerequisite for self-compassion and self-compassion a prerequisite for self-love. The good news is: self-empathy is a skill which can be learned and developed! In contrast to self-esteem, self-compassion is not based on self-evaluations. We don’t have to feel better than others to feel good about ourselves. With self- compassion the good feelings don’t result from our successes but from the fact that we take care of ourselves – especially when things don’t run smoothly. With self-compassion we behave like a friend would do it: She calls us to hear how we do. The journey isn’t about becoming a different person. It’s about loving who you are right now. ~ Suzanne Heyn Research indicates that self-compassion is superior to self-esteem in difficult times. Self-compassion catches us when self-esteem lets us down. People with pronounced self-compassion have more accurate self-concepts, less narcissism and reactive anger, more caring relationships, higher self-efficacy and emotional resilience, they are more likely to reach their goals, suffer rarely from depression and anxiety and recover better from strokes than people who meet themselves critically. Self-compassion is an indispensable qualification for mental health. How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you. ~ Rupi Kaur From what I’ve seen, having good self-esteem is more prevalent than loving yourself. And you can have good self-esteem in some areas of your life and not in others. You might be confident about work but not your social skills. When you love yourself, you accept yourself with those shortcomings and it improves your overall self-esteem. Pay attention to how you feel in different situations. Notice when you feel the most confident and remind yourself you’re the same person in other areas. Love it all—the very good way you handle yourself sometimes—and the times you’re not as good as you’d like to be. None of us are perfect, and it’s okay, as long as you accept that. When we make peace with ourselves, we spontaneously make peace with the world. ~ Debbie Ford…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 27 - Part 2: Setting achievable goals: Not just bravado and motivation talk 12:44
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12:44Episode 27 - Part 1: Setting achievable goals: Not just bravado and motivation talk Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.excelatlife.com/articles/guide_to_goals.htm Benefits of setting goals: http://thepeakperformancecenter.com/development-series/skill-builder/personal- effectiveness/goal-setting/benefits-of-goal-setting/ Provides Direction - First and foremost, goals give you a direction and destination. They give you something to aim for and direct your efforts towards. They help guide you to where you ultimately want to be in life. - Clearer Focus on what is important Your goals give you a clear focus on what you believe to be important in life. Therefore, it is essential when setting your personal goals, you first think about what is important to you and what you really want to accomplish in life. - Clarity in Decision Making If you know where you want to go, you are in a better position to makes decision that may affect your direction in life. - Provides Motivation Goals give you hope and something to aspire to. In itself, having a meaningful goal to think about and envision reaching can be very motivating. As you start towards your long-term goals, you are able to accomplish some short-term goals. - Gives you a sense of purpose in life People need a sense of purpose in their lives, and goals can give you that sense of purpose. Instead of just going through the motions and existing from day to day, your goals give you reasons to get up in the morning, a reason act, and a reason to live the life you desired. "Our goals can only be reached through a vehicle of a plan, in which we must fervently believe, and upon which we must vigorously act. There is no other route to success." — Pablo Picasso - Develop specific goals If goals are vague and unclear, they are not reachable. However, you also don't want to become discouraged by a goal that is too specific. Sometimes this may be based upon personality. "All successful people have a goal. No one can get anywhere unless he knows where he wants to go and what he wants to be or do. " —Norman Vincent Peale 1) Long-term goals. Identify specific long-term goals. These are usually similar to the dream goal you imagined but they may be more specific. 2) Short-term goals.Once you have identified the long-term goals you can develop short-term goals to help you achieve each long-term goal. 3) Practice goals and competition goals. In sports and other activities involving competition, you want to develop goals for practice that will help you to meet your competition goals. "A goal properly set is halfway reached." —Zig Ziglar - Set target dates For us to be able to progress in the achievement of goals, it is best to have target dates set for each goal. - Develop strategies for achieving goals Once you have developed the goals, you need to create a specific, concrete plan for achieving those goals. "When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals; adjust the action steps" - Confucius - Develop support network for achieving goals Having a support network increases the likelihood of a group achieving goals. However, if your support network is critical and negative, you may find that sharing reduces motivation and success. - Develop plan for goal evaluation Finally, you need a method to help you evaluate the goals you have set. The plan may keep track of progress, or it may need to determine if the strategies actually work towards accomplishing the goals, or it may need to examine what factors block the goal achievement. "Success is the progressive realization of a worthy goal or ideal." —Earl Nightingale…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 27 - Part 1: Setting achievable goals: Not just bravado and motivation talk 11:39
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11:39Episode 27 - Part 1: Setting achievable goals: Not just bravado and motivation talk Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.excelatlife.com/articles/guide_to_goals.htm "We tend to set goals that are unreasonable, perfectionistic, and unachievable." - Often people state "I'm just lazy" or "I'm unmotivated" when they are unsuccessful. Yet, most of the time, the problem isn't laziness, but lack of understanding about how to achieve goals. For instance, I hear people all the time "I'm going to lose 10 pounds in the next two weeks" or "I'm going to exercise an hour a day" or "I'm going to limit myself to 1200 calories a day" or some combination of these statements in attempts to manage weight. However, even though they might achieve these goals over the short-term, any long-term change is unlikely. They will revert to old habits with resignation sighing, "I'm unmotivated. I'll never be able to lose weight." "A Goal without a plan is just a wish" - Antoine de Saint-Exuperys GOAL SETTING PRINCIPLES Dream goal First allow yourself to fully imagine what you would like to achieve. When you imagine your goal, try to imagine it as fully as possible. Allow yourself to picture what it would be like when you achieve it. What does it look like? What are the differences in your life? How will you feel? What will others see? In fact, write down what you imagine. "People with goals succeed because they know where they're going" - Earl Nightingale - Realistic but challenging. However, even though this is your "dream" it needs to be within reason. For instance, it may be reasonable to lose weight and to feel healthier, but is it reasonable to "look like a supermodel?" Unless you already have the genetic makeup for it, you are setting yourself up for failure. "The victory of success is half won when one gains the habit of setting and achieving goals" - Og Mandino 2) Performance goals rather than outcome goals. The most achievable goals are personal performance goals rather than outcome-oriented goals. A goal of winning a competition, for instance, is an outcome goal. One problem with an outcome-oriented goal is that we have less control over outcome than we do over performance. In the work setting, an outcome-oriented goal may be a goal of obtaining a promotion or increased salary whereas a performance-oriented goal may focus on specific activities to improve the work environment or productivity. The interesting thing about this type of goal is a person may be more likely to achieve the desired outcome as well. "The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing" - Walt Disney…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 26: final thoughts and experiences with Self-esteem 12:22
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12:22Episode 26: final thoughts and experiences with Self-esteem Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License - Redefine Rejection. Many people with low self-esteem engage in “impression management” which is the attempt to influence how others perceive them. Instead of being genuinely who they are, they act in a way to get approval from others: agreeing with others when they have a different opinion, dressing or acting in certain ways to conform with others, trying not to be noticed in a negative way. However, such a behavioral contrast occurs in less dire ways: teenagers who seek approval from a peer group while rebelling against parents or people who persecute or mistreat those with different beliefs. Learning to redefine rejection allows you to act according to your personal beliefs and desires rather than acting based upon the approval of others. Redefining rejection is to consider that rejection can be a good thing because it means you are a unique and genuine person. No one can be liked by everyone. If so, you are trying to seek approval. And approval-seeking is a trap. "Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other" - Abraham Lincoln - Re-write Your Life Script. If you have been working through these steps, some time has passed since you wrote your first life script. It takes time to practice each of these steps until they occur more automatically so it could be six months or more since you wrote it. But if you have been practicing the steps consistently over a period of time, your life script should have changed. It is time to re-write your life script. If you have not been consistently working on these steps for at least six months, stop here! Re-writing your life script can consolidate the changes you have made and continue to reinforce your self-esteem overtime. In addition, it can help you determine whether you need to address any of the steps further. To re-write your life script, you can review the questions in Step 2 and answer the questions according to how you feel now. Or, you can review your old life script, cross out what isn't true and add in what is true now. While re-writing your life script, keep in mind what you learned in Step 14: recognizing limitations and weaknesses is okay (and important) as long as you don't include a value judgment about those aspects of yourself. Those with good self-esteem take responsibility for their lives. They accept both their strengths and their limitations. They don't deny reality but they are not unduly critical and harsh with themselves. Limitations are accepted without a value judgment. By doing so, they seek opportunities for improvement. "Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are."- Marilyn Monroe "Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.”- Lao-Tzu - Story of how I developed my own self-esteem after my events "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure" - Marianne Williamson "The two most important days in your life are the day you're born and the day you find out why" - Mark Twain "The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself."- Mark Twain…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 25 - Part 4: Self esteem: May your life be as awesome as it appears on social media 14:36
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14:36Episode 25 - Part 4: Self esteem: May your life be as awesome as it appears on social media Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.excelatlife.com/articles/selfesteem/index.htm The World Health Organization (WHO) in a worldwide research reports that more deaths are caused by suicide every year than homicide or war. http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Abrams1.html A survey carried out by Yong Dai, Ph.D., Rebecca F. Nolan, Ph.D., and Qing Zeng, Ph.D. revealed that adolescents who attended church or other religious institutions are more likely to have a higher self esteem than their peers who have no religious affiliation. It suggests that religious institutions play a part in teaching people how to have a positive self esteem and have a healthy view of themselves. - Don't Evaluate Yourself Based on Others. A common problem for people with low self-esteem is they evaluate themselves based upon how others react to them. Unfortunately, for several reasons this can frequently lead to a worsening of self-esteem or a negative self-concept: 1. You don't know what others are thinking. You are only observing their behavior which may or may not be a reaction to you. 2. Your interpretations may be influenced by past events. Many times without even being aware of it we react to others because of something that happened to us in the past. 3. Many people have a negative reaction for reasons other than you. Other people, too, have their own histories that cause them to react in certain ways. 4. Others can't truly know you which means their judgments aren't accurate evaluations. You are the only one who fully understands everything about yourself—all your experiences, your interpretations, your intentions, your desires. "You cannot consistently perform in a manner which is inconsistent with the way you see yourself" - Zig Ziglar - Focus on Other People (or things) Often, people with low self-esteem are focused on themselves. They are worried about what others might think of them. They are evaluating themselves based upon others' reactions to them. They are apologizing for themselves when they haven't done anything wrong. They may even be critical of others for not showing interest or concern about them. All of these concerns, however, mean that they are inside of their head and focused on themselves. And usually, most of this self- focus is negative. - Be Direct. As previously mentioned in other steps many people who lack self-esteem are afraid of being rejected. Due to this fear they make their comments and their requests less direct. In which case people are less likely to be responsive. As such, being indirect can become a vicious cycle. People don't understand or hear your requests, comments, or opinions and are not responsive to you. As a result, you may feel rejected and become even more withdrawn and less direct. Indirect/direct Sure, being direct can lead to more confrontation or clear rejection of your request or ideas, but at least you know where you stand and it is not based upon irrational speculation. Also, consider that people are not always be in agreement--it is not a rejection of you just because someone disagrees or refuses a request. Recognize it is okay because it is not necessarily about you. More importantly, directness is likely to lead to increased acceptance and receptiveness. People are more clear about what you want or think and are more likely to react than to ignore you. Be direct about what you want or what you think. People are generally more responsive to directness. "Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the face." - Helen Keller - Internalize Positive Responses. Internalizing the positive responses you get from others is quite possibly the most important of these twenty steps to better self-esteem. To internalize means to make attitudes, opinions, or behaviors part of how you automatically think of yourself. "The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself" - Bill Gates - Accept Failure. Many people with low self-esteem view failure as catastrophic. As such, they feel the need to avoid failure at all costs. Unfortunately, attempts to avoid failure often prevent success because avoiding failure frequently means not attempting something that is challenging. Usually, this catastrophic view of failure is due to several reasons: over-identifying failure, globalizing failure and personalizing failure. "If you care what other people think, you will always be their prisoner" - Lao Tzu - Visualize Success. Saying “visualize success” sounds somewhat cliché given all the motivational gurus who have hijacked this term to mean “if you believe it, and can see it, you will be successful.” However, success is more complex than that and cognitive therapy is about being realistic, not about being delusively positive. - Mentally Rehearse. Once you have developed specific goals through visualizing success and how to achieve it, the next step is to rehearse those goals. This is the step that many people miss. They believe that just having a goal and a plan is good enough. But often, it is not. "Self esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves" - Nathaniel Branden - Act with Confidence. Many people view confidence from the wrong direction. They believe “When I have self-esteem, I will act with confidence.” Yet, confidence is a behavior more than a feeling. And behaviors can be produced even when you don't experience the emotion. For instance, have you ever been in an argument with someone, you're feeling intense anger, you receive a phone call, and with a smile and brightness in your voice, you answer, “Hi! It's great to hear from you!” "Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment" - Thomas Carlyle…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 25 - Part 3: Self esteem: May your life be as awesome as it appears on social media 12:25
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12:25Episode 25 - Part 3: Self esteem: May your life be as awesome as it appears on social media Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.excelatlife.com/articles/selfesteem/index.htm The key that self esteem serves in preventing suicide -Examine Your Self-labels How often do you call yourself names or label yourself in a negative way? Awareness is an important part of change. Start noticing when you label yourself. Pay attention to the words you use in your self-talk such as “That was stupid” or “I can't do anything right.” - Step 4. Start Reducing Your Self-labeling (reference to self-talk in previous episode on jealousy) Once you have become more aware of your self-labeling and have a baseline to measure your progress, the next step is to start reducing your self-labeling. Notice that I'm saying “reduce,” not “stop.” Instead, try to reduce the labeling over time. You can continue to keep a count as you did in step 3 and just record each day how many times you labeled yourself. "Be careful how you are talking to yourself because you are listening." - Lisa Hayes - Create Daily Affirmations (but don't take yourself too seriously) I know it seems somewhat cliché today to create affirmations but sometimes things are cliché because they work. Start your day with an affirmation. Then focus on that affirmation throughout the day. Help yourself own it by looking for additional evidence that validates the affirmation. For instance, if your affirmation is “I try to improve myself and do the best I can” observe ways that you do that throughout the day and write them down. Obviously, even creating the affirmation and focusing on it could be one piece of evidence for this affirmation. - Be Courteous in Your Self-talk. Many times when I catch people engaging in negative self-talk they will say, “But it's the truth!” However, truth can be cloaked in many ways depending upon what we want to accomplish. How often when confronting others do you describe them or their behavior as negatively as your own? You may change the wording when talking to someone else. "If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be." - Maya Angelou - Accept Compliments and Stop Apologizing. Accepting compliments is difficult for many people with low self-esteem. However, apologizing is too simple for them and often excessive. Even though both of these behaviors come from negative feelings towards the self (undeserving and guilty) 1) Accept Compliments. Notice how you respond to compliments. Do you tend to dismiss or downplay them? Do you tend to think people “are just being nice”? Well, of course, they are being nice! What is wrong with that? Just accept them. When you don't accept compliments people often stop giving you compliments because it is not very rewarding to them to have their overture denied. 2) Stop Apologizing. Many people with low self-esteem apologize for very minor behaviors; often, behaviors that aren't even a mistake or causing problems for others. Such apologizing causes two outcomes. One, it reinforces within you that you are to blame and the cause of problems for other people. Two, it is uncomfortable and annoying for others to have to constantly reassure “That's okay. Don't worry about it.” - Hold your head up. This step is a simple to describe step but can be difficult for some people with low self-esteem. Many people with low self-esteem try to be unobtrusive so as not to be noticed by others (and thereby, criticized). One way they do this is by not looking at others, tending to keep their head down and even trying to take up as little space as possible such as by hunching their shoulders and staying out of other people's paths. "The highest form of intelligence is to view yourself without judgment." - Krishnamurti - Make eye contact and smile. Many people with low self-esteem try not to make eye contact and smile at others they pass in the hall at work or at the grocery store or out for a walk. One of the reasons people avoid eye contact is fear of rejection. Making eye contact, and especially smiling, feels vulnerable because the other person can respond with negative non-verbals or ignore you. For people with low self-esteem such a reaction can feel like rejection. Even though it may feel emotionally safer to avoid eye contact, you will have more acceptance and positive responses from others when you make eye contact and smile. Such responses will lead to a more positive cycle and help you feel more confident and better about yourself. - Say "Hello" Acting confident leads to feeling confident. One reason for this is other people more readily respond which increases positive interactions. Many people with low self-esteem wait for others to make the first overture. As discussed in the previous step, they don't want to risk rejection. "Too many people overvalue what they are not, and undervalue what they are." - Malcolm Forbes…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 25 Part 2 - Self esteem: May your life be as awesome as it appears on social media 11:43
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11:43Episode 25 Part 2 - Self esteem: May your life be as awesome as it appears on social media Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.miuc.org/importance-of-positive-self-esteem/ Self esteem Statistics and interesting facts: http://www.medicine.indiana.edu/iu_medicine/02_fall/teenSex.html http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Abrams1.html http://selfesteem-activities.com/statistics-on-self-esteem/ 85% of the world's population are affected by low self esteem. Source: The self esteem book, Dr Joe Rubino. "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not in fact, just surrounding yourself with assholes" - William Gibson 1. Recognize that Self-Esteem is Self-Imposed Self-esteem isn't something that exists independently--you either have it or you don't. No, self-esteem changes based upon how you think of yourself. Self-esteem is not a reaction to what others think of you but how you think of you. Yet, too frequently, we give this power to others and use them as the yardstick to measure ourselves. By recognizing that self-esteem is your choice and not based upon how others treat you, you can change your self-esteem. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" - Eleanor Roosevelt Step 2. Write Your Life Script What is a life script? Each of us has a set of beliefs about ourselves. Initially, these beliefs develop in childhood based upon how others view us and treat us. Some people view their life script as unchangeable: “I can't help it! It's who I am.” However, other people edit their life scripts. Sometimes they need to learn how to edit it (such as what you are doing now) and sometimes they edit it naturally. Some areas to focus on; as a start: - Competence (SWOT analysis) - General (What do you think of yourself, what you like about yourself) - Appearance (Are you satisfied with how you look, do you try to look your best) - Competitive (Are you overly harsh/demanding on yourself?, How do you view success/failure?) - Creative (Do you like what you do, are you able to express yourself, both to others and to yourself?) - Social (How others feel about you, why so? How do you treat others? Do you need approval?) - Intimate Relationships (Are you satisfied with your relationship choices, do you feel you're able to attract people?) "To thine own self be true" - Shakespeare writing Developing better self-esteem requires editing. However, to edit a life script, it is necessary to first write the life script. This step will be difficult because it means writing down your current view of yourself. If your self-esteem is low, then this script may be quite negative. Many people will be tempted to skip this step as it can be very painful to see in black and white our view of ourselves. Others might want to not write it down thinking that they are quite aware of it. But writing it is necessary because there is something very powerful about an actual edit—crossing out and replacing words or adding different beliefs. "I am not what has happened to me. I am what I choose to become" - Carl Jung…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 25 - Part 1: Self esteem: May your life be as awesome as it appears on social media 10:11
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10:11Episode 25 - Part 1: Self esteem: May your life be as awesome as it appears on social media Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.excelatlife.com/articles/selfesteem/index.htm The Importance of Positive Self-Esteem Of all the judgments we make in life, none is more important than the judgments we make about ourselves. The need for positive self-esteem comes with psychological growth and the desire to trust ourselves. self-respect and the ability to be comfortable in your own skin and with yourself. Interestingly enough, self-esteem doesn’t have much connection with actual talent or ability. How we value ourselves reflects the way we think, feel and act "If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete." - Buddha The development of self-esteem across a lifespan greatly depends on the experiences in a person’s life. In early childhood, our parents/guardians are considered the main source of positive or negative experiences and as such make the biggest impact. Their unconditional and stable love should give the child a sense of security and respect that later will affect self-esteem as the child grows older. The creation of our self-esteem continues to form into adulthood through our successes or failures and how the messages we receive from our environment affect us (the influence of family, teachers, coaches, friends, peers, work colleagues, partner, etc.). We form an “inner voice” which repeats these messages later in life, either in an accepting and reassuring form or in a heavy, blaming or punishing form. "The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are." - Carl Jung Consequences of Low Self-Esteem vs. Healthy Self-Esteem Low self-esteem can have adverse consequences. It can: Lead to increased likelihood of depression, anxiety, obesity, oversensitivity, stress, or loneliness. Cause problems with romantic relationships, friendships, academic skills or job performance. Create constant comparison with others, perfectionist thinking, high self-blame, inability to try new things, fear of failure, inability to accept compliments. In some cases low self-esteem can lead to increased vulnerability to alcohol and drug abuse. These negative effects work in a vicious circle, negative thoughts and negative expectations reinforce poor self-esteem and the chance of failure, thus leading to more low self-esteem. "The sins of the father are to be laid upon the children" - Shakespeare People with high self-esteem can be recognized through some of the following descriptions: Do not excessively worry about the past or the future but rather live in the present. Accept individual differences while at the same time consider themselves equal in dignity to others (not superior nor inferior). Understand that they are valuable and interesting, especially to those with whom they have friendships and relationships. Are able to enjoy different activities, show less fear of failure. "Talk to yourself like someone you love." - Brene Brown…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 12 - Part 2: Money and Finances, practical steps and a word on crypto 17:08
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17:08Money and Finances, advise and lessons from an ex-gambler and suicide survivor Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License "Do not save what is left after spending, but spend what is left after saving." - Warren Buffett - Be positive about money; money should be your friend rather than your foe. So, don't write it off as something you'll never be able to do. - Talk about how there are only 2 ways to increase the amount of money available; either increase your income/income sources, or reduce your outflows. It's not rocket science. Amount of money available = Incomes - outflows - Trim your outflows by reviewing them comprehensively. 15-dollar coffee, reduce if you can't eliminate. 15-dollar lunch, try to trim it to 10 first. Be realistic about what you're doing; remember, they need to be do-able and you need to understand/believe in why you're doing all of this. - The best way to plan your outflows is by setting a budget. If you're not a person comfortable with strict and rigid planning, consider dealing ONLY in cash. In fact, until you get your finances in a comfortable state, make it your ONLY option. Keep your cards at home and only set yourself a fixed amount of cash each week to use. From this amount of money; set aside 2 "Expenses"; one for fixed savings, and one for some kind of charity/donation. - If your finances are in a rough state, start setting specific financial plans to get out of it. Set aside a % of your income to settle your debts or consider structuring your debts into fixed-term repayments or installments to reduce interests. If re-structuring is not possible, be creative; but DON'T get into MORE trouble. - Keep your financial plans/goals as realistic as possible. You need to be honest with yourself on this. - Automate your major expenses (rent/mortgage, fixed expenses, savings, investment fund) so that these are the 1st items that get paid to reflect the actual amount you have left as balance each month. - Depending on where you are financially, set a reasonable amount of % for spending on yourself; on meals, a good time. But be disciplined with the amount, and keep it as low as possible while not compromising your own happiness, because working and/or earning money without spending it is not happiness. So splurge, but only once in a blue moon. Talk about my parents and money. - Talk about planning, again; fail to plan is planning to fail. Put savings into a separate fund you don't have direct control over. You need a min. of 3-6 months' worth of salary as emergency funds. Keep your savings funds as far away from your regular funds as possible. Increase your savings when you get raises. - Always have backup plans and backup funding sources. Build those; they don't come to you without work; or tell me where I can get some as well! Talk about my planning for kid's education in the future and how they've been placed in long-term investment/insurance funds. - NEVER co-sign or be a guarantor for someone else's loans. It doesn't matter WHO; family, fried, etc. It WILL destroy your relationship. If you're ever going to loan money to close persons; consider it a donation in order not to take it personally and to ruin the relationship. - DON'T RUSH into purchases, if something seems too good to be true; it probably is. So take your time to do research, honest evaluation and a calm mind to review, review and review. - "We buy things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people we don't like." - Dave Ramsey. While some jobs/fields may require some spending in order to fit in/socialize, that doesn't mean you HAVE to get the most expensive options. Be creative in how you source it as well. - For money and finance matters, the buck stops with you. So, listen; evaluate, but do your own research and ultimately only let yourself decide and make the decisions. You will have to pay for it in any case. - If you're going to invest, only invest amounts you CAN afford to lose. Again, you need to be honest with this as greediness will only lead to failure.…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 12 - Part 1: Money and Finances, advice and lessons from an ex-gambler and suicide survivor 11:17
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11:17Episode 12 - Part 1: Money and Finances, advice and lessons from an ex-gambler and suicide survivor Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License "Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery" - Spike Milligan - not a coincidence we talk about it after forgiveness, which probably was too gloomy and somber for it's own good. But it was a topic close to my heart, for obvious reasons. All of us take money very seriously; and we ought to, because it's a serious topic. But like everything else in life; we can't take it TOO seriously. Talk about family and relationship with money due to poverty upbringing. - In life, like it or not; but our finances will affect us. When we have good finances, we tend to be more secure, more confident, etc. There are plenty of opinions about how to make money, how to get rich, the unjustness of people being wealthy and hoarding their wealth, what people should do with their money, what the responsibilities of wealthy people are, what the responsibilities of poor people are, luck vs. hard work, silver spoon and entitlement vs. worked my way up from the bottom, etc. Everyone has an opinion on money because it has such a profound impact on our lives. - It's important to note here that; money is not the be all and end all in life. However; money is like the oil in our vehicles. It's there to smoothen out the cracks, enable a smoother journey as well as being able to get you where you need to go. Having it is definitely an advantage vs. not having it. But how you use it; is ultimately what matters. - Talk about gambling habit, how it started off with good intentions. - Love/hate relationship with money. But money, like most things in life; isn't very complicated, it's us who make it such. Like, I would love to be able to eat truffle- flavoured everything; but my wallet (not to mention my wife who doesnt' like truffles) doesn't allow it. - We all make mistakes, whether with money/finances or not. So don't beat yourself too hard about it but rather, practise forgiveness and move on.…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 11: Forgiveness, it can set you free 15:31
15:31
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15:31Forgiveness, it can set you free Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License "If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive" - Mother Theresa - As previously spoken about in episodes on challenges and failures; Being hurt in life is a very normal process because sooner or later; things will not turn the way we hoped or expected it to. - While it's important not to stress the small things, it's also inevitable that in life; there will be a point in life where hurt WILL happen. - From wikipedia: Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, anger and resentment; with an increased ability to wish the offender well. - Why we don't forgive could be attributed to the fact that we misunderstand what forgiveness means. It could be that we don't understand what forgiveness means and entails. It could be that we believe that we are in the right and have been hurt beyond belief and as such; cannot forgive due to our belief (even though it is really our ego and/or pride) for whatever reason. - Forgiveness is NOT justifying, forgetting and/or tolerating any wrong or wrongdoings. Forgiveness is about releasing yourself from the negative emotions that are present because you hold on to what happened and associated it with the person whom caused the harm or perceived harm. Grace tends to be associated with religions as it is normally defined as unmerited divine assistance given from God. However, grace also means a disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency. - Now, forgiveness is a deliberate choice to practise grace towards people who have caused the harm or perceived harm. If you're religious, it's a way to do for others what God's grace has done to and for us. - By not forgiving, you are just going to tie your emotions and ultimately; your well-being to the event of whatever that happened to cause the hurt. You are thus elevating the issue into one that has become a personal life-affecting condition, no matter what the original intention of the issue was. - By not forgiving, there are obviously going to be damaged relationships. In the context of how short life really is; is it worth having the relationship in that damaged state; no matter what happened? - It has been proven medically that not forgiving leads to physical suffering. Higher anxiety, stress and hostility; higher blood pressure, depression as well as a degraded mental health are all physical effects of not forgiving. Do you need anymore proof of why it's very important to forgive? - Personal story talk - How to forgive? You need to start by recognizing why forgiveness is important particularly to you as well. You need to identify what EXACTLY needs forgiveness and who needs to be forgiven for what. Acknowledge your emotions and how you feel about what happened; and how it has affected you. - Now what happens if you can't forgive? It's important to recognize that while challenging; it is important to actively reach this state of forgiving. You can try to practise empathy by seeing the situation from the other person's point of view. Give the benefit of the doubt. Admit your own need for forgiveness in life and why you need to eventually, do this. - So forgive, and release your hurt and the control and power that hurt had on you. Getting another person to change his or her actions, behavior or words isn't the point of forgiveness. If you're the one who needs forgiveness, then the first step is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you've done and how they have affected others. And face the consequences of that wrongs. However; you should also avoid judging yourself too harshly. If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done, consider admitting it to those you've harmed. - One point to note though; is that reconciliation or the restoration of a relationship is not always possible. If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you otherwise value, forgiveness can lead to reconciliation. This isn't always the case, however. And that is OK. - So; together with moving on in life, forgiveness needs to be a central part of how you deal with issues when it hurts and bring itself into your life. "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and to discover that the prisoner was you" - Lewis B Smedes…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 10 - Part 2: Living life without regrets 9:36
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9:36Living life without regrets Part 2 Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License - Personal story - Let Go of the Victim Mentality. The longer time spent complaining, the longer the amount of time required to formulate solutions and to get out of the issues encountered/experienced. “You don’t make progress by standing on the sidelines, whimpering and complaining. You make progress by implementing ideas.” ~ Shirley Hufstedler - Be grateful for what you have; and tell your closest loved relations how much they mean to you, and how you love them. The experience of love is one of the best things in life. - Practice kindness, because intentional kindness is life-giving. When you give and you practise kindness, you actually exercise your own ability to let go and receive the kind words of others. - Follow your dream and don't waste time. But start with small practical steps. So often, we are so busy trying to live up to the expectations of others that we do not allow ourselves to follow our own dream. “Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” ~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. - Start small and be consistent; but be bold and take risks. Staying within our comfort zone may be safe, but it is impossible to achieve greatness by living cautiously. - Talk about how podcast came to be, because didn't want to have any regrets. - Earning a living is important and is a major part of life, but not to the exclusion of other things. To fully participate in all aspects of life, such as spending time with loved ones and enjoying meaningful activities, we should leave work time at work. - Take Advantage – Each Day Offers a New Beginning and a clean slate. - Be yourself. We have our own values, beliefs, personality traits, and desires. When we deny any part of our authentic self, we deny our identity and self. Our uniqueness makes us who we are. - Don’t Give up on Yourself. Have faith in yourself and know that, “Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.” - Dale Carnegie…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 10 - Part 1: Living life without regrets 10:24
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10:24Living life without regrets Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License - From wikipedia: "Regret is a negative conscious and emotional emotion to one's personal decision-making, a choice resulting in action or inaction. Regret is related to perceived opportunity." - Seeing all of this growing up had a profound impact on me as it made me resolve never to have regrets. Obviously, saying is easier than doing it; but over time and years, this has now changed to "if ever there is a doubt in doing something that could cause regret, don't do it and re-think." - As per episode 6; "don't sweat the small stuffs"; Life is far too short to be spent worrying about things that are beyond our control. Also on the previous episode on Happiness, being able to enjoy both the happiness as well as happy memories together with the unhappiness and unhappy memories in our life's journey is the key to being able to fully experience life. - Stop comparing yourself, especially to people whom are better of. If you want to compare, compare to people whom are worse off in order to be grateful and thankful. No matter what you do, no matter who you are or where you are, all of us have to walk on our own journeys. -We've covered failures in general, but to avoid regrets; you should only give up once you've exhausted all options and possibilities. You should not leave any stone unturned that could turn into a "what if" question with regards to missed opportunities and/or actions. - Practice forgiveness and letting go. It's a given that there'll be points in our lives that we'll be hurt either by events and/or by the people around us. However; how we deal with that hurt is up to us. Some people stay stuck in bitterness their entire lives and never move beyond the pain. - Give up looking and thinking about the “what Ifs” “Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”- Steve Jobs "No one wants to die. And yet, death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it, and that is how it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It's life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new.” -Steve Jobs…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 9: Be present for today, tomorrow will come soon enough 10:34
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10:34Be present for today, tomorrow will come soon enough Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License "Remember then: there is only one time that is important-- Now! It is the most important time because it is the only time when we have any power." - Leo Tolstoy "Living in the moment means letting go of the past and not waiting for the future. It means living your life consciously, aware that each moment you breathe is a gift." - Oprah Winfrey - Today is an important day; you may not think it as such but it is. Why? Because today is the one day you can control in your life. - As covered in the previous episode "Don't sweat the small stuff"; we need to be able to prioritize and organize your thoughts and concerns. - Always focus on today because it’s the one day that you have. You can learn the lessons from yesterday, apologize and move on. But you can't undo what has already been done. This doesn't mean that you are not accountable for your past actions though. - Life is constantly unfolding in the present today. - We need to be conscious that we live in a world and age where everything moves at light- speed. That has allowed us to be easily distracted, and this leads to us not being able to focus, constantly thinking and pondering about the next action. - Therefore, we need to focus more on the present; being here and fully participative in all the events around you. Do not allow yourself to be distracted most of all by your thoughts about the future/past. - In her memoir Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert writes about a friend who, whenever she sees a beautiful place, exclaims in a near panic, "It's so beautiful here! I want to come back here someday!" "It takes all my persuasive powers," writes Gilbert, "to try to convince her that she is already here." - The mind's natural tendency when faced with pain is to attempt to avoid it—by trying to resist unpleasant thoughts, feelings, and sensations. As we get older, we work feverishly to recapture our youth. - It doesn't have to be this way. We talked about acceptance previously as part of the grieving process—letting the emotion be there. - In conclusion, one-day-at-a-time living is the only way to go. And to live each day without regrets, by not thinking too much when you've already decided and committed; if there is even a shadow of regret, perhaps you need to take some time out to think and not to rush things.…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 8: Happiness, Overrated or just misunderstood? 12:48
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12:48Happiness, Overrated or just misunderstood? Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License https://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-judith-rich/happiness-its-overrated_b_685851.html - The world puts alot of emphasis on living a "happy" life. There is a huge industry towards "finding happiness" that proposes that if you don’t have ongoing happiness then you need to pursue it. You need to find your purpose, change your job, get a new partner, move locations—do something, anything, to find the happiness that you are missing. - A never-ending happy life is unattainable because it doesn't exist. Happiness is a state of mind that doesn't stay constant. It is an enigma. It means different things to different people. We cannot achieve a state of happiness without understanding what it looks like. - Ironically, it is in the heaviest and most ardent pursuit of happiness that we become depressed and disappointed. Which kind of makes the pursuit of it counter-productive. But why are so many people still so insistent on finding "it"? - It is therefore, in the heaviest pursuit of happiness, that you turn this into a self-fulfilling prophecy. That when you identify with not having enough, you reinforce and create the very unhappiness and/or emptiness that you want to fill up. Thus, creating your unhappiness dillema. - To seek happiness as a permanent state derives from two primitive evolutionary impulses: avoiding pain; which is part of the need to avoid harm and eventually death; and seeking gratification as well as to leave a legacy. "The brighter the light, the darker the shadow" - Carl Jung - The height of personal happiness can only be measured by the depth of personal sadness. Happiness is not a stand-alone feeling. Happiness is a comparative emotion. - Happiness is elusive, like some rare and captivating insect that lights up when it lands on your shoulder. It’s there for a moment and then gone. - Instead, refuse to give into the feelings of emptiness and not being good enough. You are who you are, no one else can be you. So embrace yourself instead; and embrace your life. Make the most of the fleeting experience of the roller coaster of life; treasure all the feelings and experiences that only living your life can offer. - The Stockdale Paradox talks about James Stockdale and his words - Let go of the pursuit of happiness. It’s wasting your time and will disappoint you in the end. Express your full range of emotions that you will go through in life.…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 7: Moving on and letting go - Part 2 8:56
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8:56Moving on and letting go: Part 2 Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License -Summary and recap from the 1st Episode. - No one is saying that this process is easy, but there is no denying that it's important in order to ensure that you don't become mentally affected by what has happened, and also to allow moving on with one's life. - Talk about 2nd Suicide attempt as an example of the stages. - Also equally important is being able to forgive. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you forget, but it does mean that you let go of all anger/bitterness that you may have over what that has happened. - At the end of the day, time waits for no-one. We should not be defined by our past as we move on in life.…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 7: Moving on and letting go - Part 1 12:13
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12:13Moving on and letting go: Part 1 Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. Charles R. Swindoll 5 stages of grief: https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/ - The phrase letting go tends to be more associated with relationships and associations with other people, but it actually applies to everything in life. - People start off idealistic and energetic. However, the more they go through in life, the more they get weighted down by the disappointments and failures that inevitably comes with life. - Previous episodes have talked about the need to go through challenges, face changes and generally; overcome obstacles that life places in front of us. One of the key lessons that have to be learnt is how do we deal with situations without causing harm to ourselves. The key to that is in moving on and letting go. - We tend to put to much emphasis on our situations without care/concern for our own self. Which is ironic because we believe that we need something; even though it could cause more hurt/grief to your own self, because we believe we will lose more without it. - You need to treat what has happened as a loss, introduction to the 5 stages of grief. People often think of the stages as lasting weeks or months. The stages are responses to feelings that can last for minutes or hours as we flip in and out of one and then another. We do not enter and leave each individual stage in a linear fashion. We may feel one, then another and back again to the first one. Some phases also have the possibility of being repeated. - You can't truly move on in life without letting go. You can however, pretend to move on; but it'll just suck you back in eventually. - It's important to use the steps mentioned to deal with grief, as it ends with acceptance. This is important to prevent bitterness, which has the ability to eat you inside and consume you; if you don't have acceptance.…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 6: Stop sweating the small stuff 10:22
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10:22Stop sweating the small stuff Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License - All of us have our struggles in life as we grow up. This is because we all have a small amount of effort that we can use to combat things that happen. For things that are especially important to us; we worry. - This is because We can be very narrow and macro-minded when it comes to what we perceive as our problems. Also, this is not helped by the fact that as humans, we are very inward and self-looking. - Despite popular belief and practise, being all-consumed in our struggles is normally counter-productive to being able to overcome and resolve them. This is because, just like in a war; things generally look differently at ground zero than it does from a bird's eye view. - Many of us in life are serial worriers. Because it feels like we're doing something about it; worrying. Like it's some sort of action by which; when we worry about it, we affect a more positive result. - Ultimately, we all have to accept that control is but an illusion. For example, just because you built/purchased a house; doesn't control the price of it. Just because you maintained it; doesn't mean that there will not be problems with the structure. - Because, ultimately; the key to stop sweating the small stuff, is in letting go. Letting go is controversial, because the whole world tells us that if we let go; we lose everything. Most people equate letting go with bad relationships; which is a separate topic. But it is actually applicable to everything. - The key to this is perspective. Most people tend to compare themselves/things with other people/things; particularly comparisons with other people/things that are BETTER than ourselves. But why is this the case? Why can't we compare ourselves with people whom are worse off than ourselves? The key to basically stop worrying and start letting go; is to be thankful for what you have. - At the core of this; worrying is about priorities. Do you phase emphasis/value in stressing yourself out over the things that you have no responsibility on? - Once you've better been able to control this, review and look back. You'll be amazed at what priorities you placed on things that didn't matter.…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 5: Failures, failures and more failures; it's not the end of the world 14:49
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14:49Failures, failures and more failures; it's not the end of the world Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License "Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." -Winston Churchill- - When we do things; it either works or it doesn't. Similar to turning on-off the lights, it should be regarded as one of 2 possibilities. In that sense; failure gets a bad reputation as a one-time-shot and done, but really; it's part of everyday challenges. - In fact, failure is life’s great teacher; it’s nature’s chisel that chips away at all the excess, stripping down egos as it molds and shapes us through divine intentions. - All of us started off wanting to change the world. As young adults, we were all confident and a fair 'bit naive at the thought of doing what other people couldn't or can't. Like we were somehow special or better than our predecessors and the people who came before us. - Now some of us would be able to weather the challenges. These would be the tests to the conviction of our beliefs. Others would stumble. Most of us would compromise; and adjust our expectations and ourselves accordingly. Just as those whom came before us did. - When a baby is first learning to walk, she’s going to fall down many times. This, in fact, is failure. - Talk about some failures in life. Now some of these turned into failures, but what was learnt? At the end of the day, after all the money has been spent, every challenge has an outcome; it will be yourself whom would be the recipient of all the lessons. But what good are lessons if it is not heeded/learnt from? - Failures help us see the relevance of our decisions. And to see things from a different perspective. A failure simply means that the approach used wasn't good enough; or the chosen outcome is not what is perceived. - To that end, if we apply it correctly; a failure is simply part of a process of eliminating outcomes. If there is an endpoint; and the endpoint is worth it, then in theory, eliminating the other projected outcomes would eventually yield success. - More so from the failures though; is that we understand and accept that it's OK to fail in life. That none of us truly know the path that we have chosen to undertake, despite our best intentions. - So what can we learn from failures? That as soon as we accept that for all our confidence, we are not unique; nor are we special, we learn that it is far easier to succeed when you apply a collective knowledge based on the lessons learnt from others, and we would be able to grow much faster than on our reliance on ourselves alone.…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 4: An introduction to realistic optimism 10:26
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10:26An introduction to realistic optimism http://changingminds.org/explanations/preferences/optimism_pessimism.htm Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails. -William Arthur Ward- - The world is generally split across optimists whom call themselves "being positive" and pessimists are generally sub-divided into people whom call themselves "realistic" and those whom can be best be politely described as "critical". - The truth is, that there are bad apples to both sides of the divide. Optimists assume that the best will happen or that they will be luckier than other people. They are hopeful, believing that good things can happen to them. - Pessimists expect the worst. They over-estimate risks, assuming that bad things will happen. Extreme pessimists expect the worst every time. They believe that good things only happen to other people. - In our previous podcast, we talked about being positive. Now, most people would assume that being positive equates to being optimistic, and pessimism being related to being negative. It's actually not that clear-cut. Positive thinking embraces possibilities and looks for solutions without the assumption that everything will automatically work. - SO what does this all mean to an individual? And why does it have to all be so confusing? - At the end of the day, it's just a label. Our outlook in life generally is shaped by our experiences growing up and as we go through life. - It's all about having a balanced outlook. - For me though, I chose to maintain a truthful; cleared-eye view of life, while keeping some optimism that is grounded and relatable. - In my advocacy for realistic optimism, here are some ways to encourage this viewpoint. Combine a positive attitude with honesty of both the challenges to be faced as well as an honest evaluation of where you are now. Don't have expectations and expect the unexpected. - Don't stress the small stuff. - As mentioned previously; don't take life so seriously. Life's much too short to be humor-less and if you can't laugh at your own self, how would you know what to laugh at in life? To make mistakes is human, to stumble is commonplace; to be able to laugh at yourself is maturity (William Arthur Ward). - More important than all of this though; is to love yourself. No matter what outlook you decide on, embrace yourself for who you are. After all; if you don't love yourself, how can you love other people?…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 3: Depression - it can strike anyone, anywhere 9:17
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9:17References: https://www.dur.ac.uk/hearingthevoice/ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201110/eight-ways-actively-fight- depression Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License - Personal Story - All of us have a critical inner voice in-built into us. Some of us call it our conscience, but some also call it the voice in our head. - Depression is not a bad mood. It's an internal struggle against a destructive thought that's not very much different from when you're sick and down with the flu. - Suicide due to depressions are just a form of expressing a failed struggle; because suicide is just an action which results in the loss of life. - At it's core though; depression is an illness of a self-absorbed obsession with all the negativity in ourselves. - Think of depression like an overbearing, over-critical, annonying close sibling who looks/sounds like you; but channels all the negative emotions and none of the positive ones. - To manage it however; you need to understand where it comes from. - Depression can either be experienced as a slow, continual state of sadness or increased painful emotions - Story from my life on my own struggle in my youth to be funny and to be accepted. - However, just like the overbearing annonying close sibling mentioned earlier; it's convenient to blame the other party whenever it lands you into trouble, but that is merely a diversion to your own responsibility to manage and live with it - Depression is very common. By accepting it as a common illness, it is highly treatable and manageable. For surviving is all about managing it. - Therefore, you should definitely acknowledge it; manage it, and more crucially; the emotions that could cause it in the 1st place. - The most important thing to do in a depression is to tell yourself that you're worth it, that you can get out of it, and ONLY you can do it. - If you need help, seek for it! There's nothing wrong with needing a little help with life. It doesn't make us any more or any less of a person.…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 2: Changes, always there whether or not you are 12:57
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12:57Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License Reference reading: https://hbr.org/2012/09/ten-reasons-people-resist-chang - People generally don't like changes. We all start off at the bottom when we're young, working hard to reach our goals and then; once we're somewhere "remotely" comfortable, we form patterns, get settled in and move into hibernation. And once we've hibernated, god forbid something changes it for us. - After all, as a human; we are by nature lazy. That doesn't mean we don't work hard. We're more than capable of doing that. And we're even willing to grind ourselves into the ground in order to achieve our goals. But, and here's the thing; we believe that the more we progress, the less "real" effort we need to invest. - We're also very prone to extremes, so this means we can be extremely hardworking and/or extremely lazy. With technology, you can even be both! - What does this mean though? That our goals tend to be short-sighted and self-gratifying. Earn x amount of $$$ by the age of y. Pay off my house by the age of x. etc. And any deviations to this would result in a reaction from ourselves. - People talk about growing old gracefully; and there is a reason for this. From a life of action and being able to challenge the world, people have to take a step back; and being able to let go of things. - So, right off the bat; changes will always be there, and we will never be able to avoid it completely. If you're lucky; you'll be able to postpone it, but just like a long-overdue house cleaning; it'll come back with double the interest. - Therefore, similarly to embracing our challenges, we need to learn to embrace change. - Talk about 2nd suicide and how it was due to change and not being able to cope that triggered it. - 2 important ingredients to help you cope with changes, Perspective. Because looking at it from a negative viewpoint will only be self-defeating and pointless. "Be the change that you wish to see" - The 2nd is optimism and hope, rooted in realism. Do your best and as much as you can, but once done; let it go and expect and plan for the worst. Some may counter that you should aim for the stars and you'll get skies/clouds. I say, why even aim at all? Aiming sets expectations; which breeds disappointment and bitterness WHEN (not if) reality kicks in and you fail. - To that end, the best thing you can do to combat change is to change as well. Learn and try new things. Especially when things start to get stale and mundane. Sometimes a change of scenery too could help kickstart things as well. - Remember what we talked about failures, it's all about practise, practise and practise. What will be, will be. - After all, life is all about continuous learning, thus nothing is permanent so one should always stay humble and embrace the change.…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 1: Challenges: Roughing out in a challenging life 12:25
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12:25Challenges: Roughing out in a challenging life Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License - 21st birthday story. - You have to make the best of what you get/have, not wishing/pining for what you don't; and build bitterness due to unfulfilled expectations. - Attitude is key when facing challenges, because despite everything else, this is actually one of the most important, if not THE most important aspect; and it is definitely controlable by yourself. - Don't shy away from challenges, instead; start off with small baby steps, for example; learning a new skill. Story of how I learnt cooking to overcome parents' stress - Focus primarily on a particular challenge if possible, or try to ensure a balanced "shared-time" focus on a couple of challenges, being careful not to over-stretch yourself. - Always get a reality check - story of not knowing how to steam properly. And do not be afraid of asking for help if you need to. - Review your results and change your approach. insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results. - Talk about failures. "Failure is the mother of success ". Don't take it personally. - Embrace your challenges, for stalling it will only make matters worse. And why let someone else do it when you have the opportunity to make the most of it. - No matter how challenging, you should never sacrifice your identity and the people closest to you, because these are the people whom define you and would be able to support you. - Live without regrets - that means doing things that are scary just to forego the possibility of having even a tinge of regret due to non-action. - Every day is a fresh start. This means letting go of both previous success as well as previous failures and starting over again. This means forgiving yourself when you make mistakes (which you definitely will); and start over again…
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Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life
1 Episode 0: Introduction: The beginnings and the background 4:40
4:40
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Gilla
Gillad
4:40Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License - Starts off with a short story talking about 1st suicide and the logo of the podcast (wrist scar). In hindsight, the attempt itself draws laughter whenever I talk about it, and I embrace that; but at that time, both attempts were serious efforts at ending life. - As a two-time suicide survivor, the podcast aims to capture experiences and lessons from a well-lived life for my kids - as a form of an audio hand-me-down trove - In life, advise is like applying and matching differing colors/styles of clothings being worn because there is no one-size-fits-all rule to life. As such, while advise may sometimes border on the realm of hypocrisy by seemingly contradicting each other, it all really depends on the situation and one's perception of it. By the way, my wife disagrees about my taste in fashion. - After all, the more one learns; the more one realizes how little one knows about life. As Albert Einstein once said, "Once you stop learning, you start dying"…
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